Total Drama Shitshow
by Clodd Howard
Summary: I think Chris has really gone off the deep end this time
1. not so happy fuckers

"YO, WHAT THE _**FUCK**_ IS UP!" Chris said, coming into frame. His eyes had a wild look to them.

"WE'RE COMIN AT YOU **LIVE** FROM CAMP MOTHERFUCKING WAWANAKWA IN CANADA **BITCH** " as he said that he threw his fingers down like a gangster. "I'M YOUR HOST CHRIS MCLEAN AND I AM SO **_FUCKING_** READY TO DROP SEASON 1 OF TOTAL DRAMA FUCKING ISLAND". The camera panned out, revealing Chris standing on an old dock in front of some shitty island. He was real jittery, like he just did a line of coke.

"HERES THE DEAL. 22 MOTHERFUCKERS SIGNED UP TO SPEND AN ENTIRE SUMMER AT THIS SHITTY SUMMER CAMP, AND WE'RE GONNA MAKE THEIR LIVES _HELL_ " his bloodshot eyes twitched a lil bit. "THEY'RE GONNA DO SOME WILD CHALLENGES AND VOTE OFF THE DUMBASS WHO FUCKS THEM UP. BASICALLY, IF THEY DONT GET A MARSHMELLOW AT THE ELIMINATION CERMONY, THEIR ASS IS **DEAD** ". A new camera angle revealed all the cabins and other buildings on the island. They were all very dirty. Chris continued "IN THE END, ONLY ONE MOTHERFUCKER WILL REMAIN, TAKING HOME THE CASH PRIZE OF **FIVE** _ **.**_ **FUCKING** _ **. BILLION. DOLLARS!**_. He was really screaming now. Was this his first time doing blow or something?

After spasming a lil bit, Chris continued with his psychotic rant "THESE FUCKERS ARE GONNA FIGHT BEARS, THEY'RE GONNA FUCKING **RAPE** EACHOTHER, THEY'RE GONNA _**DIE**_. AND WE'RE GONNA RECORD EVERY FUCKING MINUTE OF IT BABY!" he spread his arm out wide "WHO WILL WIN? WHO WILL DIE?! I DON FUCKIN KNOW! BUT WHAT I _DO_ KNOW IS THAT WE'RE GONNA FIND OUT, RIGHT HERE, ON **TOTAL**. **DRAMA**. **_ISLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANDDDDDDDD!_** ".

*The opening Credits play*

Dear mom and dad, I'm doing fine  
You guys are on my mind  
You asked me what I wanted to be  
And now I think the answer is plain to see  
I want to be famous

I want to live close to the sun  
Well, pack your bags cause I've already won.  
Everything to prove nothing in my way  
I'll get there one day

Cause I want to be famous

Nanana'nanaana nana nana na na na na na naa  
I wanna be, I wanna be; I wanna be famous  
I wanna be, I wanna be; I wanna be famous

[Whistle's to theme]

*It ends*

After some commericals, it cuts back to Chris standing on the dock, just as hyped as before.

"WELOCME BAKC LADIES AND GENTLEMEN" he said, slightly slurring his words. "YOU GUYS READY TO MEET OUR CONTESTANTS?! WELL **GOOD** , CUZ THE FIRST ONE JUST ARRIVED."

One cue, a boat arrived at the dock, dropping a white, shorter than average male with brown hair. He had a pretty stupid face.

"FOLKS, PLEASE WELCOME JEREMY HARRINGTON, BETTER KNOW AS HIS YOUTUBE NAME, **JERMA985!** "

Jerma seemed a lil freaked out by chris's obnoxious yelling, but he went up to greet him anyway.

"Hey Chris, hows it going" he went up to shake his hand, but did not anticapate Chris shaking his hand so violently. "IM DOING FUCKING _GREAT_ , DUDE. MAN YOU'RE FUCKING TINY"

Jerma's smile faded. Being reminded of his short stature did not make him happy.

"HOLY SHITS ITS OUR NEXT CONTESTANT"

A boat arrived and out walked a bald, stocky man in a a plaid button up shirt and coat. It was George Costanza from _Seinfeld_.

He walked over somewhat akwardly to Chris and said "Uh, hello, I'm George, George Costanza."

"OH, WE KNOW WHO YOU ARE, DUDE" Chris said, as george looked around akwardly. A laugh tracked played.

George spoke again "Um, excuse me, the flyer said that we would be staying in 5-star resort, is it, uh, under renovations or something?"

"THERE IS NO RESORT DUMBASS" Chris said. Another laugh track played as George looked even more confused than before. He then took his place beside Jerma, and made akward small talk.

Another boat showed up, and an even shorter, stockier, balder man walked out. It was Frank Reynolds from _Its Slways Sunny in Philedelphia_

"FRANK, WHATS UP MAN" Frank paid little attention.

"Yeah, hey, is this where I get the 5 billion dollars?"

Chris just laughed, "OH DONT WORRY DUDE, WE'LL GET TO THAT" Frank just looked confused as he stared at Jerma and George.

"Who the fuck are you two?"

"I SPY ANOTHER BOAT!" Chris said.

When it arrived, a short, green little shit with Dorito hair walked out carrying two suitcases. It was Peridorp from _Steven Universe_.

A smug smile permeated her gremlin face "A pleasure to finally meet you mister *snort* Mclean" she said in a nasally voice.

"PLEASURES ALL MINE _LITTLE_ LADY, HA **_HA!_** " The host exclaimed, laughing at his own joke.

Frank glared at the the green gem, who now sitting on her luggage. "What are you, some sort of fuckin circus act?".

Another boat approached the dock Blasting shitty country music at max volume. It arrived and out jumped Sandy Cheeks from _Spongebob_.

"HOWDY Y'ALL" she screamed in her thickest country accent. For some reason she was still wearing her underwater suit on land.

"GLAD TO SEE YA MADE IT SANDY" Chris exclaimed as Sandy joined the others. She promptly pulled out her banjo and began to play.

Unfortunately, however, Sandy's Banjo would soon be ruined when a large Ship zoomed into port, splashing water on everyone. "MUH BANJO" she exclaimed in terror.

Out of this rather large ship walked out a young boy wearing sunglasses and a full suit. He said nothing as he approached the others with his suitcase.

"WE HAVE A VERY SPECIAL GUEST RIGHT HERE FOLKS. STRAIGHT FROM THE WHITE HOUSE, _**BARRON TRUMPPPPPP!**_ " Barron simply shook Chris's hand, saying nothing, and walked over to join the others. He then pulled out his phone and began to browse r/minecraft.

The next contestant didn't arrive on a boat, they arrived via schoolbus; Magic Schoolbus.

A periscope peeked out of the water, frightening a few contestants. After it swiveled around a bit, it descended back into the water,and the bus proper surfaced, with Miss Frizzle from _The Magic Schoolbus_ walking out.

"SNAZZY ENTRANCE MISS FRIZ" he yelled as Miss Frizzle took her place amongst the others. "Hello eveyrone" she said in a jolly voice. Her outfit for today was a poofy red dress with yellow stars on it, along with some hammer-and-sickle earrings. I guess she'd been teaching the kids about communism.

Another boat arrived, and this time 2 contestants came out of it. One of them was fat and the other was skinny. No, it wasn't Katy and Sadie you fucking idiots. It was Mike Stoklasa and Jay Bauman from _RedLetterMedia_! And they were both drunk!

They stumbled across the dock toward Chris. While Jay was just a little tipsy, Mike was fucking wasted.

"Jjay where the fuckc are we?" Mike said, slurring his words quite harshly "Rermember Mike? I toldd you we were gonna go ona game shhow" Jay replied. "What?" Mike said back.

"LOOKS LIKE THESE TWO HAVE BEEN HITTING THE SAUCE A LITTLE BIT, **_AHA HA_** " once again Chris was the only one laughing. The other contestants seemed a bit anxious. Frank leaned over to Jerma's ear, "Hey, shorty, what up with this guy is he high or something?" Jerma did not respond as, once again, he was reminded of his height.

The duo finally reached Chris, Mike saying "Hhey Chrris, howz it go-" before Mike could finish he fell to floor, clutching his stomach "Oh, oh god, oh god I'm gonnna thhrow upp" Mike dry heaved a bit, but there wasn't any time for that. Another contestant was approaching.

A big lumbering figure walked onto the dock rom their boat, causing shockwaves on the wooden structure. A few looked intimidated, a few looked puzzled, Mike was still dry heaving. The tall, muscular figure looked down at her fellow campers for few seconds and then let out a hearty laugh. She then let out in a thick russian accent "HELLO MY FRIENDS, HOW ARE YOU OF DOING THIS DAY". The figure was none other than Zarya from _Overwatch_. The pink-haired Giant's friendliness surprised the contestants. All except Mike and Jay, who were too drunk to notice.

Chris chimed in, "I SEE YOU'VE MET MISS ZARYANOVA, A WEIGHT-LIFTING CHAMPION!"

"INDEED, I LIFT THE HEAVY OBJECT WITH EASE; OBSERVE" she said. Zarya then proceeded to pick up Mike, who responded, drunkenly, "Puht me dohwn! Ihm gonnna hurl!". Jay rushed to defend his friend "H-hey put im down!". He tried to tackle her, but just ended latching onto her leg. "YAH, PUT THAT LIL FELLER DOWN" Sandy added, charging her with her banjo. She wasn't really paying attention, she just wanted to fight someone, as it is a common pastime in Texas. Through a series of chain reactions, a brawl erupted amongst the contestants. Zarya dominated, obviously, kicking the living shit out of Jay, whilst Mike continued to babble drunkenly.

It wasn't until Chris pulled out a fucking shotgun and fired a warning shot that the fight stopped " **ALRIGHT LETS JUST STAY CALM HERE** " Chris yelled, bloodshot eyes nearly bulging out of his head.

"Ahem"

Everybody turned to the edge of the dock, where someone new stood.

It was a male teenager with brown hair wearing a suit and tie, carrying with him a briefcase. It was motherfucking Goro Akechi from _Persona 5_.

"I hope I'm not interupting anything" he said, using a very polite voice.

"COURSE NOT!" Chris said, casually throwing his shotgun to the side. "CAMPERS, MEET GORO AKECHI, TEEN DETECTIVE AND ALL AROUND _HUNK_ , **NO HOMO BRO** "

"Oh, uh, of course, Christopher" he said. _(To himself) "What an odd thing to say"_

"Well I just hope we can all get along and be friends" Akechi said, sporting a smile that just screamed "disingenuous".

"Me too mister, uh..." "Just Akechi is fine" he replied to George.

"STOP BEING FAGS GUYS, OKAY, WE GOTTA KEEP THIS SHOW ROLLING" Chris interupted. "NEXT CONTESTANT!".

An obese, tatooed man in a tanktop was the next to arrive on the island.

"MEET CHAD, OTHERWISE KNOWN AS ANYTHING4VIEWS"

"Whats up cunts" he said in his british accent. That was it.

Next up came Sargon of Akkad, another british youtuber.

"Ello everyone, how we doin" he said, setting his stuff down. Peridorp got a lil excited.

"HEY *snort* I know you!" she exclaimed. "You're that Sargon guy that everyone on /pol/ keeps talking about!"

"Oh really now?" he replied, his ego inflating. "So you've eard of me?"

"YEAH, *snort* they say you suck dude! hehheh!". Sargon wanted to punch that lil cunt but knew his enemies in the commentary community would only use this against him. "Heh, yeah...".

The next arrival was FBI Detective Norhman Jahyden from _Heavy Rain_.

"What the hells an FBI agent doing on a game show?" Jerma asked

"Well Jerahme, I'm actually here on business. Ya see a few years ago a girl got murdered on this island." The Bostonian Detective continued "They caught the guy who did it, but he never told where he hid her body. Well he ended up dying a few weeks ago, and the case was put on my desk. I figured 'why not just search the island where he killed her' so..." there was brief silence "thats why I'm here".

"But why are you contestant tho?" Zarya added.

"...Cuz I wanna win some money too" Norman said quietly.

"H'YUCK, GARSH" The constestants all looked to the sea, where, on a jetski, sat Goofy who was speeding toward the dock at a high velocity.

"HE'S GONNA HIT THE DOCK Y'ALL!" Sandy warned. Everyone moved out of the way of Goofy's jetski, which landed on the dock, nearly crushing Jay, who was laying unconsious.

"HYUCK, That was extreme dudes" he said, doing the Shaka sign.

"I'll bet it was extreme!" Miss Frizzle said, giving goofy a high five.

"GOOFY, MY MAN, KEEPING IT SPICY I SEE" Chris said, also giving him a high five

"huh, huh, HYUCK. keeping it spicy. OH HEY I ALSO PICKED UP THIS LIL DUDE ON MUH WAY HERE" he said, pulling out a rat from his hat. It was fucking Remmy from _Ratatoulie_.

"OH YEAH THATS ANOTHER CONTESTANT, THE RAT CHEF" Chris said. Remmy gave little "OK" sign and remained on Goofy's shoulder.

A few of the other contestants looked confused. What dumbass let a fucking rat compete in a game show?

Shortly after Goofy and Remmy arrived, another boat showed up carrying a burly black man. It was Mr T!

"T-MAN! WHATS UP DUDE? I LIKE YOUR CHAINS _MAN_ " Chris said, desperately trying to get Mr T to notice him. It didn't work. Mr T simply joined the other campers, his gold chains glimmering in the sunlight.

The next 2 contestants arrived on the same boat. They were two older women with white hair. Grumbling could be heard from the shorter one as they walked off onto the dock, carrying their luggage. The Live Studio Audience applauded as the two came into frame. It was Dorothy and Sophia from _The Golden Girls_!

"Ma, for the last time, we are not going on vacation, we're going on a game show. A game show where could win 5 BILLION dollars!" Dorothy said, clearly fed up with her elderly mother, yet simultaneosly excited.

"Well excuse me, pussycat, its hard to keep track when you're pulling me around like this! One minute I'm sitting watching _The Young and the Restless_ , next thing I know you're raving about winning '5 BILLION CLAMS' and that you've brought plane tickets to God-knows-Where Canada". A laugh track played. George looked around in confusion. "Hey, uh, you heard that too, right?" he asked Barron. Barron just ignored him and continued to browse reddit.

"You must be Mr Mclean" Dorothy said friendily, shaking the host's hand. I guess the drugs were wearing off cuz he didn't seem nearly as wild as before.

"THAT I AM MISS ZBORNAK, PLEASEURE TO MEET YA" Chris said. He shook dorothy's hand and she joined the others. "AND WHO MIGHT THIS FINE VIXEN BE" Chris said, obviously trying to superficially flatter Sophia.

"Can it, stretch" She said, walking by him as another laugh track played.

Jerma looked somewhat distressed _"Why didn't he comment on **her** shortness?"_ he thought to himself.

Another duo arrived soon after. A somewhat pudgy italian in overall wheeled a stocky woman in a pink dress onto the dock. It was Mario and Princess Peach!

"YO, DUDE, WHY IS SHE IN A FUCKING WHEELCHAIR?!" Chris yelled, somewhat suprised. Princess Peach was in a wheelchair. Her head laid down on one side, her eyes almost souless. Her face seemed stuck in a permenant 'retard smile', with her mouth agape, leaking drool which was pooling on her dress.

"Oh-a" Mario began "Peach-a got into a wreck-a few month-a back-a. She suffered-a extensive-a damage to her-a spinal cord-a. Shes-a never been the same-a since." He looked a bit sad mentioning it. Mario must still be trying to adjust. It must be difficult caring for your significant other like that.

"WELL LOOK DUDE, WE DONT GOT ANY WHEELCHAIR RAMPS, AND BELIEVE ME" Chris looked to the camera "WE'RE NOT PAYING FOR ANY EITHER. SO YOU'RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO MAKE DO WITH WHAT WE GOT, OKAY?". Chris sounded a lil annoyed. Mario simply nodded timidly and rolled peach to the other side of the dock. Princess Peach, having noticed Mr T, reached out to shake his hand, saying in a slow, painful, retarded voice " _nice to mee u big boi_ ". Mr T paid her no attention as he continued to stoically gaze forward.

Chris Mclean pulled out clipboard with what appeared to be a list on it. "ALRIGHT, I THINK THATS EVERYO-" "Wait!". Chris was cut off by feminine voice. He, and all the other campers, then noticed the final boat making its way to the Island.

"Please wait!" the voice said.

"HOW COULD I FORGET, STRAIGHT FROM THE DEPTHS OF HELL, OUR FINAL CONTESTANT, MISS **TORIEL** _**DREEMUURRRRRRRR!**_ ".

It was Toriel Dreemur from _Undertable_. You know, the goat lady? Well anyway she got off the boat and ran toward the others. "I am so sorry about being late Mr Mclean! I was making cookies for everyone, but they burned and I had to-" Chris put his finger to her lips.

"ALL THAT MATTER IS THAT YOU'RE HERE NOW, NOW GO JOIN THE OTHERS." Toriel quickly made her away to the now complete group of campers. She did her best to put on smile despite her clear social anxiety. Akechi took a particular interest in her.

"Um, pardon me, but is that fur?" he asked, pointing to her arm. Toriel, surprised, replied "o-O-OH YEs, heh heh, yes it is!" she then let out an akward chuckle. Akechi simply returned to his position, saying "I see...".

Before any other pointless interactions could occur between our campgoers, Chris rapidly beat a spoon and pot together obnoxiously " _ **ALRIGHT!**_ NOW THAT EVERYONES HERE, WHO THE **FUCKS** READY FOR OUR _**FIRST CHALLENGE!**_ ". He was really excited now; he must have done another line of coke off screen.

"Uh, aren't ya gonna show us where we need to,uh, ya know, put our stuff?" George asked "Yeah! *snort* I gotta charge my DS!".

"OH YEAH, WE'LL GET TO THAT" the host turned to the camera and gave a lil wink. "FIRST THINGS FIRST THOUGH, HOW BOUT A PICTURE" he then pulled out a shitty digital camera from the 90s and told them to get into place. All the campers got into positon. Mike and Jay had finally sobered up (at least up to point where they were conscious again) and so they joined the others. Peridorp forced Sargon to give her a piggy back ride, something which he detested. Finally, everyone had gotten into place and Chris smiled, a lil bit of blood trickling out of his nostril.

" _ **SAY WAWANAKWA!**_ "

"Wawanakwa!" they all said, some more enthusiastic than other.

Suddenly, the place on the dock where they were standing collapsed

"OHHH **FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF** _ **FFUUCKK!**_ " Mike yelled, kinda like he did in the 2016 Oscars Half in the Bag episode.

"FUCKING PRANKED YA BROS!" Chris yelled triumphantly, laughing like a twelve year old.

On the surface this looked like a good youtube-friendly prank, however a lot the campers ended up getting some pretty nasty splinters, and Peach almost drowned cuz, ya know, she has the nervous system of a fucking grape. After crawlling back on land, Chris hyperactively began to assign teams. "ALRIGHT. YOU ALL WILL BE DIVIDED INTO TWO TEAMS: THE RAPACIOUS RATS AND THE FLAMING FALCONS". Chris then began to arrange the campers into their respective teams. "FOR THE RATS, WE HAVE: FRIZZLE, JAYDEN, AKECHI, SANDY, GEORGE, T-DAWG (Chris is referring to Mr T here; his use of a nickname to build camraderie was unsuccessful, as Mr T remained silent), GOOFY, FRANK, DOROTHY AND SOPHIA, AND, MOST APPROPRIATELY, REMY". Chris let out a small laugh at this joke. Remy, meanwhile, was unsure if his placement on the team was racist or not. "REST OF YOU ARE ON TEAM FALCON".

The team members began to congregate together. Some looked happy with their teammates; others looked pissed.

"OH YEAH, BY THE WAY, IF YOU WANNA LAY DOWN SOME PERSONAL THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS IN PRIVATE, FEEL FREE TO HEAD DOWN TO ONE OF OUR OUTHOUSES. THERE, YOU CAN TELL THE FOLKS BACK HOME HOW YOU REALLY FEEL ABOUT SOMETHING" he turned to face the campers "OR SOMEONE".

****Confession: Jerma****

"Uh, ya know I'm glad to see that alot of my teammates are fellow youtubers, like Mike and Jay. I always liked their movie reviews, I kinda dsagreed on few of them, but they seem rather knowledgeable. And plus, ya know, being on a team with _Barron Trump_ ; I mean wow! Thats the president's son! I don't even like Trump but thats just soo cool to have, ya know, 'I was on a team with the president's son' I mean, thats just so cool. And plus, uh, I was talking with Toriel a little bit she seems nice, so, uh, I'd say I'm pretty optimistic about my teammates".

****End Confession****

****Confessional: Sargon****

"You know, I have to say, I am shocked that I of all people was put on the same team with the 2 fucking drunks. Not to mention that little green cunt. I mean, for fucks sake, I have almost 800,000 subscribers on my youtube channel, Alright? I make about £6,000 a month on Patrion and they put me in fucking meathead central. Fucking ridiculous.

****End Confession****

Akechi approached Norhman Jahyden "My apoligies, Mr. Jayden, but did I hear that you were a Federal Agent?" he asked. Norman seemed a suprised at the attention he was recieving. "Oh, uh, thats right. I've been on the force for about 6 or 7 years now" "I see, well I'm actually a detective myself" "Really now? You're able to balance investigative work with school?" "Yes. Its been somewhat difficult, but I've managed. Anyway I'd just like to say that I'm glad to have you on the team. Given your extensive experience, and my analytical mind, we should easily overcome any challenge presented" Akechi said whilst smiling. Norman never really had any friends, so he was happy that someone was trying to build rapport with him. "Well, uh, I'm glad to hear it. I look forward to working with you too". The two shook hands and then joined everyone else.

****Confessional: Akechi****

"I was glad to be put on team with Agent Jayden. Having a member of the FBI on my side could benefit me greatly. And seeing that none of the other contestants appear to be intellectually gifted, it appears that I simply got lucky". Akechi smiles brightly. "Heres hoping my good fortune lasts".

****End Confession****

****Confession: Frank****

"This is a fucking game show?".

****End Confession****

After the two teams got together, Chris led them to this two really shitty cabins that looked like they haven't been used in about 10 years.

"ALRIGHT, FALCONS GET ONE CABIN, RATS GET THE OTHER" he said, showing them their living quarters. For some reason, despite the 8:14 Female to Male ratio on the island, both sexes's compartment were of equal size, meaning that, despite there being 7 boys on each team, they only had 6 beds; someone would have to go bedless in the boy's room. This isssue was quickly resolved in the rat cabin, given that Remy was, you know, a fucking rat, so he could just sleep on a blanket or something. Things weren't that easy in the Falcon Cabin.

"Look cunt, if you think I'm givin' up my fuckin bed you can just forget about that" Anything4views said. He and Sargon had been argueing over a bed for the past few minutes. "You think just cuz you run a fuckin' youtube skeptic channel you need the bed more than I do? Your channels fucking cancer!". Mario stepped in. "Hey wait-a, how bout I sleep on the floor-a!". Mario didn't like conflict. He already had enough to deal with, what with Peach and all. Unfortunately, Chad and Sargon paid him little attention. This was no longer about the bed. "Well at least I'm not the dumbass who got a fucking _Pewdiepie_ tattoo on his ass!" Sargon yelled. At the least the girls were getting along.

Peridorp had started charging her Nintendo DS and Laptop, calling the top bunk like the little gremlin she is. Zarya had only one bag, whose contents consisted of some dumbells and protein powders, one of which was turnip flavored. Mmm. Toriel spoke "Well, um, I know its not much, but I had prepared a few treats for everyone" she then held out a bag containing various sweets, such as cookies and brownies "I just hope we can all get alon-" before she could finish, Peridorp had jumped down and made a B-line to her bag. "Gimme some of that!" she yelled, grubbily grabbing like 12 cookies before returning to her nest. "oh yeah cookies" Peach said, just as slowly, and retardedly as before.

"Oh, um, here you go" Toriel said, placing a cookie in her hand. Peach slowly lifted the cookie into her mouth, clearly exerting much more energy than she was used to. She finally put the cookie in her mouth (only about halfway though), and began slow attempts at what appeared to be chewing. "Um, I can crush it up for you if you like" Toriel offered. Peach slowly turned her head and said, slowly, "nah dude" and then resumed her eating. "Zarya? Would you like som-" "Nyet! I must stay lean for competition!" the bodybuilder replied, doing her 700th pull up. Just then there was a large boom in the Boy's room, followed by even more yelling.

"YOU FUCKIGN MONGREL, YOU NEARLY DESTROYED MY LAPTOP" Sargon could be heard yelling. "OH BIG FUCKIGN DEAL, CUNT, AN ALIENWARE?! **A FUCKING GAMING LAPTOP?!** YOUR'RE SOO SMART AND YET YOU COULDN'T EVEN BUILD YOUR OWN **FUCKING GAMING COMPUTER?!** ". Things were really getting heated now.

Meanwhile, Dorothy was busy unpacking in the Rat Cabin. Sophia had gone out to the bathroom, so she was talking with Miss Frizzle.

"So uh, Valerie, was it? I hear your a teacher" Dorothy said. "Yep, been teaching elementary school science since I got out of college" she responded, happily unpacking various ridiculous looking dresses. "Well, uh, I'm actually a teacher myself" Dorothy added. "Really? What do you teach?" Miss Frizzle asked.

"High School English, but I'm more of substitute" She replied. "Oh..." Miss Frizzle said, suddenly sounding much less enthusiastic.

"What is that, uh, that outfit you're wearing" Dorothy inquired, obviously referring to the Friz's soviet themed outfit. "Oh, my last lesson before arriving here was on teaching the kids about communism" she responded, touching her Hammer-and-Sickle earrings. Dorothy chuckled somewhat "Well I should hardly think it's appropriate to wear something so bizarre to teach children about communism" "Well, maybe that's why I'm an _actual_ teacher and not a substitute like you" Miss Frizzle responded, still maintaining her iconic smile.

Dorothy was somewhat shocked at her response. She didn't know how to respond such a passive-aggressive comment. Before she could come up with a sufficient comeback, Miss Frizzle said "Oh, sounds like there some sort of commotion outside, I better go handle it. After all, _real_ teachers are better equipped to handle situations like this". And with that she took her leave, with Sophia entering as she left.

"Hey Pussycat, you pack any popcorn? The two brits out there are ready to rip each other's heads off and I want front row seats" she said, garnering a laugh from the live studio audience. "Ma, have you talked to Miss Frizzle at all?" Dorothy asked. "What, you mean 'miss poofy dress'?" Another laugh track. "Yeah, I talked to her, she seems nice" "Ma, you should have heard the way she talked to me, it was belittling, I felt humiliated!" "Look Pussycat, I'm sure you're exaggerating, and besides you probably provoked her, you have a tendency of talking down to others too ya know". "I do not!" her daughter replied, offended.

As the two argued, the camera transitioned to the boy's room next door. Remy was busy making his lil rat bed whilst Mr. T sat alone reading book called _A Comprehensive History of Western Philosophy_. He appeared to be in deep thought. Meanwhile, George attempted to make small talk as he unpacked. "So uh, Frank, does our placement on the show seem kinda odd to you?" he asked. "What, that they put the two bald fat guys with glasses on the same team? Yeah I sort of noticed" he replied, unpacking what little he had.

"Are those steaks" George asked "What?". Inside of Frank's suitcase was very little clothing. There were, however, a few T-bones wrapped in plastic, along with 6-pack of canned champagne and some spices. "Yeah, I brought a few steaks, figured we could have a cookout or something" "You thought steaks were more important to bring than another pair of shorts?" George said incredulously. "I thought this was just a weekend trip. Ya know, I thought I'd come here, have a nice, relaxing weekend, and then leave with this big cash prize. I didn't expect to be on some sort of reality show. Oh yeah, by the way, I'm gonna need to borrow some of your clothes" "What?" "Yeah I figured since you and I got similar bodies we could share clothing, what's yours is mine and vice versa". "I don't know about that, Frank" George said warily. Frank put his arm around George's shoulder. "Look, You and me could go far, kid. We got a work as a team though. And part of being in a team is trust. Are you with me?" he asked. George thought for a bit.

****Confession: George****

"I'm not even really sure _why_ I decided to get involved with Frank. The whole steaks thing just seemed so bizarre, I mean they weren't even refrigerated. They could've have gone bad for all I know. What kind of a guy does that?".

****Confession End****

Frank looked happy "Good, kid, that's real good. You've made a good decision. From now on you and me are gonna be like brothers. We're gonna have each other's backs; we'll go through thick and thin together. Tell ya what" Frank then pulled a switchblade "Lets make a pact right here" "A pact?" "Yeah, you and me are gonna be blood brothers." Frank then painfully cut the palm of hand open, blood leaking out of it. "Alright now you cut your hand and we'll put our hand together, that way our blood mixes". "I don't think so Frank" George said, backing up reluctantly. "Come on George!" "No, that's unsanitary!". Before things could escalate further, there came a scream from outside.

"GET THE HELL OFF ME YOU FAT FUCK". It was Sargon. Anything4views had him in a headlock. For some reason he had taken his shirt off, further adding to the bizarreness of the scene. The majority of the campers stood and formed a circle around the pair, whose argument had clearly devolved into violence. "YOU STILL WANT THAT BED, CUNT?! HUH?!". Some, like Toriel, appeared worried; Others, like Sophia and Frank, were amused. "Now we're talkin!" the elderly woman said, a laugh track playing. Jerma and Norman were attempting to hold Chad back, with little success.

****Confession: Akechi****

"I would've thought that the two British people would've gotten along. It appears that deduction was incorrect".

****End Confession****

Sargon managed to get a good punch in on Chad's jaw, disorienting him "FUCK" he yelled, recoiling in pain. The British skeptic managed to get out from underneath him, but Anything4views managed to grab the back of his shirt "GET BACK HERE, CUNT!" he yelled. Before the brawl could continue, Mr. T stoically emerged from the cabin and walked to the center of the field, grabbing the two and separating them.

"I pity the fool who makes war instead of love!" he said, chastising the two youtubers. "As the great Leo Tolstoy once said ' _In the name of God, stop a moment, cease your work, look around you!_ '". The two turned to face the crowd that had gathered. Many were scared or shocked by what they had been doing. Toriel looked about ready to cry.

Feeling guilty, Chad and Sargon both got up. "Sorry bout all that, guess we just kinda got carried away ther-" Sargon said. Before he could finish, Chris reappeared riding a Segway. He then ploughed through the crowd and into the center of the group " ** _ALRIGHT_ , OUR FIRST FIGHT OF THE _SEASON!_** " he yelled, before doing a few donuts in his Segway. It was a pretty obnoxious, and the fact that he was firing a desert eagle into the air simultaneously didn't help.

" _ **YOU GUYS READY FOR OUR FIRST CHALLENGE?** **!?**_ " he screamed. The donuts were getting really tight now. "Can we not eat first, I am very hungry. I feel like I could eat tree" Zarya said. "FUCK THAT, _WE'VE ALREADY WASTED WAY TOO MUCH FUCKING TIME ON THIS INTRODUCTION BULLSHIT_. GET YOUR FUCKIN SWIMSUITS ON AND MEET ME IN LIKE 10 MINUTES OR ELSE WE'RE SENDING IN _THE DOGS_ " and with that, the host left just as fast he came.

****Confession: Anything4views****

"Sargon got fucking lucky, okay? If Chris hadn't of shown I up I would've fuckin destroyed him. If he ever tries anything like that again he's **dead!** ".

****End Confession****

Anyway so everyone got their swimsuits on except for Remy since, ya know, he was a rat. And around the time they arrived to meet Chris is when Mike finally sobered up. " _OH MY GAWWWWWWWWWWWDDDDD_ " he yelled as the camera panned out, revealing that they were all standing on a very large cliff.

Then the episode ended.

 **AN: hey guys Clodd Howard here coming at ya with another hot n spicy story. sorry the first chapter was such shit I had to get everyone introduced. trust me though the next chapter will be better I swear. make sure to leave some spicy reviows to tell what you thought about my story though. thanks guys :)**


	2. part 2

" _ **LAST TIME ON TOTAL DRAMA FUCKING ISLAND**_ " Chris exclaimed loudly, standing on the dock.

*Various shots from the previous episode are shown*

"WE TOTALLY CONNED 22 SCHMUCKS INTO SPENDING AN ENTIRE SUMMER AT THIS CANADIAN CONCENTRATION CAMP"

*The fight between Sargon and Anything4views is shown*

"EGOS FLARED AS THE CAMPERS ADJUSTED INTO THEIR NEW HOMES, _OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT I DONT FUCKIN KNOW_ "

The camera cuts back to the previous episode's final scene of Mike yelling " _OH MY GAWWWWWWWWWWWDDDDD_ " at the top his lungs. " _WE'RE ON A FUCKING GAME SHOW?_ ".

*The opening Credits play*

Dear mom and dad, I'm doing fine  
You guys are on my mind  
You asked me what I wanted to be  
And now I think the answer is plain to see  
I want to be famous

I want to live close to the sun  
Well, pack your bags cause I've already won.  
Everything to prove nothing in my way  
I'll get there one day

Cause I want to be famous

Nanana'nanaana nana nana na na na na na naa  
I wanna be, I wanna be; I wanna be famous  
I wanna be, I wanna be; I wanna be famous

[Whistle's to theme]

*It ends*

"ALRIGHT FUCKERS HERES THE DEAL" Chris explained, taking a hit out of coke vial " _AUGHK"_ he winced in pain. "YOU ALL ARE GONNA JUMP OFF THIS GIANT ASS CLIFF INTO THE LAKE". Peach's eyes brightened " _oh yeah_ " she garbled. "IF ANY OF YOU _MIRACULOUSLY_ SURVIVE THE FALL, YOU'RE NEXT CHALLENGE IS GOING TO BE TO BUILD A FUCKIN HOT TUB, OR AS I LIKE TO CALL IT, _A SPICY BATHTUB_ ". Chris laughed hysterically at his own joke. "IF YOU MAKE A SHITTY ONE YOU'RE GONNA LOSE, OKAY? AND IF YOU LOSE, ONE OF YOU'RE TEAMMATE'S ASSES IS OUTTA HERE? GOT IT?" Everyone nodded. "GOOD, **NOW LETS MAKE LIKE SOME JAPANESE CIVILLIANS AND JUMP OFF THIS CLIFF!** ".

The Rats were the first to jump. "I'll H'YUCKIN go first dudes!" Goofy proclaimed. He made an epic run and then jumped off the cliff, doing his signature "AAAH HOO HOO HOOEY!" scream on the way down. He landed safely in the water, but he didn't land inside the little target.

"Come on in dudes H'YUCK the waters fin-" suddenly Goofy felt something brush his foot. "What the fu-WHoAH!" he was suddenly pulled under the water as the other campers looked on in horror. "OH YEAH, FORGOT TO MENTION, IF YOU DON'T LAND IN THAT LITTLE TARGET AREA, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO DEAL WITH OUR SHARK: **_GUMS_** " Chris explained. "Whys he called Gums?" Jay asked. The camera then showed Goofy emerging from the water in the mouth of a mighty shark. "GA-GA-GA-GARSH!" he screamed. There wasn't any blood though.

"WE HAD TO DE-TEETH HIM IN ORDER TO MEET WITH THE _'SAFTEY REGULATIONS'_ " he responded, doing air-quotes around the safety regulations part. "I MEAN A SHARK BITE CAN STILL BREAK YOUR SPINE REGARDLESS SO I DONT GET WHAT THE BIG FUCKING DEAL IS". Goofy was still screaming when Gums pulled him back under the water.

"I aint afraid of no shark, I'll go next" Frank said. After getting a running start, he cannonballed into the water. Unfortunately he hit part of the cliff on his way down, injuring him. " _AH SHIT!_ " he screamed, his once graceful cannonball turning into a floppy mess. He was basically a ragdoll when he hit the water. "*Gurgling* _OH GOD_ *gurgling* _FUCK_ " he yelled, floundering in the water. He landed inside the safe zone but he was still basically drowning.

Anyway, after Frank jumped in there was a montage of other Team Rats members jumping in. Sandy jumped in pretty enthusiastically, yelling "YEEEEEHAWWWW" on the way down. Mr T emotionlessly dove into the safe the zone. Remy also jumped, but since he was little it took a while for him to hit the water. Akechi and Norhman both jumped in after eachother, both yelling in terror on their way down; landing safely nonetheless.

George was next. He reluctantly stared down at the targets in the water. "Uh, Chris, do we have to jump?" he asked timidly. "WELL YOU DONT _HAVE_ TO JUMP" he explained. "BUT YOU'LL COST YOUR TEAM A POINT AND YOU'LL HAVE TO WEAR THIS 'I AM A CUCK' HAT FOR THE REST OF THE DAY". George considered his options carefully. He had a flashback to back when he was in New York.

 _"Jerry have you seen this?" he asked, holding a flyer for applying to the show. "No what is it?" he asked. "It says here that they're hosting some sort of reality gameshow and that the cash prize is 5 billion dollars!". "Its probably a scam or something, I wouldn't recommend doing it" Jerry said. George glared at Jerry. "Don't you see? This could be my chance to make it big! Even if I don't win I'm still gonna be famous!" he was really excited now. "Don't you see Jerry? This could be **The Summer of George!** " he exclaimed, holding his hands up high. _

The flashback ended and George snapped back to reality. After taking a deep breath, he lept off the cliff yelling " _ **THE SUMMER OF GEOOOOOORRRGEEEE!**_ " all the way down. When he emerged from the water, he let out a triumphant yell, earning the claps of his fellow jumpees.

It was Dorothy and Sophia's turn next. Dorothy looked warily over the edge of cliff. "Uh, Chris I think I'm gonna have to take the non-lethal way out of this" she said, cautiously keeping her distance from the edge. "ARE YOU SURE YOU WANNA BE A LITTLE CUCK AND CHICKEN OUT?" Chris smugly asked, holding out the "I AM A CUCK" hat. Dorothy looked down once more. Goofy was still being destroyed by Gums the shark. Gulping, she replied "Yes, yes I'm sure". Chris stuck the "I AM A CUCK" hat on Dorothy's head as she looked down in shame.

"Typical" Miss Frizzle sassily said, passing by Dorothy and gracefully swan diving into the lake.

"Well pussycat, _Arrivederci!_ " Sophia said to her daughter, preparing to jump. Dorothy suddenly grabbed her. "Well wait Ma you can't go either!" she exclaimed. "Why not?" the older woman said, surprised. "Ma you're 83! Your bones are like glass, the fall alone could kill you!" "I've lived a good life!" her mother proclaimed, a laugh track playing in the background. "Ma, I absolutely _FORBID_ you to jump!" Dorothy commanded. Sophia angrily relented "Ah fine!" she mumbled as Chris stuck another cuck hat on her.

"ESCLATORS THAT WAY CUNTS" Chris said, smugly laughing at the two. "Way to go, pussycat. Our first time on TV and we're both Cucks!" Sophia complained on their way down, yet another laugh track playing.

Now its time for the Falcons to jump.

"Alright cunts, whos goin first?" Anything4views asked. Everyone just stood around in awkward silence. "Well don't all get up at once".

"I'll go" Mike said, somewhat scared. He eyed the bottom of the cliff nervously. "Gonna need a little liquid courage first" he said, pulling out a comically large hip flask full of vodka. After chugging it for like 10 seconds, he bravely cannonballed into the water, landing safely in the target zone. "Guess I'll go too" Jay said, following Mike's lead and jumping in, landing safely. Well you know, as safely as you can land when you're jumping from _1000_ fucking feet.

"i wanna go next" Peach said, showing a hint of what appeared to be excitement. "No No itsa not-a safe-a! We're not-a jumping!" Mario yelled, holding Peach's wheelchair handles tightly. "OH, SO YOU'RE SAYING THAT BOTH YOU _AND_ YOUR CRIPPLED WIFE ARE CUCKS?!" Chris said, obviously taking pleasure in his suffering. Mario accepted, placing both cuck hats on himself and Peach. "Oh fucking great" Chad complained as Mario wheel peach toward the escalator "how come i never get to do anything fun" peach said, Mario paying no heed to her complaint.

Mario stopped to tie his shoelace or some shit, and Peach noticed Zarya doing some pushups. "ey big lady, throw me off" she said. Zarya, who hadn't been paying attention at all quickly replied "DA" and threw Peach at a HIGH VELOCITY down the mountain. " _OH YEAHHHHHH_ " she yelled, her eyes and mouth wide with excitement. "PEACH-A!" Mario yelled rushing off the cliff after his wife, not before doin his signature "Yahoo!" Mario jump. The two both landed in the water, with Mario having to pull peach out.

"Hey! *snort* That was pretty cool! ThRoW mE iN tOo!" Peridorp yelled at Zarya. Zarya obliged and threw her off as well, adding another Falcon that had jumped.

"Alright, alright, ALRIGHT HERE WE GO!" Jerma yelled, psyching himself up. " _AAGGHHH_ " he yelled, sprinting off the side of the cliff. It was pretty unexpected, given that until now Jerma had been pretty quiet. He landed outside the safe zone but it didn't really matter since Gums was still trying to eat Goofy.

****Confession: Jerma****

"You know, something came to me while I was up there" Jerma was talking a little fast "I'm not just gonna be like the _Shitty Side Character_ , Alright? I'm not gonna be the guy who's just there while everyone else does shit and eventually gets voted off, no, I'm gonna be a main contender, okay, A fucking _Main character_! The fucking producers will never know what hit em, I'm gonna be the breakout character that everyone loves, like the Fonz. You remember Happy Days? You remember Fonzie? That's me, I'm Fonzie" There a brief pause. "Look, I don't know what the hells gonna happen to everyone else, but I can guarantee you this" Jerma leaned into the camera, pointing at himself decisively " _ **I will win the Billion Dollars** "._

 _****End Confession****_

"WELL THAT WAS FUCKIN WIERD" Chris said. "ANYWAY NEXT JUMPER". Barron was standing alone browsing reddit on his phone. "Alright, come on cunt lets go" Chad said, pushing Barron toward the edge. He still did nothing. "Come on!" he said, ripping his sunglasses off. Barron suddenly realized the situation he was in. He quickly bolted the opposite way toward the escalator. "Grab im!" Chad yelled to Zarya. Barron was 2 fast for Zarya and he zoomed past her, sliding down the escalator. "HEY YOU'RE FORGETTING YOUR CUCK HAT YOU LITTLE SHIT" Chris yelled angrily. Guess it was too late for that now.

"I'm not jumping" Sargon declared. "Oh you're fucking jumping Cunt" Chad counter-declared. He motioned for Zarya to throw him off. Unfortunately, Zarya must have been too strong, as the part of the cliff she was standing on broke and she plummeted into the water below, creating a pretty large splash. "Shit!" Chad yelled down. Sargon, meanwhile, took his cucking like a man, taking his hat and heading down the escalator. "SEE YA LATER SARGON OF AKKUCK!" Chris yelled down at Sargon.

****Confessional: Sargon****

"Look, this isn't even like main challenge" Sargon said, defending himself whilst wearing his "I AM A CUCK" hat. "We gotta build a hot tub right? I've built shit before, I can do that. I'm not jumping off a cliff though, fuck that".

****End Confession****

"WELP, THAT JUST LEAVES YOU TWO" Chris said, referring to Chad and Toriel. "Um, I-I don't really know if I can jump" Toriel timidly admitted. She had been letting others go in front of her the entire time she was up there. Can't do that no more.

Chad pushed her toward the edge. "C'mon, C'mon" he pleaded. He was starting to sound desperate. Toriel looked down at the water below. Many of the other contestants were either treading water or on the boat. Besides Goofy of course. She closed her eyes tightly and had a flashback.

" _For fucks sake Toriel you're nearly 50!" Undyne had been telling her over shots. Toriel was pretty sad looking, what with Frisk going off to College and Asgore divorcing her. "All you fucking do is watch 'I Love Lucy' reruns and knit sweaters!". Her life was basically a Golden Girls episode. "This is exactly what you need!" her companion said, holding up the Flyer for being on Total Drama Island. She thought it over for a bit, before summoning all her DETERMINGATION and saying "I'll do it!"._

Snapping back to reality, Toriel remembered the DETERMINATION she felt then, and summoned it to her again. Opening her eyes, she yelled out "Okay here I go!" and then jumped. She let out a terrified cry as she fell, but when she hit the water and re-emerged, she looked relieved. "T-That wasn't so bad!" she said, laughing as her teammates applauded her.

****Confessional: Toriel****

"I-I mean didn't wanna let my team down, or anything. I mean that's why I came here, to make new friends!" she said smiling.

****End Confessional****

****Confessional: George****

"She stole my scene!" he looked angry yet dumbstruck "Can you believe that?!. _She stole my scene!_ ".

****End Confessional****

Chad looked relieved "Oh thank fuckin god" he said, wiping the sweat off his brow. He was the last one left.

"WELL WHAT ABOUT YOU, ' _ANYTHING4VIEWS'?"_ Chris said "AREN'T _YOU_ GOING TO JUMP?". Chad chuckled "Please" he had his back turned to the cliff edge. " **How the fuck do you think I got my name**?" and with that, he majestically back dived off the cliff.

His fall was in slow motion. Ave Maria was playing in the background as his body fell. The camera cut to several other campers who were watching his descent, also in slow motion. Jerma, Akechi, and Remy all looked astonished by the majesty of the dive, with Frank taking off his glasses to look at him. Dorothy and Sophia, still wearing their cuck hats, pointed as they watched. Sandy was excitingly jumping up and down. " _SSSHHEE SSTTOOLLEE MMYY SSCCEENNEE!_ " George exclaimed (in slow motion) as he pointed to Toriel. Peach had the same look on her face as always, but Mario seemed entranced. Mike was drinking out his comically large hip flask. Goofy was still screaming and being destroyed by Gums.

At the crescendo of the song he landed, creating a large splash. Resurfacing, he held his arms high in triumph as everyone, regardless of team, applauded. Just then a fuckiNG _**EXPLOSION**_ occurred in the water, blasting him out onto land. " _ **OH FUCK**_ " Mike screamed, spilling his vodka. Anything4views landed in the sand, probably breaking a few bones. Goofy and Gums were also on the beach; guess they got blasted out too.

" **OH YEAH I FORGOT WE PUT A FEW FUCKIN _SEA MINES_ IN THERE TOO,** **HA** _**HA!**_ " Chris laughed hysterically, having zoomed down in Segway. Goofy crawled out of Gums's mouth in pain. A few of his bodyparts looked severely broken. "SHIT, PUSH HIM BACK IN, THAT SHARK COST A LOT OF MONEY" Chris yelled. A bunch of unpaid interns then rushed in to push the de-toothed shark back in the water as he flopped around on land, suffocating.

"Uh Chris, wasn't there supposed to be a reward for whatever team had the most jumpers?" Dorothy asked. "WELL THERE WAS _GOING_ TO BE A FUCKING REWARD" Chris yelled through a megaphone right into Dorothy's fucking ear. "UNFORTUNATELY DUE TO HAVING AN EQUAL AMOUNTS OF CUCKS LIKE _YOU_ ON EACH SIDE, NOBODY GETS IT" Chris then tossed a Molotov cocktail into a nearby truck. "THE WINNING TEAM WAS GONNA GET THAT TRUCK TO HAUL THE CRATES. NOW YA GOTTA FUCKING CARRY EM. _NICE ONE DUMBASSES_ ".

Now the teams had to carry the crates. This was pretty easy on the Falcon side, cuz ya know, Zarya could just pick up like 5 of them and then it was pretty easy for everyone else cuz they could work together. Morale was pretty high, so they started singing a song. " _SING US A SONG PIANO MAN. SING US A SONG TONIGHT. CUZ WE'RE ALL IN THE MOOD FOR A MELODY. AND YOU GOT US FEELIN ALRIGHT_ ".

The rats were definitely fucked when it came to carrying these goddamn crates. For one, Remy was basically fucking useless. I mean he could barely push a fucking door open, and they were expecting him to carry some crates? Nah man. Goofy's body was fucking mangled beyond recognition so he couldn't really help out. In fact they had to carry him back to camp so he was pretty much literal dead weight. Dorothy and Sophia were old as fuck so carrying the fucking crates was a pain in the ass for them. At least they had Mr T. He was pretty strong.

"Come on George!" Frank huffed as he struggled to push two crates toward the campground. George was lagging behind pretty hard. This was a lot more energy than he was used to exerting back home. He was very sweaty. "Oh god, *huff* I knew I shouldn't have skipped gym back in High School". A laugh track played, causing George to look around in confusion. "What is that?!" he yelled out in desperation. Before he could continue on his existentialism, Chris started shooting at him with his Deagle.

"COME ON PEOPLE LETS PICK UP THE PACE HERE" he yelled as fired a few shots around George. "GET A MOVE ON YOU FUCKIN LOSER" Chris yelled directly to George, sipping a latte on his Segway. George took the hint and kept moving.

****Confessional: Chris****

Chris is snorting a line of coke. " _FUCK_ " he yells out in pain, coughing a bit.

****End Confession****

Meanwhile, thanks to Zarya, the Falcons had arrived early at camp.

"Alright guys, lets get started" Sargon said, opening one of the Crates. "Oh, you mean you actually wanna do so some fucking work, cunt?" Chad said sarcastically. Sargon attempted to not escalate the situation "Look, I'm sorry I didn't jump, alright? It doesn't matter anyway, we still get ere' early didn't we?" "Fucker we coulda got here fuckin 30 minutes ago if you'd just fuckin jumped you cuck!" Chad responded angrily. "What about Barron, he hasn't said a fuckin word since we got ere! He cucked out, why don't ya fuckin chew im out!" Sargon replied.

"Guys Guys c'mon lets not fight!" Jerma butted in "Okay? Lets just build the fucking hot tub. We're like 20 minutes ahead of the others, alright? Lets just fuckin work together an-". Jerma was going slam his fist on the crate in order to make a point, but the crate was a lot more fragile than it appeared and Jerma's hand went right through it and he got some pretty nasty splinters. "FUCK" he yelled out in pain. He dropped to the ground holding his hand, which was pretty much impaled. "OH GOD OH SWEET JESUS" he screamed out. Anything4views and Sargon laughed at the sight, forgetting all about their argument. Jerma was bleeding pretty bad though.

Before long, the Falcons started making steady progress on the hot tub. Sargon and Chad were working together on the actual construction. Zarya did the heavy lifting, and everybody else just kinda helped out. Except Peach. Peach just sat there like she always does.

Anyway the Rats arrived some time after, and everybody looked pretty exhausted. "Alright, *huff*, alright, *huff* alright the hard parts over" Frank let out. "Now we just gotta build this fuckin Jacuzzi".

As everybody began unpacking their shit, Dorothy began to give out orders. "Alright, ma I want you to start getting all the nuts and screws" "Gotcha, Pussycat". "Laurence" Mr T's head poked up "I want you start laying the foundation". Mr T nodded. "Frank I want you t-" "Whoah whoah whoah whoah" Frank exclaimed "Who the hell made _you_ team leader?" he asked, somewhat shocked and offended "What the hell do you know about buildin a hot tub?". "Well Frank I'll have you know that back in Miami my roommates and I once put together a toilet all by ourselves" "So? What the hell does puttin in shitter have to do with hot tub construction."

Dorothy scoffed; "It means, Frank, that I think I have little experience with plumbing". Frank wasn't impressed "Please, that's nothin. Back home my buddy Charlie and I once started a Hot Tub Construction company. We'd go in, put in the hot tub, maybe bang a broad or two, and then leave with our pockets fulla cash". Dorothy looked at him incredulously. "Me and him made a lot dough that summer. Unfortunately he blew it all on a helicopter. A helicopter he crashed about 5 days later, but I digress. Point is, Hot tub constructions my bread n butter".

Dorothy was flustered "Look Frank, I'm sure you're a hot tub construction expert". She reached into a crate and pulled out a wrench. "But I think that as long we follow _my_ directions, we should be. _just_. _**fine**._" as she said that she waved her arms back, accidently throwing the wrench right into Mr T's face, knocking him out, with the laugh track going fucking wild. "OH!" Dorothy recoiled, holding her hands over mouth. "Yikes" Sophia muttered, another laugh track playing.

****Confessional: Dorothy****

Dorothy seemed panicked. "I-I-I didn't _mean_ to throw it at him! It just slipped out my hands!". She held her face in her hands, " _Oh god I'm gonna voted off!_ ".

****End Confession****

****Confessional: Miss Frizzle****

Miss Frizzle crossed her arms, unimpressed. "Typical".

****End Confession****

Whilst Dorothy and Sophia were busy checking on Mr T's concussion, Frank used the opportunity to take control. "As I was saying, Hot tubs are my expertise. If you guys all follow my directions we can pull a win out here". He looked over his shoulder at the Falcon Team, who were nearly done. "Now listen, the Falcons got a huge head start, but we can recover, we just gotta cut a few corners". "But Franklin, the competition is about the _quality_ of the Hot tub, not who can make one the fastest." Akechi interrupted. "Now I'm sure we're on a time limit bu-" Frank cut him off "Listen, don't worry about it, okay? Just do what I say". "We can pull this off, alright? Now, who's with me!?" Frank yelled into the team huddle. Everybody (Akechi, Frank, George, Remy, Normahn, Sandy, and Miss Friz) put their hands together and, on the count of 3, set off to build the Jacuzzi.

What followed was a really shitty montage. Everything was going great with the Falcon Jacuzzi. Structure turned out pretty good, with Mike and Jay holding the planks in places as Mario and Peridorp hammered in the nails. Sargon and Anything4views were surprisingly getting along. Chad was screwing in some shit with the pipes, and Sargon was handing him the screws whilst reading the directions. Toriel was tending to Jerma's wound, pulling out the splinters with some tweezers and bandaging him up. When they finally got the water in, Barron and Peach got to test it out, with both giving a thumbs up.

Meanwhile, it was a total shitshow for the Rats. When Frank said cutting corners he fucking meant it. The shape had turned from a circle to a shitty square so they could save on wood. After all, a few crates had to be left behind so George could keep up. Frank and George were trying to make sense of the instructions and failing; probably had something to do with the fact they were changing the entire layout of it. Sandy had to use some super glue to keep the wooden boards together, but like a fucking retard she glued herself to the tub. Normahn and Akechi were pretty competent, but putting the plumbing in was a disaster due to the lack of proper tools. Remy was going to test the water, but Sandy accidently knocked him in whilst she was trying to get free. The Water was **literally boiling** and Remy almost died, but luckily Miss Frizzle was there to help the little dude out. Dorothy and Sophia were too busy bandaging up Mr T's head, comically putting too much or too little sometimes. Well, ya know, comical for the live studio audience. Mr T didn't think it was funny. He was fucking unconscious. Goofy just laid there on the ground, moaning in pain.

"ALRIGHT BITCHES, TIMES UP" Chris yelled, suddenly blowing a loud whistle. He got out of his Segway and walked over to judge the tubs. The Falcon tub was pretty good, it was the optimal shape, size, and design. Chris gave it 2 okay signs. Then he walked over to the Rat tub. The Rat tub looked like it was pulled straight from a Kenyan village. It was a square, cobbled-together mess. They put Remy on a lil floaty above it to make it seem more appealing, but Chris didn't look impressed.

" _PFFT, THIS TUBS FUCKIN GAY_ " he exclaimed, pulling out a baseball bat. He then knocked a hole in the side of it, letting all the water (and Remy) out; basically he fucking destroyed it.

"LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE OURSELVES A _**WINNNER!**_ " Chris screamed firing off a party popper, pointing to the Falcons. The Falcons all cheered each other on, hugging and congratulating one another. The Rats looked pissed. "What the hell!" Frank exclaimed "What was the fuck was wrong with our tub?!". "YOU DIDN'T EVEN FOLLOW THE FUCKIN DIRECTIONS DUDE" Chris responded, pulling out a ** _gigantic_ **blueprint of the hot tub. "This is fuckin bullshi-!" before Frank could finish, Chris shot him in the face with a pepper spray gun, causing to fall on the floor in pain. " ** _AGUHK_** ".

Chris then segwayed around the Rats, firing a few more pepper spray rounds into the crowd. He hit George in the back with his bat as tried to run, and then nearly ran over Miss Frizzle. " _ **ANYBODY ELSE WANNA FUCKING COMPLAIN?!**_ " he sceamed. Everybody shook their heads. " **GOOD** " his smile returned "ALRIGHT GUyS LETS GET A MOVE ON. ITS TIME FOR _DINNER_ ".

The Falcons seemed pretty pumped, with Zarya holding Chad and Toriel up high as the champions of the team as they made their way to the mess hall. The Rats could only limp their way there.

****Confession: Mike and Jay****

The two had a couple of beers in their hands "I really wasn't expecting us to win there, I thought that Sargon and Chad would've fought too much, but I guess they were able to find some common ground" Jay said. "What about you Mike?" "What?" Mike wasn't paying attention; he was too busy drinking. "Did you think we were gonna win?". Mike thought it over for a second. "Fuck no". The two then started laughing.

****End Confession****

Everyone was lined up to eat at the mess hall. Today's food was Pork and Turnips. Zarya's favorite.

"THE TURNIP IS THE MIGHTIEST OF THE VEGETABLE" she let out in joy, grabbing a turnip from the tray and holding it up to the sunlight. "REMINDS ME OF MOTHER RUSSIA" Zarya said, a single tear coming out of her eye.

Chef just stared blankly into the distance, his eyes cold and lifeless. He must have been having another Vietnam flashback.

 _"AUGH" Chef let out in pain as a Viet Cong soldier splashed him with another bucket full of water. "Please, Please, *Huff* I don't know anything! Please, Just let me go!" he was sobbing. The Viet Cong soldier just slapped him. "YOU KNOW SOMETHING. AMERICAN SOLDIER ALWAYS KNOW SOMETHING"._

"Excuse me" Normahn said. "Excuse me, can I please have my food" he said with his thick Bostonian accent. Chef snapped out of it. "Take your fucking food!" he replied angrily, throwing the turnip right into the FBI agent's chest, causing him to wince in pain.

Everyone at the Falcon table was celebrating their win, with Toriel passing out cookies to celebrate. The Rat table, on the other hand, was a fucking mess. The area around Frank's eyes was stained with pepper spray, which was still burning. Goofy's right arm was in a sling, with his head bandaged and his crutch leaning on the table nearby. Remy's body was covered in burn marks from the boiling water incident. George and Akechi still had bruises from Chris's "victory beating" and Dorothy and Sophia looked exhausted, with the former still trying to apologize to the now conscious Mr T.

"I'm just so sorry, I-I didn't mean t-" Mr T put up hand to stop her. His headache was already bad enough.

"It's all _his_ fault!" Dorothy yelled, pointing at Frank accusingly.

"Me?! I'm not the one who knocked out our best guy here!" Frank replied, pointing at Mr T. "If it weren't for _Miss Butterthumbs_ here we probably coulda pulled a win outta this!".

"I knew it! _I knew_ you were trouble from the moment I saw you, you're just like my ex-husband Stan! You even look like him!" Dorothy said. Sophia interjected "Dorothy, _please_ , You're giving the guy too much credit. At least Stans taller than this cretin" she said, the laugh track doing fucking somersaults.

"You wanna go bitch?!" Frank yelled, standing up. George and Normahn moved to hold him back. "I aint afraid to fight a woman, I've done it before!". "Go ahead, you think this is my first fight, fatso?!" Sophia responded, with Dorothy having to hold her mother back.

As the situation escalated, Sandy, her arms crossed, suddenly let out " _Well we woulda won if we didnt have so many fuckin **NIGGERS** on our team!_". Sandy suddenly realized Mr T standing above her. "What'd you just say little lady?" He seemed angry. "I _said,_ we woulda _won,_ if we didn't have you nig-" Mr T suddenly picked her up and held her by her suit. This caught the attention of everyone else. Mr T stared her down " _You should consider yourself lucky I gave up violence a long time ago, otherwise you'd be **dead**_ " he said intimidatingly. He then let her fall to the ground.

****Confessional: Mr T****

"I pity the fools who's racist".

****End Confession****

"Whats going on?" Dorothy asked, concerned. "I was just splaining how we woulda won if we didn't have these fuckin **negroes** on our team". Goofy, being black, also took offense to this statement. "WHAT THE H'YUCK DID YOU JUST SAY BITCH?" he moved to attack her, but was held back. "I'LL H'YUCKIN PISS ON YOUR CORPSE" he yelled angrily. Sandy seemed unfazed. "I mean think about it, the ** _Jiggaboos_ **on this team didn't do jack shit." She pointed at Goofy "This one just layed there the whole time". "He was _crippled_ " Akechi said, somewhat shocked at her blatant racism. Sandy couldn't give less of a fuck. "It just goes to show, Niggers. _Are_. _**Lazy**_ ". Goofy was ready to fucking kill her.

The scene then cut to the elimination by the bonfire. It was nighttime now and there was dramatic music. Most of the Rats looked pretty miffed to be there, with Goofy and Mr T looking especially pissed. Sandy just sat there with a big stupid racist grin on her face.

"ALRIGHT, HERES HOW ITS GONNA GO DOWN" Chris said, holding some goddamn marshmallows. "THERES 11 OF YOU, AND ONLY TEN OF THESE. IF YOU DONT GET ONE YOU'RE SCREWED, GOT IT". Chris then began to call out names.

"NORMAN, YOU'RE SAFE, SO'S AKECHI, REMY, GEORGE, AND SOPHIA" they all got their marshmallows; Remy's was the size of his entire body. "NEXT WE GOT MY MAIN MAN MR T" he said with fingerguns. Mr T didn't care, he just got his marshmallow. "GOOFY" Goofy gave a dirty look to Sandy as he got his.

"MR REYNOLDS" Chris said, referring to Frank, who looked relieved. Dorothy began to worry even more.

"FINALLY, THE LAST MARSHMALLOW" he said, holding out the last one for the two of them to see. "YOU TWO REALLY FUCKED UP TODAY, BUT ONLY ONE OF YOU GETS TO STAY".

The two both nervously eyeballed the little white treat.

"AND THAT PERSON IS..."

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"DOROTHY"

"Yes!" Dorothy yelled, jumping up with relief.

****Confessional: Frank****

"Shit!"

****End Confession****

As Dorothy collected her prize, Sandy just looked dumbstruck. " _WOW, HOW THE FUCK DO YOU GET ELIMINATED ON THE FIRST EPISODE, WHAT A FUCKING RETARD_ " Chris taunted. " _GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE YOU INBRED_ " he yelled as he shooed her away with a broom.

"AS FOR REST YOU, GET BACK TO YOUR CABINS AND GET A GOOD NIGHTS REST, YOU'LL NEED IT." he then not-so-subtley winked to the camera as the rest of Team Rat retreated. The camera then cut back to Sandy's boat, which was speeding away into the distance. The boat then hit one of the seamines from before, exploding and killing Sandy. Chris just chuckled. " _OH YEAH_ " he said, turning to face the camera. His eyes looked really crazy now " _IF YOU GET ELIMINATED ON TOTAL DRAMA ISLAND YOUR ASS IS **DEAD** ". _He then laughed maniacally before a coughing up a little blood.

The final shot was of the Falcons celebrating their new hot tub with a party, with Chad, Mike, Jay, and Peridorp all sharing the tub whilst the other let out a mighty victory cry. As Frank passed by, he said directly to the camera "This aint over bitch, believe me. I don't care what it takes, _I'm gonna win_ ".

Then the episode ended.

 **AN: hey guys if you read this chapper after reading the first one then thanks for supportin my story its a bit different than my other ones but i'm pretty happy about how it turned out. Make sure to leave some spicy reviwos for this story no matter what u put I will still enjoy it thnks :)**


	3. stay awake you cunts

" _ **LAST TIME ON TOTAL DRAMA ISLAND**_ " Chris screamed as dramatic music played.

*Clips from the last 2 episodes are shown*

" _22_ _ **IDIOTS**_ _FELL FOR OUR BLATANT PONZI SCHEME, NOW THEY'RE STUCK IN THIS GODDAMN CAMP FOR A WHOLE SUMMER_ ".

*The contestants are shown jumping off the cliff*

" _WE MADE THESE INBREDS JUMP OFF A CLIFF AND THEN BUILD A HOT TUB_ "

*Sargon is shown refusing to jump*

" _SOME TOOK THE PLUNGE, OTHERS CUCKED OUT_ "

*The mess hall scene from before is shown*

" _IN THE END, SANDY REVEALED HER TRUE COLORS AS A_ _ **RACIST MOTHERFUCKER**_ _, PROMPTLY GETTING VOTED OFF_ "

*Sandy's boat is shown exploding*

" _NICE ONE DUMBASS_ "

*The camera cuts back to Chris*

"WHOSE GONNA _**DIE**_ THIS TIME? FIND OUT RIGhT HERE, RIGHT NOW, ON TOTAL. _DRAMA_. _**ISLAND!**_ ".

*Opening credits*

Dear mom and dad, I'm doing fine  
You guys are on my mind  
You asked me what I wanted to be  
And now I think the answer is plain to see  
I want to be famous

I want to live close to the sun  
Well, pack your bags cause I've already won.  
Everything to prove nothing in my way  
I'll get there one day

Cause I want to be famous

Nanana'nanaana nana nana na na na na na naa  
I wanna be, I wanna be; I wanna be famous  
I wanna be, I wanna be; I wanna be famous

[Whistle's to theme]

*It ends thank god*

The camera cuts to outside the communal bathroom as the song "Fifth Avenue Stroll" plays in the background. It then cuts to the inside, revealing Mike and Jay, who were just finishing up their _Half-In-The-Bag_ episode on _Gnomeo and Juliet 3: Into Darkness_. Just because they were on a game show didn't mean they couldn't still make YouTube videos.

"S-So Jay," Mike said, slightly drunk. "Would you recommend Gnome, Gno-Gnohm-" Jay just stared at Mike as he struggled to remember the name of the movie. " So Jay would you recommend _Gnome Movie_?" "Well Mike, uh, no, no I wouldn't" Jay finally said. "I thought the movie was pretty terrible. The writing was bad, the voice acting was bad, even like the cute Garden Gnome aesthetic, I didn't really enjoy it that much". Mike took another sip of his drink. "The movie didn't really feel like it was _for_ anyone. From what I can gather this film was a lot darker then the other two. Uh, I never saw them, but they were apparently like cute and family friendly little, ya know, kid movies. I'm guessing the whole _'Jack the Ripper but he's a garden gnome_ ' plot isn't go over well with parents, so, uh, I don't know how this gonna do in the box office." Jay trailed off.

"What about you Mike, would you recommend this movie?" "Well Jay, uh, having seen the other two Gnomeo movies, I'd say that this film took the series in a bold new direction, which I applaud them for, and, despite a few quirks in the script, I _would_ recommend seeing this movie at least once". " _Really?_ " Jay responded, unconvinced. " _Fuck no_ " Mike exclaimed, the pair cracking up. " _I'd rather blow my fucking head off then see this movie again!_ " he said, Jay holding his forehead and laughing. "This movie was _godawful!_ " he yelled. "I'd rather have a razor blade enema than watch it again!" Jay could barely contain himself. "I'd rather play 'Extreme To-The-Death Dodgeball!". Jay was on the floor. " _Would I recommend this movie?_ What am I, **lobotomized?!** _Hell_ no! Hell no".

*Jump cut* Jay had calmed down, Mike was still talking though. "There was this one scene, and I think you had fallen asleep at this point, but it was right after, uh, 'Gnome Jack the Ripper' had killed Juliet. He was cutting up her little ceramic body, and he had opened up her chest cavity. He then pulled out her heart, her little ceramic heart" Mike turned to the camera "which was still beating, mind you, and held it up to the sky and recited the whole 'To be or not to be' speech from Hamlet in his stupid Kermit-The-Frog sounding voice" Jay could hardly believe what he was hearing. "And when he was done, he threw her heart onto the ground, and it shattered into like a billion pieces. It was so fucking surreal" Jay was laughing again "I thought I was dead. For a moment I legitimately thought I had _died_ and went to some like deranged purgatory". Mike was laughing now too. "But then I realized it was **real** and I fucking burst out laughing in the theater!".

As the two laughed their asses off to one of cinema's worst mistakes, the camera cut to the Falcon Cabin, where Sargon was on his computer.

He was watching a video by Mr Metokur called "Sargon of Akkuck", in which Sargon was _**brutally**_ roasted by Mr Metokur for his performance in the first two episodes. "I mean, imagine my shock, when I'm just flippin channels and I land on _Carl Benjamin_ wearing a fucking "I AM A CUCK" hat!" Metokur said whilst laughing. "And not only that, but apperantly in the first episode he got into a fuckin fight with _Anything4views_ , you know, that guy who got a _Pewdipie_ tattoo on his ass?!". Sargon just cringed. The video already had half a million views, and there were tons of videos that were essentially the same thing. Sargon angrily closed his laptop and shoved a pillow in his face, falling back onto his bed.

****Confession: Sargon****

"I can't believe this is fuckin happenin" he said, holding his forehead. "Overnight I've become a goddamn joke. I-I mean what the hells the difference if I jumped or not, we still won!" he said angrily. He pulled out his phone and showed it to the camera. "Look at this!" On it were several memes of Sargon in the Cuck hat. One of them was a "You versus the guy she tells you not to worry about" meme, with Sargon in the Cuck hat being "you" and a shirtless Anything4views flexing being "the guy she tells you not to worry about". Sargon seemed especially pissed about this one. "This is fucking humiliating!" he yelled into the camera.

****End Confession****

As Sargon laid in bed in his "Classical Liberal" pajamas, the camera panned out to reveal that everyone in the Falcons' boys' room was on their computer. Imagine the shittiest LAN party in existence; it was basically that.

Jerma was busy livestreaming himself hoola-hooping. Barron appeared to be shitposting on /x/. And Chad, having set up his desktop computer, was busy playing World of Warcraft. He appeared to be in deep focus. Plus Peridorp was in there too cuz the outlets in the girls' room was total garbage.

Zarya had moved the spare Girl's bed into the boy's room following the Falcons' victory in the first challenge. This was great for Sargon, as now he didn't have to sleep on the floor, but now the room was cramped as fuck. Jerma barely had any room to hoola-hoop, and he eventually ended up crashing into Chad's computer. "EY, FUCKIN WATCH IT YA MIDGET!" Chad yelled. Jerma's enthusiasm with his activity disappeared as, once again, he was reminded of his height. Peridot snickered in the top bunk she was sharing with Barron. "Hey *snort*" she whispered to Barron. "Isn't it funny how he's so _tiny_ , and yet *snort* he makes such a _big mess_?" she chuckled, eliciting a smirk from Barron, who was currently posting Goku R34 on a Tulpa Thread. Jerma was holding his anger in.

****Confession: Jerma****

"Okay, Okay" he said, holdin up his index finger. "Can we get one thing fucking clear here? Alright? **_I am not short_**. Okay? I am fucking 5'8!" Jerma stood up. "You see this?! **_5'8!_** ". Jerma was clearly not 5'8. "I don't know how the fuck this 'Short Jerma' meme started, but its not true, _I am 5'8!_ That's like slightly taller than Napoleon, okay?! Jerma realized what he was saying " ** _And Napoleon wasn't short! That's a myt_** -".

****End Confession****

Jerma said nothing, dropped his hoola hoop, and then stomped out angrily. All the while his Twitch Chat was going fucking wild.

" _Goddamnit"_ he mumbled to himself, slamming the door behind him. As he continued on his angry stomp, he passed by Frank and George. "Hey, uh, what's with him?" George asked. "How should I know? Look, he doesn't matter, alright?" Frank responded as the two walked on.

The scene transitioned to the entrance of the communal bathroom, whilst Heinz Kiessling's _On Your Bike_ played in the background. "George, come ere I wanna show you somethin" Frank said, motioning for George to enter along with him.

"Last night I was rummagin' through one the trashcans outside the mess hall, and I noticed thi-" Frank was cut off as he walked in on Mike and Jay's recording.

"There were kids _crying_! Right there next to me there was little girl _bawling her eyes out_! And I so felt so bad but it just was too funny!" Mike exclaimed as the the two of them laughed.

"Whoah Whoah, Hey! What the hell is this?!" Frank asked, surprised by their presence. The two turned to face them.

"Oh hey Mike, its Frank and George from the Rats!" Jay said, pointing to them. George briefly lifted his hand up in a hello wave.

"What the hell are you guys doin in here?" Frank asked. "Well Frank, we're recording our Half-In-The-Bag video on _Gnomeo and Juliet 3: Into Darkness_ " Mike replied. "A movie so godawful one of the writers commited _suicide_ shortly after the film's release" he said, a slide whistle sound effect accompanying a zoom in on Jay looking straight into the camera.

"Wha-? Get the fuck outta here I gotta piss!" Frank yelled at them. "Well, we're not done yet" Jay responded. Before the argument could continue, they all heard Chris yelling from outside " _WAKEY WAKEY MOTHERFUCKERS_ " followed by gunshots and screaming. "Welp, looks like we gotta go anyway" Jay said, him and Mike walking toward the exit, Mike nearly tripping on a pile of beer bottles.

"So what'd you wanna show me again?" George asked. "Ah forget it, lets just go ahead meet up with everyone else" Frank replied, dismayed by the interruption. George left, but before Frank could join him, he quickly rummaged through a stall, grabbing something and putting it in his pocket. _On your Bike_ resumed as Frank left, but not before he a took a swig out of a half empty beer bottle.

By the time Frank joined everyone else, a line of people had formed. The majority of campers on the Falcons' side appeared well rested, aside from Barron who had stayed up all night shitposting on 9gag. The Rapacious Rats; not so much. Due to the various injuries everyone got yesterday, sleeping was basically hell, especially for Goofy, who still Recuperating from Gums' **_4,000 PSI Bite_**.

Toriel gave out a yawn as Chris started talking. "ALRIGHT BITCHES, WHO THE FUCK IS READY FOR YOUR 50 KILOMETER _DEATH RUN_ " he said smugly. "Wha- Chris! That's nearly _31 Miles!_ " Dorothy exclaimed, shocked. "YOU BET IT IS" Chris said, smugly smoking a Cigar in between laughs. "Ah that's nothin!" Sophia said. "I've run marathons before, this'll be a piece-a-cake".

"WELL, I AM SURE IT WILL BE EASY, _UNTIL WE SEND IN THE DOGS_ " Chris said mischievously. " _I like dogs_ " Peach said slowly and painfully. "OH, I'M SURE YOU'RE GOING TO **_LOVE_** THESE THEN".

****Confessional: Chris****

" _I REALLY HOPE THAT FUCKING RETARD GETS MAULED TO DEATH BY THE DOGS_ " he said before taking another hit from his cigar.

****End Confession****

"YOU GUYS READY?" Chris said, holding up his Desert Eagle.

Mr T allowed Remy to climb up his arm. "You may find safety on my shoulder, little rat" he said.

Peridorp, seeing this, promptly climbed on Sargon's back. "Heh, Hey! *snort* Carry me too you cuck! *snort*". Sargon wanted to protest, but decided to endure it; he had a reputation to preserve after all.

"ON YOUR MARK, _GET SET_ , **_GO!_** " Chris Screamed, firing into the air.

Everyone started running, some quicker than others. Mario was at an obvious disadvantage, given that he had to push Peach's crippled body the whole way. But Chad was as the most disadvantage, being a fat fuck and all.

It then cut to about halfway through the giant ass race.

Sophia, despite being in her 80s, was leading the pack with her amazing stamina. I guess she wasn't kidding about being a marathon runner. "Come on, Pussycat, keep up!" she yelled back to her daughter, who was way behind. Jerma had taken the lead early in the race, sprinting the first half like a fucking madman. Unfortunately, he gave out soon after, collapsing onto the ground. "YOU MUST PACE SELF, LITTLE MAN" Zarya said, picking him up. " _I'm not *huff* *huff* little *huff* godamnit_ " he said, out of breath.

Meanwhile in the back of the pack, the dogs had started catch up with everyone. The dogs were viciously nipping at Mario heels as he desperately pushed his wife to safety. " _Come ere lil doggie_ " Peach said, oblivious to the mortal danger she was in. They passed by Chad, who was currently holding on for dear life in a tree he had climbed. " _THESE AREN"T DOGS YA FUCKIN MONGREL THEY"RE_ _ **RABID WOLVES**_ " he screamed down to Chris, who smugly staring at him as the dogs barked up his tree. For some reason they weren't attacking him.

" _PFFT,_ WHATS THE DIFFERENCE DUDE?" he replied.

Miss Frizzle, who had caught up, stopped in her tracks. "Well Christopher" she said in an enthusiastic teacher voice "There are actually _many_ differences between Wolves and Modern Dogs".

Conveniently, she had chosen today to wear her "Wolf Dress" which had several species of wolf on it, along with some Wolf Teeth earrings. "For one thing, Wolves ar-" Chris fired his gun into the air, cutting her off.

" **I DONT FUCKIN CARE GET OUTTA HERE** , _**MOVE!**_ " he yelled angrily.

Miss Frizzle took the hint and quickly returned to running with the others.

"FUCKING WEIRDO".

Anyway everyone eventually made it to the mess hall, even Goofy, who had to outrun 6 rabid wolves in crutches. Chad was, obviously, the last one to arrive, having to desperately shut the door behind him as the rabid wolves clawed at the door, barking like crazy. He had claw and bite marks all over him.

Peridorp, who had rode the entire way on Sargon's back, chuckled into his ear "Heh, heh, *snort* Thanks for carrying me ya cuck!". She gave him a little slap on his cheek and jumped off onto the floor. Sargon looked infuriated.

****Confession: Sargon****

" _I am_ _ **this fucking close**_ _to killing that lil shit_ " he said angrily.

****End Confession****

"GOOD TO SEE YOU ALL MADE IT, WELL, _MOSTLY_ " he said laughing, referring to a large chunk of flesh that Chad was missing. Chad didn't think it was so funny, he looked terrified.

"Well, um... What are we having for breakfast?" Toriel said, trying to sound positive despite everyone's near death experience.

"OH YEAH, ABOUT THAT" Chris began "WE WERE GONNA GIVE YOU GUYS SOME SOUP, BUT WE MADE IT LIKE _3 HOURS AGO_ SO-" "You mean its cold?!" Sargon concluded. Chris could not be smugger "YEAH".

Chef then brought out 21 bowls of cold potato and cabbage soup. Mmm. " _AH_ " Zarya said in delight. "IT IS JUST LIKE _OKROSHKA_ BACK HOME" she said, enthusiastically downing what little soup there was.

****Confession: Remy****

Remy appeared to be saying something about the soup, but since he was a rat all you could hear was just squeaking.

****End: Confession****

"Wait a minute, who won the challenge?" Akechi asked. "Who won the race?".

"PFFT, THAT WASNT THE CHALLENGE _DUMBASS_ " Chris replied. He then climbed on top of the table, knocking Akechi's soup over. "THE REAL CHALLENGE IS WHATS NEXT, BABY: _ **THE MOTHERFUCKING AWAKE-A-THON**_ " he yelled, dabbing psychotically.

After he got done, he continued on his speech "YOU CUNTS GOTTA STAY AWAKE, AND WHOEVER HOLDS OUT THE LONGEST WINS". He pointed down at the contestants "AND IF YA LOSE, YOU'RE OUTTA HERE, GOT IT?". Everyone nodded. "GOOD" Chris got back on the floor "NOW LETS GET TO TH-" Chris forgot about the rabid dogs still trying get in, and so when he tried to open the door he had to quickly re-shut it. " **FUCK** " he yelled, trying to hold them back. "CHEF!" he called out. Chef then appeared with cold, soulless eyes, and wielding a pump-action shotgun. After cocking it, the camera panned to outside the mess hall, where a few gunshots could be heard after.

****Confession Peach****

" _those poor doggies_ " she said slowly.

****End Confession****

****Confessional: Jerma****

"What a shitty challenge" he said, baffled.

****End Confession****

The camera then cut to the outside, where everybody had gathered for the Challenge. Frank had pulled George aside, away from the others.

"You remember what I was saying earlier, ya know in the bathroom?" "Yeah?" "Well what I was gonna say was that last night I was digging through the garbage, and I came across Chris's tent" he explained. "Well he wasn't there, so I figured, ya know, why not go check it out? And guess what" he then pulled out a large Ziploc bag full of white powder. " _The guy's got more coke than El Chapo!_ ".

George was baffled, "Wait, you _stole_ some of his drugs?!" "Only a lil bit!" Frank responded. "A little?! Theres like an entire **_Kilo_** in there!" George said, a laugh track playing. "Look, relax okay? He won't notice. The point is _this is great for us!_ " Frank replied "This'll help keep us awake and we can win the challenge!". "Frank, uh, I don't know, I've never really done drugs before". Frank attempted to assuage his worries "Listen, don't worry. I did this kind of shit all the time back in Philly, its totally harmless!". George hesitated for a bit, and then threw his arms up "Alright!" he said, flustered.

The camera then cut back to the bonfire area, where everybody else was trying to stay awake. Frank and George were rejoining the others. "And where have you two been?" Dorothy asked suspiciously. "None of ya business, doll, aint that right George?" Frank responded. George just sat there, his eyes wide, twitching slightly and sniffling. "See?".

****Confession: Dorothy****

"Frank's up to something, I just know it" she said. "If he thinks I'm dumb enough to not notice, then he's got another thing coming" she held her finger up "I mean, _really_ , who does he think I am? Back in elementary school I-" Dorothy was cut off someone knocking on the door. "Dorothy you still in there? Hurry up I gotta use the can!" Sophia yelled, a laugh track playing. "Just a second Ma!" she replied.

****End Confession****

The scene then transitioned to about a few hours later. Everybody was still awake, though a few looked sleepy. George didn't look too good. He was pale, and was shaking quite violently. "F-F-F-Frank, I-I-I don't feel s-so good!" he said, shaking. Frank was also not feeling good, breathing hard. "I thought you said this stuff was harmless!". "It is!" Frank replied, panicking. "I-I don't know what the hells happenin!" he pulled out the bag from earlier. "Usually it-" Frank paused, his mouth still open. " _Oh shit._ ** _Oh Shit_**! _ **OH SHIT!**_ " he yelled, panicking. "Wh-What?! What is it?!" George said, also panicking. " _THIS AINT COKE ITS FUCKIN_ _ **ANGEL DUST!**_ " he yelled as Werner Tautz's _Grand Central_ began to play in the background. " _ANGEL DUST_?! YOU MEAN **_PCP?!_** " George yelled loudly.

"What the hells goin on over here?" Sophia inquired. George was beginning to hallucinate. He saw Sophia as his own mother, and with his own mother's voice "George, what in god's name is wrong with you?" she asked in her nasally voice. " _ **AGHHHHHHH!**_ " he screamed, taking off toward the woods. "GGEORGE COME BACKC" Frank yelled, slurring his words somewhat and running after him. Unfortunately he tripped on a rock and fell to the ground. He didn't have the motor capacity to get back up, so he pathetically tried to crawl. " _GEORGGEE!_ " he yelled, slumping over on the ground in defeat.

Anyway, the next cut was to the 15 hour mark. A few contestants were already asleep. On the rat side, George was nowhere to be seen, but Remy and Miss Frizzle had been first ones to go, along with Frank who was passed out on the ground. Things weren't the great for the Falcons either though. Peridorp had curled up in a little ball for a nice Gremlin nap; she literally didn't even try to stay awake. Mario had fallen asleep, and Mike was passed out drunk next to him. Fucking Lightweights.

Akechi and Normahn were sitting together. The former looked pretty bored, just staring off into the distance boringly. But Jahyden appeared to be occupying himself by throwing an invisible ball back and forth. He was wearing some weird-ass sunglasses. "Um, Agent Jayden" Akechi asked, "What are you doing?". "What?" Normahn asked, taking off sunglasses and looking around confused. "Oh, Ah'm using the ARI, the _Ahdded Realhity Intaface_ " he explained, pointing to his sunglasses. "It's this Virtuhual Reahality Devhice that allows me to fihnd and analyze evidehnce quickly" Akechi looked interested, "It's ahlso got some games". "May I try it out?" Akechi asked, "Oh, uhhh, yeahh sure" Normahn replied, handing him the glasses.

Putting on the ARI, Akechi was pretty astounded. "My, this is impressive!" he said happily, taking in all the enhanced features. Little markers pointed out foot-prints, pollen samples, and much more. For example, Akechi could tell just by looking at Mike that he reeked of booze, that Chad wasn't wearing deodorant, and that Toriel had some cheap perfume on. He could even see the cheeto dust on Peridorp's little fingers.

"What other functions are there?" he asked "There's a little list just, uh, scroll through" Normahn replied. Akechi began scrolling through. There was Pong, a shooting range simulator, that ball game he was playing (which had a high score of 8,291), and one titled " _ **ガールフレンドシミュレータ**_ ". " _Gārufurendoshimyurēta_?" Akechi questioned skeptically in Japanese. A subtitle appeared on screen, translating what he said **(GIRLFRIEND SIMULATOR)**. "Whats something like tha-" before he could finish Normahn yanked the ARI off his face. "Oh! Uh, t-t-that came with the ARI I-I-I never real-" unfortunately Normahn failed the quick-time prompt and dropped the ARI, breaking it. "Ah Shit!" he yelled, trying to gather the scraps up.

The camera cut to the Falcon side, where Zarya, asleep, fell ontop of Jerma, crushing him as he muffledly yelled, trying to escape. Meanwhile, George was running through the woods, screaming.

It then cut to the 36 hour mark. More people were asleep. On the Rat side, Goofy had passed out. The fact that he had multiple broken limbs probably didn't help. Mr T, who was reading some shitty book by Ghandi, had also fallen asleep, along with Dorothy, who was using a tree stump as pillow. Normahn, without his ARI, had quickly succumbed to sleep as well, but Akechi was still awake. This just left him and Sophia, who was currently jogging in place to stay awake.

The Falcons also only had 2 teammates left. Anything4views was laying on the ground in deep sleep, with Jay resting his head on the stump nearby. Sargon had fallen asleep browsing his own subreddit, which consisted of about 50 users, all of which were currently mass-flagging his hate videos. Toriel held out for a good while, but around the 30 hour mark she fell asleep, softly bleating as she slumbered. Even Peach, who had managed stay awake for a solid 34 hours finally fell asleep, her drool forming a small puddle to the side of her wheelchair. The only ones left were Jerma and Barron, the latter of which had just played Minecraft on his phone for the entire challenge. Fucking Millennials.

Just then Chris zoomed in in his fucking car, kicking dirt up on everyone, loudly honking. "MAN YOU GUYS FUCKING _SUCK_ " he yelled, doin some sick ass donuts. "I ONCE STAYED AWAKE FOR AN ENTIRE **WEEK** AND YOU CUNTS CAN'T EVEN MANAGE _2 DAYS_ ". The resulting commotion woke everybody up, except for Mike, who was still in an alcoholic coma. "THE LOSERS CAN GO BACK TO THE CABINS AND GET SOME SHUT EYE, REST OF YOU ARE STAYIN HERE" he yelled into a megaphone, which was yelling into another megaphone. As Mr T passed by Frank, he decided to wake him up, jostling him a lil bit. "Yo, Frank, come on man its time to get up" he said tiredly. "Wha?!" Frank said, waking up, surprised. "Wait, wh-where's George?" he asked, worried. The camera then cut back to the forest, where George was on top of a deer, maniacally stabbing it in a rage. It was already dead so this was just overkill. His eyes were wild as fuck. After stabbing its body 82 times, he cut its throat open and proceeded to smear blood all over his face, letting out a mighty war cry.

****Confession: Frank****

"I just hope George is okay" he said, sinister music playing in the background. "He doesn't seem like the kind of guy who could handle somethin like that."

 _The camera then cut back to George, who was biting chunks out the Deer's head, which was detached from the body._

Frank looked solemn, shaking his head. "This aint gonna end good".

****End Confession****

It cut back to Chris in his Mercedes, who was still yelling at the retreating contestants. "I MEAN I AT LEAST THOUGHT YOU GUYS WOULD MAKE IT TO _DAY 3_ ". "I HAD SO MUCH SHIT PLANNED" he pulled out a book, " I WAS GONNA READ THE DICTIONARY AND EVERYTHING, I EVEN-" he reached into the back seat, pulling out a purple sheep costume "I EVEN THIS GOT THIS FURSUIT FOR CHEF. HE WAS GONNA LIKE DANCE OR WHATEVER FOR YOU GUYS. THIS THING COST LIKE _300 DOLLARS_ ". Nobody paid attention his bizarre rant. "DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY VIEWERS WE WERE GONNA GET FOR DOING THAT?". They all just walked away. "IT WAS GONNA BE FUCKIN **RAD** ".

Anyway the next cut was to the 48 hour mark. It was now nighttime. Despite this, those left were still awake. Sophia's strategy of constant movement was working, but she was starting to tire out. Jerma was fast walking around the all the stumps to stay awake. Akechi, being a Japanese high school student, was used to staying up late, but it was taking its toll. Barron doing was just fine playing on his phone. He had like 5 portable chargers on him so his phone never ran out of battery. He just kept tappin away on Minecraft.

"Hey, *Pant* pretty boy *pant*" Sophia said, getting Akechi's attention. "Hmm?" he replied sleepily. "I don't know how much longer I'm gonna be able to hold out *pant*" she huffed, exhausted. "I understand how you feel, I may doze off myself any minute now" he replied, propping up his chin with his hands. Sophia pointed to the Falcon side, "Shorty over there looks like he could go for a few more hours" she said, pointing to Jerma. "But that damn kids been goin strong the whole time!" she said angrily, referring to Barron.

"Yes, it appears that as long as he has his phone, he can stay awake" Akechi replied, a look of pondering on his face. SuDDenly, he got an idea. Pulling out his phone, quickly went to the app store downloaded _Minecraft: Mobile Edition_. He didn't have much time; his battery was only at 10%. It took about a minute to download, putting him at 8%. Luckily, Barron had forgot to make it a private Minecraft server, so Akechi could easily join. Under the username "Boro Bakechi", Akechi proceeded to Grief Barron's world, which consisted of a scale replica of Trump Tower, a little city he made to go with it, and some pixel art of Goku.

Barron, who hadn't initially noticed him joining, soon discovered his once perfect world in ruins. His neutral face turned to panic as he realized his life's work was being destroyed. He tried to kill Akechi, but it was creative mode so he couldn't do it. Akechi simply continued to obliterate his world, the final straw being when he tossed Barron's entire Diamond supply into the lava that he filled Trump Tower with, his own phone dying shortly after. " _ **FUCK**_ " Barron screamed, _**slamming**_ his phone onto the ground, destroying it. He then proceeded to stomp off back toward the cabin area, "HEY CUNT IF YOU LEAVE THE CHALLENGE AREA YOU'RE DISQUALIFIED" Chris yelled at him. Barron simply ignored him.

****Confessional: Akechi****

Akechi looked pretty pleased with himself. "Looks like he should've stuck to Roblox" he said, laughing.

****End Confession****

"Good thinking Jakechi" Sophia said happily. "That's _A_ kec-" "Yeah Yeah whatever" she replied, a laugh track playing.

Anyway after Barron fucked off there was another cut, this time to the 53 hour mark. Although he was able to hold out pretty long, Akechi soon passed out, leaving only Jerma for the Falcons and Sophia for the Rats. Despite all odds, Jerma was still up, and was desperately breakdancing to stay awake. "Yeah! *huff* how do ya *huff* how da ya like these moves huh!" he said whilst frantically doing the "Six-Step". Truely, Jerma was a master of Endurance.

Sophia was starting to wear down even more. Her once proud jogs in place soon devolved into walks in place. Despite this, she was still awake, and it seemed like this shitty episode could go on forever.

Thankfully Chris appeared weilding an Fully-Automatic Tranquilizer gun. "ALRIGHT, CHALLENGE IS OVER" he exclaimed, holding his arms out wide "THIS HAS ALREADY GONE ON LONG ENOUGH. I DONT-" Sophia and Jerma looked confused "I DONT KNOW WHY THE FUCKIN PRODUCERS THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA IT WAS SO SHITTY". He seemed dissapointed. "I'M JUST GONNA PUT ON THIS FUCKIN BLINDFOLD AND FIRE THIS TRANQULIZER GUN, WHOEVER GOES DOWN FIRST LOSES, OKAY?" "Whoah WHoah WhOAh wait!" Jerma said, holding his hand up. " **ALIRGHT LETS GO** " without further warning Chris pulled down his blindfold and began firing rApIDly in their general direction. "aGH" Sophia yelled in terror, ducking behind a log. " _SHIT_ " Jerma yelled also, running to get behind a tree.

Unfortunatley, Chris managed to get a dart in Jerma's arm. "BAGH, _FUcK_!" he exclaimed, taking cover behind the tree. "WHAT HAPPENED DID I HIT SOMEONE?" Chris asked as Jerma painfully pulled the tranquilizer dart out. "Oh God, this is just like that time that caretaker went postal at Shady Pines!" Sophia said to herself, the live studio audience fucking losing it. "ALRIGHT ROUND TWO" Chris yelled out after reloading. Unfortunately, Sophia, who was peeking out from behind the log, was caught in the crossfire, a few darts getting stuck in her hand. "AGH!" she yelled out in pain. She tried to pull them out, but couldn't get a good grip. "Gah! I knew shouldn'tve used that Vaseline hand moisturizer!" she said, another fucking laugh track playing.

The next minute went by tensely. Chris was still blindly firing, and although neither of the two got hit again, they were both starting to feel the effects of the tranquilizer darts, with Jerma sweating sickly and Sophia on the verge of passing out. Eventually, Sophia couldn't handle the dose and passed out. " _I'm comin for ya Sal_!" she said, falling to the ground. "Hheyy shhhees outta thee gamme!" Jerma slurred, pointing to her comatose body. "AY" Chris yelled happily, taking off his blindfold. He grabbed Jerma's arm and held it high "LADIES AND THE GENTLEMEN, THE WINNER OF THE AWAKE-A-TH-".

Before Chris could finish he heard **deranged** **screaming** coming from the woods. JuST THen George burst through chasing a squirrel. His clothes looked ragged and torn, and he appeared to be wearing a Deer Skull as a helmet. He was covered in blood and dirt, his eyes wide and insane. As the squirrel escaped into the tree, George attempted to follow him up, desperately stabbing at the little tree hole with his bone dagger and letting out gargled noises.

Looking down at Jerma, who was now unconsious, Chris promptly dropped his ass like a sack of potatoes and went over to grab George. "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE **_REAL_** WINNER OF THE AWAKE-A-THON!" he exlclaimed happily, triumphant music playing as he held George's arm up. Jerma, who had hit his head on a rock after Chris dropped him, promptly woke up. "Wait what?!" he asked, confused and exasperated. "GEORGE STAYED AWAKE FOR THE LONGEST, HE WON THE AWAKE-A-THON" Jerma was dumbstruck "Wha- Motherfucker you said if anyone left the challenge they'd lose!" "I NEVER SAID THE FOREST _WASN'T_ APART OF THE CHALLENGE AREA" Chris replied smugly.

"Hold on, HOld the FUCK O-" before jerma could continue Chris shot him with taser incapaciting him. As Jerma riled around on the ground, Chris continued to congratulate George. "WAY TO GO GEORGE, YOU JUST WON THE RATS IMMUNITY BABY" he said, patting him on the back. George just looked confused, blankly staring down at his blood-soaked hands.

****Confession: George****

"...What the hell just happened?"

****End Confession****

 _Meanwhile back in the falcon cabin_

"I cannot fucking believe this. You left cuz of fucking Minecraft?!" Chad yelled angrily. A lot of the Falcons were pretty pissed at Barron for just leaving the contest. He wasn't even that tired. "I mean _seriously!_ " Barron just ignored him and continued to tap away on his phone. He had more than one after all. Meanwhile, Peridorp was continuing to annoy Sargon. "Heh *snort* look Sargon!" she said, pointing to her phone "Even _Jim Sterling_ made a video about you! *snort* And he's one of the biggest Cucks on Youtube! *Snort* HEh! *snort*". "THATS IT" he yelled, finally at his breaking point. He pulled her off the top bunk and threw her to the ground. "OOF!" she yelld. Sargon prepared to punch her stupid little face in but she bit his ankle causing him to recoil in pain. "YOU LITTL-".

"Christ, for FUCK'S Sake can you two shut up!" Chad yelled. "Nobody gives a Rat's Ass about ya stupid Youtube Bullshit! In case you haven't noticed we just lost the challenge, and we coulda won it if this little shit hadn't-" Chad then noticed Barron, who was still on his phone, was giving him the middle finger. "YOU WANNA FUCKIN GO KID" he yelled, tackling him off the bed. The resulting struggle intensified the chaos in the Boy's dorm. Peridorp and Sargon began fighting again whilst Mario and Jay tried to hold Chad back, who was currently beating the shit out of Barron. Mike just sat there drinking a beer.

As Akech passed by, he couldn't help but smile at his handiwork.

****Confession: Akechi****

"It appears the Flaming Falcons are much more fragile than they first let on" he said, straightening out his tie. "I must admit, I was initally worried when they won the first challenge, but now-". Akechi Chuckled. "Now I see that these fears were unfounded".

****End Confession****

It then cut to the bonfire ceremony.

"FALCONS, I MUST SAY" Chris began "I AM EXTREMELY DISSAPOINTED". Everyone looked pretty dismayed. "SOME OF YOU CUNTS COULDN'T EVEN MAKE IT A _WHOLE DAY_ " he said, looking at Mario and Zarya. "OTHERS DIDN'T EVEN _TRY_ " he said, looking at Peridot and Mike. "AND ONE OF YOU JUST _LEFT_ " the camera panned over to Barron, who was still looking down at his phone.

"AND NOW, ONE OF YOU WILL BE LEAVING _PERMENANTLY_ " he held up his plate. "ELEVEN OF YOU, ONLY TEN OF THESE; _LETS FUCKIN DO THIS_ ".

"FIRST UP, JERMA". Jerma got up, tiredly recieveing his marshmallow.

"THEN WE GOT TORIEL, FOLLOWED BY CHAD AND ZARYA". All three got up and recieved their marshmallows.

"THE PARAPLEGIC COUPLE". Mario and Peach recieved their marshmallows.

"AND THEN FINALLY, MIKE, JAY, AND SARGON. YOU ALL ARE SAFE". Mike was indifferent, as he was still drunk.

Barron and Peridorp were the only two left. "YOU TWO BOTH REALLY LET DOWN YOUR TEAM TODAY". Chris held up the last Marshmallow. "ONE OF YOU GETS TO STAY, AND THE OTHER HAS TO LEAVE AND NEVER, _ **EVER**_ , COME BACK". Peridorp eyed the marshmallow nervously. Barron was still on his phone.

"THE FINAL MARSHMALLOW GOES TO..."

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"PERIDORP"

"Oh yeah!" she yelled happily, snatching the little sugar-gelatin treat from Chris's hands and gobbling it down. "WELL BARRON, LOOKS LIKE IT'S TIME TO LEAVE".

Barron wasn't paying attention. "YO, BARRON" Chris yelled. Barron looked up "Huh?" "YA LOST DUDE, GET OUTTA HERE". "What?!" he responded, shocked. "What do you mean I lost, what the hell happened?" "THEY VOTED YOU OFF DIPSHIT" Chris replied. "What? They can't fucking do that! Do you know who my dad is?!". Chris did a lil snap and two armed thugs showed up and dragged him away toward the dock of shame.

****Confession: Anything4views****

"Good fuckin Riddance".

****End Confession****

****Confession: Toriel****

"Sorry Barron" she said apoligetically. :(

****End Confession****

Barron was still raving as he being dragged toward the boat. "Just you wait til I tell my dad about this, your ass is dead! You hear me?! DEAD!". It didn't exactly sound intimidating coming from a 12 year old.

As the two thugs put a bag over his head and sped off, Chris congratulated the other campers. "RIGHTY THEN, WELL, I THINK ALL OF YOU HAVE EARNED A NICE LONG SLEEP EH?". Everyone was to tired to respond. "ALRIGHT WHATEVER GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE".

The camera then cut to the Rat cabin, where Frank was sitting outside with George, barbecuing his steaks on a tiny grill. "Well Georgie, I gotta say: You really pulled through for us today" he said, cracking open a can of canned champagne. "You want one?" he said, offering a can to his companion. "No thanks" George said, still traumatized from what had transpired.

"I like your, uh, deer hat by the way. Looks metal" he said, refering to George's Deer Skull helmet. George took the his creation off and gazed at it. He couldn't even remember making it. "Thanks" he replied quietly.

"Oooh, Oh yeah, Yeah that looks good" Frank said, taking his steaks off his portable Gary-Coleman-Brand Grill, putting them on their paperplates.

"If today's taught us anything, it's that the two of us make a great team". He started cutting his steak. George just stared at his. "Just follow my lead, and you and I could go anywhere!" Frank lifted up his can of champagne "To Friendship!" he excalimed "to friendship" George said, much less enthusiatically. Taking a bite out of his steak, Frank quickly recoiled, "UGH", "This shit's gone bad" he said, his mouth still full of the bad steak. "Sorry George" he said, picking up both their steaks and throwing them in the garbage and spitting his steak out "Fucking Trash". George was unfazed, still blankly staring down at the table.

Then the episode ended.

 **AN: hey guys whats up its ya boi Clodd Howard here hope you enjoyed this fucnky fresh motherfucking chapter i worked real hard on it. Make sure to leave some goddamn reviews pls thanks :) :) :) :)**


	4. motherfukkin dodgeball

" _ **LAHST TIME ON TOTALHL DRAMHA ISLAND**_ " Chris slurred, stumbling on the dock.

*Clips from the last episode are shown*

" _THE TWO TEAMS OUTRAN SOME RABID DOGS IN A SHITTY RACE"._

*The contestants are shown fleeing from the dogs*

" _AFTERWARDS, WE MADE THEM COMPETE IN THE GODAWFUL AWAKE-A-THON_ "

*They are shown sitting on the tree stumps, eventually falling over in sleep*

" _WHERE MOST DIDN'T EVEN LAST TWO DAYS_ ".

*Akechi is shown on his phone, and Barron is shown freaking out and storming off*

" _THROUGH SOME DEVIOUS SCHEMING, AKECHI WAS ABLE TO KNOCK OUT ONE OF THE FALCONS' BEST PLAYERS_ "

*The fight in the Falcon Cabin is shown*

" _LEAVING THEM IN CHAOS_ ".

*George is shown emerging from the woods*

" _AND AFTER SOME OTHER SHIT, THE RATS WON, AND BARRON'S RICH ASS WAS VOTED OFF_ "

*Barron is shown being dragged down the dock, kicking and screaming*

" _EAT YOUR HEART OUT CNN_ ".

*The camera cuts back to Chris*

"WILL THE RATS BE ABLE TO CAPITALIZE ON THEIR WIN? WILL THE FALCONS RESURGE IN A FLAME OF GLORY? _WILL WE FINALLY GET A DECENT CONTEST_?" Chris pointed some finger guns at the camera. "FIND THE **FUCK** OUT. **RIGHT HERE**. ON TOTAL. _DRAMA_. **_ISLAND!_** ".

*Opening credits*

Dear mom and dad, I'm doing fine  
You guys are on my mind  
You asked me what I wanted to be  
And now I think the answer is plain to see  
I want to be famous

I want to live close to the sun  
Well, pack your FAGS cause I've already won.  
Everything to prove nothing in my way  
I'll get there one day

Cause I want to be famous

Nanana'nanaana nana nana na na na na na naa  
I wanna be, I wanna be; I wanna be famous  
I wanna be, I wanna be; I wanna be famous

[Whistle's to theme]

*It ends*

The camera cut to the mess hall, where some contestants were lined up to eat breakfast. Today's meal: Bacon.

Chef had just put some on Anything4viewz's tray. "Oi, Cunt!" he said, angrily. "This shits not even cooked!" he said, holding a up a very cold, very raw piece of bacon. "Did you literally just take this shit outta tha freezer?". "Fuck off" Chef replied, annoyed. Chad just scoffed and walked off back toward the Falcon table. Toriel was next in line.

"Um, uh, e-excuse me Chef" she said timidly. "M-My teeth aren't really accustomed to chewing meat, a-and my stomach can't digest it that well either, so, um" she said, referring to her various herbivorous features. She is a goat, after all. "Do you have like a, like a salad or vegetable option that I ca-" " ** _No_** " he replied. "O-Oh, um, okay. D-Do yo-" " _ **All we have is meat**_ " he said, leaning over the counter _very seriously_. " ** _Either you eat it, or you starve, Got it?_** " he said intimidatingly. "o-okay" Toriel responded, meekly taking her tray and leaving. Next up was Peridorp.

"Gimme the bacon bitch!" she yelled excitedly, her lil arms grubbily grabbing over the counter.

The camera then panned over to everyone else.

At the Rat table, everyone was busy eating their bacon and talking, though a few members were missing.

"How's yours, Ma? Is it good?" Dorothy asked. "Are you kidding?" she said, spitting out a piece of the bacon "I've eaten hockey pucks softer than this". She then held up a piece of bacon that was extremely burnt. "Look at this! This thing's blacker than one of Charles II's Kiwis!" she said, the laugh track going apeshit. "Oh Ma, you're right, these are burnt! Tell ya what, how bout I take this back and get ya a new one, huh?" Dorothy replied, picking up her plate. "Thanks pussycat." "No problem Ma" she said, taking her plate back toward the counter. "Oh, and Dorothy" "Yes?" "Can you bring me back some Orange Juice while you're up too?" "Sure". Sophia amplified her voice as Dorothy went out of frame "And none of that Sunny D crap, ok?". She returned to her normal volume "' _The stuff that kids go for', PFFT, please_ ".

Goofy had mostly recovered from his injuries, and was currently sitting with Frank and Remy, the latter of which was currently trying to improve his meal with some of the former's spices. "Hey, Hey!" Frank said, grabbing the paprika from Remy "This shit ain't cheap, alright? When I said you could use some I didn't mean the whole fuckin bottle!". Remy looked annoyed.

****Confession: Frank****

"I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do with these spices" he proclaimed, holding several bottles of various spices in his hands and around his arms. "I mean I got all types of shit here". He started presenting them. "I got, uh, Paprika, Nutmeg, some Garlic Powder, a little Oregan-" Frank realized what the Green herbs he was holding actually were. "Oh, uh, this aint, this aint Oregano, its my, uh" Frank began trying to hide the little baggy. "You're, uh, not supposed to see thi-"

****End Confession****

Anyway, while things were for the most part amicable at the Rat table, the Falcon Table wasn't doing too good.

Sargon was hunched over at his seat on his phone, not even paying attention to his food. Apparently his mass-flagging campaign of his hate videos was spectacularly backfiring. Not only had the videos _not_ disappeared, but there was now even more of them; this time about the campaign itself. "I mean, comh ohn now! Its like this bloke's neveh even hearhd of tha Streisand Effect beforh!" GradeUnderA could be heard saying, a poorly made doodle accompanying him. The shitshow was massive. It hadn't taken long for youtubers to piece together Sargon's involvement in the affair. A leaked Reddit chatlog was all it took for his subscriber count to plummet. Along with his Patrion proceedings. He just sat there, browsing the videos and angrily exhaling.

"*Snort* Heh, hey! *snort* hey Sargon!" Peridorp said, poking him on the cheek with her bacon. "Whot? What is it?" he said, annoyed. Peridorp was struggling to hold back her laughter. "Ch-Check this out! *snort*" she said, holding up her phone. On it was a ranking list of all the contestants. "Some *snort* guy did a poll on who people think will win" she explained, scrolling through. "*Snort* *Snort*, and guess what?" she said, chuckling. "You're **_DEAD LAST_** " Peridorp then burst into a fit of laughter, rolling around on the ground. "What?!" Sargon replied, shocked.

Sargon yanked the phone from her lil hands. The list ranked contestants from top to bottom. Users could vote for who they thought would win Total Drama, with those receiving the most votes at the top. And, just as Peridorp said, those with the least votes were at the bottom, with Sargon being among them.

****Confession: Sargon****

"This is such shit!" he said, angrilly presenting the list to the camera. "I-I mean look at this!" he started scrolling. "This fuckign prick divided us into 4 tiers, right?. Get a load of this. Top tier: 1st place: _Jerma_ " he said, pointing to Jerma's spot, which had about 7000 votes. " **Are you fucking kidding me?** ".

****Cut to Mess Hall****

The camera cut to Jerma, who was currently doing a hand stand. "Ya see this?" he said, showing off to everyone else. He had been doing a hand stand for a solid 12 minutes. "Endurance, that's what this. Alright? Endurance". Peridorp smugly chuckled, "I guess it's harder for the blood to rush to your head when your so short! *snort*". A few other contestants laughed. Jerma was offended. "Hey! I-I'm not short, Alright?! I'm _Compact_! You see these?", he said motioning to his arms "These are _compact_ muscles!". He handwalked over to her. "I don't see yo-" he then lost balance and fell, causing more laughter.

****Cut back to Sargon****

"And then, fuckin, 3rd place: _Chad_. *Scoff* Are you for real? That fat bastard?! He's 3rd place?".

****Cut to Mess Hall****

Anything4viewz was talking to Toriel. "Ya gonna eat that?" he said, pointing to her bacon, which was actually somewhat cooked. "Oh, um, n-no you can have it" she replied, passing her plate over. "Thanks" he said, taking a bite out of hers. "UGh" he spit it out. "Fuckin Turkey Bacon? Seriously?!" he threw the plate down, startling Toriel. "That's fuckin it!" he said, getting up and marching toward the counter, where Dorothy and Chef could be heard arguing. Toriel just looked down dismayedly, her stomach rumbling.

****Cut back to Sargon****

"This is probably the worst fuckin part" he said. He was now at the bottom the list: The "Shit Tier". "So I'm numba 20 right?" he said, pointing to his spot, which had about 12 votes. "Guess whos right fuckin above me". He scrolled up for dramatic effect. "FUCKIN **PEACH:** _**THE CRIPPLE!**_ ".

****Cut to Mess Hall****

Peach was currently being spoon fed some bacon that Mario had pre-chewed. "Open up-a!" he said, shoving it into her mouth. All Peach could do was garble. Suddenly, she spit it the Bacon chunks all over Mario's face. "Peach-a!" Mario said, frustrated " _i don want bacon_ " she said, a lil bit of the bacon bits sliding down her chin " _i wan som cheese bizza_ ". She weakly lifted her arm and pointed to the Counter " _go get me som_ ". "Sweety there is no-a pizza!" Mario replied " _then go tell the guy to make som_ " she replied, pointing to Chef. Chef was currently threatening to slit Dorothy's throat. "I don't think that's-a such a good idea-a" Mario replied, somewhat scared.

*****Cut back to Sargon****

" _ **117 VOTES!**_ " he yelled, angrily slamming his phone on the ground. " _ **UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE!**_ "

****End Confession****

Sargon stared down at the phone in shock. "T-T-This doesn't mean anything!" he exclaimed, desperately trying to damage control. "P-People are just fucking meming cuz of all the youtube shit!". "*Snort* I-If, If" Peridorp couldn't stop laughing "If it doesn't matter *snort* _then why are you so angry?!_ " She then began laughing her fucking lungs out again, rolling around on the floor like the lil gremlin she is. "These are just opinions! They don't actually..." as Sargon attempted to defend himself, the camera panned over to the kitchen counter, where Dorothy, Chef, and Anything4views were currently arguing.

"You need help, _professional help!_ " Dorothy yelled, angrily pointing at him and returning to the Rat table. I guess threatening to slit her throat kinda pissed her off. "You can't even fuckin cook, can you?! Ya just some beefy cunt they got to keep us fed!" Chad yelled, holding up his raw bacon. Chef just angrily stared at him with his cold, dark eyes.

 _A younger Chef in military fatigues is shown. He appears to be in a dark, earthy pit of some sort, and is sitting in the fetal position. He is softly shaking. Suddenly, light shines in from above, startling him. Shadowy figures can heard conversing in Vietnamese. "Please, **Please** " Chef wimpers. "I'm so hungry, please just give me some food!" he sobs. "You want food?" a Vietnamese voice is heard saying. Suddenly, something large is dropped into the pit. It's an American soldier's corpse. Chef is horrified. "no... no please... Please N-" "YOU EAT!" the Viet Cong soldier replies angrily. "YOU SAID YOU HUNGRY, YES? **YOU EAT! YOU EAT OR YOU STARVE!** ". Darkness soon returns, the Viet Cong soldier angrily slamming the cover to the pit back on. Chef begins crying._

Chef snaps back to reality. " _You want your food cooked, huh?_ " he says, soullessly eying Anything4viewz. "*Scoff* It'd be _nice!_ " Chad replies, sassily. Chef's expression was unchanged. " ** _Oh I'll cook your food alright_** " Chef then rapidly turned on the stove, yanking Chad by the hair and **_slamming_** his face onto it. " ** _AAAGGHHHHHH!_** " Chad's screams were the only things that could be heard in the mess hall, as everyone else was too shocked to say anything. " _This cooked enough for ya,_ **_Pig-Boy!_** " Chef yelled, angrily burning his face.

" _Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee're **BACK**_ " Mike announced, bursting through the door, six pack in hand. Mike's entrance's startled Chef, allowing Chad to break free. "Fucking Psycho!" he yelled, returning to the Falcon Table. Jay followed soon after, along with George. "Ey! There he is!" Frank said, happily extending his arms out "Theres our winner!". Everyone at Rat table clapped at their champion's entrance, with George awkwardly smiling and taking his seat.

****Confesssion: George****

George was reclining back in outhouse, looking pretty pleased with himself. "Ya know, I've always felt underappreciated" he said, biting a piece of bacon, a laugh track playing. "And while, uh, the fanfare is a _bit_ much" he said, obviously downplaying how much he enjoyed it "I gotta say, it is pretty nice to finally get recognized. I mean sure, I can hardly remember any of last night but, uh *crunch*" George shrugged " _Summer of George_ ".

****End Confession****

"Hey!" Frank yelled, getting the attention of the Falcons, "How does it feel knowin a **kid** sunk ya whole team!". Zarya did not take kindly to his gloating. "YOU ONLY WON BECAUSE MIDDLE AGE MAN WENT _PSIKH!_ " she yelled, accusingly pointing at George. George just shrugged.

While the two teams continued to argue, the camera cut to Toriel, who looked fucking miserable. Her stomach was rumbling pretty loud now, and she seemed pretty embarrassed about it. She hadn't eaten in about 4 days. All the sweets she packed got gobbled up in the first 2 days, and the last thing she ate was that shitty soup from the Awake-A-Thon , so she was pretty hungry. Toriel eyed the door. She knew what she had to do.

Standing up, she navigates toward it, dodging various thrown plates and other items. The argument from before had rapidly devolved into a shitty food fight. "Pardon me, I just need, uh-" she ducks as a plate shatters on the wall behind her. Apparently, Goofy hadn't taken too kindly to Chad calling him a "Retarded Cartoon Character". "Just need to, uh, get some fresh air! heh.." she said, nervously squeezing past Peach's wheelchair.

Finally, the door! She was so close! Just a few more steps and she'd- "Good morning everyone!" Akechi announced, accidently _slamming_ the door into Toriel's snout. " _ **Agh!**_ " she yelped, falling to floor. Akechi was totally oblivious "Sorry I missed breakfast, thought I'd catch up on some reading!" he said, enthusiastically holding up some Japanese book. Nobody was really paying attention, as they were all still fighting. Akechi just shrugged it off.

"Ow..." Toriel whined, holding her snout. "Oh, goodness!" Akechi said, noticing her on the ground "Are you alright?". Akechi offered his hand to help her up, but she refused, quickly rising to her feet. "Yes Yes I'm fine! heh.." she replied, covering her snout. "Are you sure? You like you're bleedi-" " _ **I'm Fine!**_ ", she responded, hiding her _**intense nosebleed** _and shoving past him outside, trailing blood. _"Well that was odd"_ he thought to himself _._ Again, he just shrugged it off.

Ignoring the fight, Akechi took his seat next Normahn, who had just been playing with the ARI the whole time. "Good morning Agent Jayden" he said, putting his stuff on the table. "Huh?" Norman said, taking off ARI "Oh hey Goro" he said, pinching the bridge of his nose tiredly. "I see you repaired the ARI" Akechi said, pointing to it. "Oh yeah, I managed to, uh, fix it with some schotch tape" Norman replied, holding it up. It looked like a piece of shit, but it was still functional apparently. Meanwhile, in the background, Zarya was holding Goofy down by the throat, nearly crushing his wind pipe whilst Dorothy desperately tried to pull peridorp off her back.

"What's with the umbrellah?" Norman asked. Akechi had an umbrella, for some fuckin reason. "Oh, well I thought the weather might be bad so I-" jUSt then a fucking **THUNDERBOLT** shot down from the sky outside, startling everyone. Even Mr T, who had fallen asleep meditating in the corner. The door opened, revealing the silhouette of man. It was Chris, and he looked disheveled as fuck.

" _HeY hEY HEY PaRty PEeoPpLEEEEEEE_ " he slurred, stumbling in. I guess he had finally crashed off his drug high.

After stumbling around a bit, he finally collapsed on the Falcon table, vomiting all over it. Mike and Jay are seen cringing in disgust before taking sips from their beers.

"God-Fucking-Damnit" Chef mumbles, walking over to the comatose host. After pulling Chris's head back, Chef pulls out a small vial of white powder and sHOvES it right into his nose. Chris's eyes shoot open and he suddenly jumps upright, good as new, kinda like when Popeye eats some spinach, but instead of spinach it's coke.

" **CAMPERS** " he yells enthusiastically " **HOWS IT GOIN** ". The room was a fucking mess from the fight earlier, but Chris was either too coked up to realize it or he just didn't give a fuck. " **YOU GUYS READY FOR TODAY'S CHALLENGE?!** " HE PRACTICALLY SCREAMED. "Finally, I thought the challenge was who could survive eatin that bacon!" Sophia said, a laugh track playing. I don't know why though cuz that joke was fucking terrible.

" **MEET ME AT THE THUNDEROME BITCHES** " he yelled, zooming out the door like Sonic.

The camera cut to the outside. Like Akechi had predicted, the weather was fucking terrible. Not only was it fucking pouring rain, but it was so dark outside that, despite being only 9 AM, it looked like night. Nobody seemed excited to follow him out. "Good thing I brought my umbrella!" Akechi said, smiling. Everyone else just glared at him.

Jerma was the first to leave, zooming out much like Chris did. Unfortunately, he slipped soon after exiting, face-planting in the mud. He was soon trampled by several other contestants, all desperate to get out of the rain.

"Would you like to accompany me?" Akechi asked, extending his umbrella out pointedly. Normahn thought it over for a moment. He flashed back to all the wacky shit he did in Heavy Rain, like getting hit by a car whilst chasing a guy, or fighting the OriGAHmi Killa. "No... No I think Ah'll be fine" he said, stoically walking out into the rain whilst dramatic music from the Heavy Rain OST played. "...Alright" Akechi said, somewhat weirded out.

Stepping out into the rain, Akechi intended to join the others, who were all currently trying to shield themselves from the downpour. However, something caught his eye. There was a light pole, which was shining down a little circle of light on the ground; it was very cinematic. On the edge of this circle, there appeared to a figure hunched over into the darkness. Stepping Closer, Akechi realized who it was.

"Miss Dreemur?" he asked. The figure turned around, revealing themselves. It was Toriel, and her mouth was full of grass. "Are you... _Grazing_?" he asked, perplexed. Toriel just knelt there, eyes wide like a deer in a headlight. Well, more accurately, like a _**goat**_ caught in a headlight.

****Confession: Toriel****

" _Oh Gosh!_ " she let out holding her face in her hands, " _This is so embarrassing!_ ". She looked up again. "I-I always did this back home whenever I ran out of food, but I-I never thought anyone would actually find out!". She then let out a groan in frustration, putting her head back in her hands.

****End Confession****

The two stared at one another awkwardly, the rain pouring down on the both of them. Toriel swallowed the grass and then broke the silence "A-A-Akechi! H-Hey!" she said nervously "Th-This isn't what it looks! heh... I-I was just, uh, I was- I was, um, I was jus-" "You were just _hungry_ , right?" Akechi finished, having deduced the situation. Toriel bowed her head, ashamed, and nodded, rain pouring down on her.

Akechi let out a lil cough, and then responded, "Well, uh, heh, that's, uh, that's nothing to be ashamed of!" he said, trying to brighten the mood. "We all... get our food from... different places! Heheh! eh..." he said again. It wasn't really working. The rain continued to pour on Toriel whilst Akechi stayed dry under his umbrella. Akechi looked over to everyone else. Everyone had already made it to the "Thunderdome", which was brightly lit. Everyone except Jerma, who was comically trying, and failing, to pick himself up out of the mud.

Another thunderbolt reigned down, illuminating the pair. "Uh, Miss Dreemur? We really should get going..." he said anxiously. "I guess..." she said dismayedly, moving to stand up. "Need some help?" Akechi said, offering his hand. Toriel hesitated, but ultimately accepted his help, rising to her feet. "Would you like to share my umbrella as well?" he offered. "Oh, uh, n-no, t-that's fi-" "No really, I'd hate to see you get more wet" he insisted. She was pretty soaked. Reluctantly, she stepped under Akechi's umbrella, quietly saying "Thank you". The pair then set off together to join the others, her head down, and neither saying a word.

As they passed by Jerma, he reached out for one of them to help him. They were both totally oblivious, and just walked passed him, the compact streamer falling back into the mud.

*****Confession: Akechi****

"Miss Dreemur is certainly an... odd woman" he said, looking somewhat uneasy. "But she seems... nice I guess". He shifted in his seat "Certainly nicer than some of the other contestants".

****End Confession****

Anyway after all that bullshit, everybody met with Chris inside the "Thunderdome". "THIS" Chris held out his arms "IS THE THUNDERDOME". It was more like a giant cubical glass arena with a dome roof, but whatever. At least it shielded them from the rain. Everyone filed their way into the brightly lit arena. The production staff had put out a few towels, and lil matt where the contestants could wipe the mud off their feet. It didn't really help, but it was nice to have I guess.

No one noticed Akechi and Toriel's arrival. As soon they entered, the latter quickly left her companion to join her team, leaving him standing alone. Well, alone at least until Jerma stumbled in behind him, collapsing onto the floor, out of breath and covered in mud. As Akechi stepped aside away from him (he didn't want to get his pants dirty after all) Chris explained what the fuck they were doing there.

"YOU DICKBAGS ARE ABOUT TO PLAY SOME MOTHERFUKKIN DODGEBALL" he said, pointing to the dirty, wet campers. "NOW I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN HOW FUCKING ** _DODGEBALL_ **WORKS" he said, holding one up "BUT IN CASE YOU GUYS ARE TOO _RETARDED_ TO REMEMBER, HERE HOW IT GOES"

Chris then began demonstrating various moves. "IF YOU GET HIT, YOU'RE OUT" he then threw a ball at Peach, hitting her on the head. "IF YOU CATCH ONE'A THESE" he started spinning one on his finger "THE DUMBASS WHO THREW IT GETS OUT, AND YOU CAN BRING IN ONE OF YOUR OWN TEAMMATES". Peach didn't seem to notice her injury. "THERES SOME OTHER SHIT BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER" Chris said, stopping his spinning and holding the ball up.

"FIVE FROM EACH TEAM WILL START OFF EVERY ROUND, AND THE FIRST TEAM TO 3 WINS, WINS THE CHALLENGE, GOT IT?". " _wat_ " Peach Garbled. With all that bullshit out of the way, Chris slammed his ball on the ground, yelling " _ **ALRIGHT LETS GO**_ ".

****Confession: Anything4viewz****

Chad looked unimpressed. "Seriously? Dodgeball?" he just laughed "I mean come on now, w-what are we, fuckin, middle schoolers?" he laughed again.

****End Confession****

****Confession: George****

"Dodgeball?" he said, a little panicked. "W-W-Why dodgeball? C-Couldn't we have played something else l-like Tetherball, o-o-or Basketball or somethin?!" his panic was much more apparent now " _Why did it have to be dodgeball?!_ ".

****End Confession****

"Come on George!" Frank said, patting his friend on the back and moving onto the court. George reluctantly followed behind him, looking nervous. The camera panned over to Miss Frizzle, who looked giddy. "Why this is perfect!", she said excitedly. Coincidentally today she decided to wear her Dodgeball dress, which had little pictures of dodgeballs on it, along with two lil dodgeball earrings. How convenient.

Chad was busy figuring out who would go out for the Falcons "Olright, so, I'll go in first, along with Zarya and-" "I'll go" Sargon interjected. Chad looked at him, somewhat surprised. "Really, ya sure?" Chad asked. Sargon hesitated, but then said "Yeah, I'm sure". "Alright" Chad replied.

****Confession: Sargon****

"I can't be 20th" he said, referring to the ranking from earlier. "I gotta show these fucks that I'm not playin around, right? _That I'm in this to fuckin win it!_ " he declared.

****End Confession****

"And then, uh," Chad looked around. "Where's Jerma?" he asked.

The camera panned over to Jerma, who was still lying on the floor, covered in mud.

"Ah shit" Chad groaned. "Anyone wanna take his place?" he asked his team, who had filed into the bleachers. "I'll do it" Jay said, abandoning his beer and Mike (who was still drinking). "*Snort* hey! Heh, I'll go too!" Peridorp exclaimed as well, smugly eying Sargon. "Alirght, lets fuckin do this!" Chad yelled encouragingly.

 **Round One:**

For the Rats, there was Frank, George, Miss Frizzle, Goofy, and Normahn. They were on the right.

For the Falcons, there was Chad, Sargon, Zarya, Jay, and Peridorp. They were on the left.

The two teams each had 3 balls on their side.

They are both shown warming up, with Zarya cracking her knuckles and Normahn doin a lil jog in place.

Chef _**LOUDLY**_ blows the whistle and the match begins, with both groups being cheered for by their respective teams.

George is the first to pick up a ball, awkwardly smiling and waving to those on the bleachers. Nervously staring down the other team, who were all anticipating his throw, he summoned all his might and threw the ball. The Falcons easily dodged the throw. The ball ricocheted off the wall behind them, comically hitting George square in the face, the laugh track going fucking insane. Chef blows his whistle.

The camera cut to Sophia in the bleachers " _Oh God..._ " she groaned, another laugh track playing. "Is he out?" Jay is seen asking. "HUH?" Chris turns around; there's still a bit of coke under his nose. "OH, _UH..._ " Chris pulls out a lil dodgeball rules book and skims through. "YEAH SURE WHATEVER" he then tosses the book across the arena, nearly hitting Dorothy in the face. Chef blows his whistle again and George gets up, nervously laughing "Heh, S-Sorry about that..." and taking his seat. A lil counter appeared on screen, Dinging the Rats down to 4 players. **5-4**.

Anything4viewz laughed " _Ey! Nice throw ya fuckin imbecil!_ " he mocked. Suddenly, a ball _slammed_ into the side of his face, stunning him. His mocking had left him wide open, and Miss Frizzle had taken advantage, smugly smiling. One blow of the whistle later, Chad had taken his seat on the bleachers, angrily throwing his ball back as he went. *Ding* **4-4**.

Zarya got an aggressive look in her eyes. Picking up two dodgeballs, she hurled them toward the rats. Normahn was her target. Surprised by her onslaught, he quickly moved to dodge. He managed to narrowly avoid the first two balls by landing the quick time events. Unfortunately, when Zarya threw her third ball, he pressed triangle instead of square and got hit in the stomach. " _OUGH_ " he hollered, clutching his abdomen. The whistle blew, and Normahn went back to the bleachers, nursing his wound. *Ding* **4-3**.

"H'YUCK, a-alright, no more H'yuckin around!" Goofy said, gathering the balls Zarya threw. Pinpointing his shots, he started his onslaught, the other Rats following suit.

"Oh shit!" Jay yelled, running to dodge the attack. He managed to duck under the first ball, but the second one hit him in the arm. "Ah crap" he moaned, returning to his seat. *Ding* **3-3**.

Sargon prepared to return fire, but Peridorp interrupted him. "*Snort* Hey Sargon!" she shouted, messing up his throw. "What?!" he asked, turning around. The camera then showed Goofy catching his ball, getting him out. Peridorp just chuckled "N-Nothin!". Sargon groaned as he returned to his seat, Goofy using the out to bring George back in. *Ding* **2-4**.

The Rats turned their attention toward her. Peridorp, like Normahn, managed to evade most the balls thrown her away. However, after the 3rd ball, she stopped to taunt Goofy, blowing her tongue at him. She was then hit, the ball propelling her backwards and slamming her against the wall. " _ **OoF!**_ " she yelled in pain. *Ding* **1-4**.

Zarya was the only one left, but she had all the balls. She glared at Goofy across the arena.

"Huh, Huh, H'YUCK, l-like to see you try ya b-b-b-big bitc-" before Goofy could finish, a ball fucking collided into his face, knocking out several teeth. Goofy laid on the floor unconscious. Zarya then began rapid firing dodgeballs. *Ding* **1-3**.

Frank was the next to go, getting knocked down by a ball, followed by George and Miss Frizzle, the former of which had used for cover, much to the enjoyment of the live studio audience. *Ding* *Ding* *Ding*. **1-0**.

****Confession: Zarya****

Zarya is shown flexing one arm. "Little rats are no match for _Bitseps_ " she says, kissing one of her biceps.

****End Confession****

Chef blew his whistle. Round 1 was over.

"LOOKS LIKE THIS WIN GOES TO FALCONS!" Chris screamed.

Cheering erupted from the Falcon side, whilst the Rats looked on, mouths agape, at their champions writhing on the floor.

 ***Commercial break***

 **AN: hey GUYS I deceided to split this chapper in half cuz it was 2 long. the actual episode is not 2 parts just the fanfic it's just a commercial break its not a 2 part eppisdoe kay thanks anyway ur gonna haf to read the other one to get the full episode sorry it was jjust 2 long :(**


	5. motherfukkin dodgeball part 2

After a few shitty ads, The Camera jump cut to the Rats in a team huddle.

"Did you see that?!" Frank said, alarmed "That fuckin Russian broad took us out like it was nothin!".

"I'll say!" Sophia interjected "How the hell do ya miss a 6'5 bodybuilder?!" she said, a laugh track playing.

"What, ya sayin this is our fault?" Frank asked, offended.

"I'm just sayin, maybe if Goof Troop over here hadn't gotten so cocky" she explained, pointing over to Goofy, who was still knocked "we might'a could'a won this!".

"Well if you're so sure, why don't you to take his place" Frank retorted.

"Love to!" Sophia said defiantly.

"Wha- Ma! Did you see what that woman did! I-I mean look at her!" Dorothy interrupted. The camera panned over to Zarya, who was drinking from a water bottle. After she was done, she crushed it from cap to bottom. She then tossed the flat disk to side, where something could be heard breaking in the background. "She could jump-rope with your spine!" Dorothy added.

"What about _you_?" Miss Frizzle asked "If your so concerned then why don't you take her place?" she challenged. Dorothy nervously scoffed at this proposal "Wha- Me? I- heh... No, I-I couldn't, I'd-" everyone looked at her expectantly "Oh... Fine!" she relented, Miss Frizzle smiling.

****Confession: Miss Frizzle****

"I just hope that substitute can keep up" she said, dismissively filing her nails. "After all, its not like she does any _actual_ work".

****End Confession****

The camera cut to the Falcons' bleachers, where Toriel could be seen looking dejected. "Oi, the fucks the matter with you?" Chad asked. "Oh, uh, nothing! heh.." she replied, putting on a fake smile. "Roight, well you're in next round, so's beer boy over there" he responded, referring to Mike, who was finishing another beer. "O-Okay!" she responded in the same fake enthusiasm, sighing as he left.

Back to the Rats.

"I can volunteer if you like" Akechi offered. "I have never played Dodgeball before but I-" "Yeah, Yeah, whatever you're in" Frank replied, not really caring.

"Look, if we wanna win we gotta fight fire with fire, you feelin me?" Frank said. He then raised head from the huddle. "Yo T!" he yelled. Mr T looked up from the book he was reading. "Come on man, you're in". "I cannot" Mr T calmly replied .

"What? Why the hell not?" Frank responded, surprised. "I have taken a vow of peace; I can do no harm to another". Frank was dumbfounded. Mr T held up his book: Leo Tolstoy's _War and Peace_. "I was profoundly inspired to do so by the writings of Tolstoy; as he put it, 'it is th-" " _I don't give a fuck about Tolstoy!_ " Frank yelled, knocking the book out of Mr T's hand. "Y-You're supposed to be **Mr T!** You were on the _**fucking A-Team!**_ What the hell happened to that!?" he shouted.

Chef blew his whistle, signaling the teams to get back on the court. Mr T remained defiant " **I will not participate** " he said, coolly picking up his book and resuming his reading.

"Shit! Uh..." Frank still needed 1 more teammate. Frank picked up Remy "Alright come on lil guy you're in!" he said, tossing him onto the court.

 **Round Two:**

The Falcons had Zarya, Anything4viewz, Toriel, Sargon, and Mike.

The Rats had Frank, Miss Frizzle, Dorothy, Akechi, and Remy.

Chef blew his whistle and the round began.

Sargon was the first to throw. Holding the dodgeball in his hands, he closed his eyes. Gathering strength, he channeled all of his **hatred** and all of his **rage** into the ball. Opening his eyes, he pulled the ball back dramatically, and then thrust his arm forward, launching the ball into th- " _ **CHOKE**_ " Peridorp shouted. Sargon's would-be-glorious throw rapidly fizzled out into light toss, easily being caught by Frank.

Sargon just stood there in shock, maintaining his throw stance, as Chef blew his whistle, with Frank bringing the reluctant George in. Snapping out of it, Sargon began to furiously fume, angrily storming out the Thuderdome's back entrance, passing by Peridorp, who was struggling to not burst out laughing. *Ding* **4-6**.

****Confession: Peridorp****

Peridorp is shown wildly laughing, struggling to breathe at some points.

****End Confession****

Peridorp can be seen kneeling and pressing her hands and face against the glass wall, where Sargon could be seen sitting on the other side, thunder sounding in the distnace. "*Snort* I think he's crying!" she snickered to the cameraman. An outside camera zoomed in on him. He is sitting leaned against the Thunderdome, arms crossed, rain pouring down on him. His face was red and was stuck in a permanent scowl, and he appeared to be softly shaking with rage. Due to the rain, it was impossible to tell whether or not he was crying. Maybe that was the point. Anyway, back to the game.

"Olright, Let me show you all how it's fuckin done!" Chad said, hurling a ball at Dorothy.

Dorothy panicked, turning around and ducking to cover her face and head. As you can guess, it wasn't very effective. The ball collided with her back, and chef's familiar whistle rang out, signaling her defeat. " _Typical_ " Miss Frizzle muttered as Dorothy rejoined her mother in shame. "Hey, at least you still have your dignity" Sophia remarked, a laugh track following. *Ding* **4-5**.

Soon after, Remy, in an amazing feat of strength, managed to pick up a ball. Holding it high above his head, he stumbled to the Division Line, finally letting go in a meager toss. The ball went maybe 2 feet off the ground before landing on the wooden floor. It then slowly rolled over to Mike, who was just standing there, drunk, and hit his shoe, getting him out *whistle*. Remy held his lil rat arms high in victory, but his celebration was cut short by a speeding ball, which almost killed him. *Ding* **3-4**.

Balls started to fly more rapidly after that. As the two teams tensely dodged the incoming shots, (some more competently than others), the camera focused on the Rats. More specifically, on George and Miss Frizzle.

Whilst Miss Frizzle gracefully dodged every incoming shot, George had the reflexes of a fucking sea turtle.

"*Huff* _Who the hells idea was it_ *Huff* _to teach such a vicious game_ *Huff* _to children?!_ " he said, exhaustedly diving out of the way of an incoming ball.

" _Well George!_ " Miss Frizzle said, effortlessly spinning out of the way of an incoming ball.

" _Dodgeball originated from a ritual practiced by certain African tribes!_ " she continued, both still dodging " _Warriors would throw large rocks and petrified matter at each other in order prepare themselves for war!_ ".

She tossed a ball to George (who was on the floor) who used it at the last moment to deflect an incoming shot. " _When missionary James H. Carlisle observed the ritual, he was so fascinated and inspired that he created his own version when he returned to the States!_ " Miss Frizzle leaned back like in the Matrix, dodging a ball " _Using leather balls instead of rocks!_ ".

She took off her two Dodgeball earrings " _Since then, it has spread and evolved!_ ". She threw them both at Chad, getting him out " _Turning into the sport we know today!_ " she finished, placing her hands on her hips and smiling. George exasperatedly picked himself up. " _Thanks_ " he panted, clearly not appreciating the impromptu history lesson.

Meanwhile on the Falcon side, Toriel was still somehow on the court, timidly avoiding every threat and letting out lil yelps in the process. When a ball landed next to her, she impulsively picked it up. Holding it though, she was indecisive of what to do next. "Well don't just stand there, _**throw it!**_ " Chad yelled from the bleachers. Pressure mounting, she closed her eyes and reluctantly threw the ball, turning her head away.

"Man, *huff*, I haven't run this much since Tenth Gra-" before George could finish, Toriel's ball collided with his groin, causing him to stiffen up and fall forward, groaning in pain, the laugh track fucking _**imploding**_.

Opening her eyes, Toriel realized what she had done. "Oh gosh! Uh, s-sorry!" she called out. "I-I didn't mean t-" unfortunately her apology was cut short when a stray ball landed right on her face. " _ **Ow!**_ " she yelped, clutching her eye. The thrower was none other than Akechi, who winced at what he had done. "Oooh... Sorry Miss Dreemur!" He shouted as she returned to her seat, still holding her eye. George still laid on the ground, groaning in pure agony. No one moved to help him. *Ding* **1-3**.

Once again, Zarya was the only Falcon left. Unlike last time, though, both sides had a near equal amount dodgeballs. "Alright, easy out here guys, easy out". Frank said, holding up ball "Watch". Zarya staring him down, the balding Philadelphian made his shot. The speeding rubber ball came to an abrupt stop in Zarya's palm. Using her raw strength, she crushed the ball in her muscular hand, popping it. She then pulled the rubber of the ball back like a slingshot and propelled it back.

Frank was too busy prematurely celebrating, and thus had his back turned. "And that's how ya do it folks, what I tell ya? What I tell y-" the speeding rubber projectile _**slammed**_ into the back of his neck like a rubber bullet, causing him much pain. " _ **AGH**_ , **_What the Hel_** -" Frank turned around only to greeted by another speeding ball, hitting him in the face (which wasn't necessary cuz he was already out) " _ **FUCK**_ " he yelled, falling to the floor. Zarya is shown smugly smiling and cracking her knuckles. *Ding* **1-2**.

"HEY" Chris shouted "WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU BRINGING IN" referring to the fact that Frank's out was due to her initial catch and not all the overkill shit she did after.

Zarya held her hand up to Chris, exclaiming "IT IS OF LITTLE CONCERN".

Alarmed, Miss Frizzle attempted to get Zarya out with a quick throw. Zarya's reflexes were too fast however, and she deflected the shot with another dodgeball. The ball ricocheted back and hit the Friz right in the chest, knocking the wind out of her. Another ball soon followed, knocking Akechi out as well. *Ding* **1-0**.

One whistle blow later and the round was over; another win for the Falcons.

The Falcons cheered as triumphant music played. Zarya just chuckled. "IT BRINGS ME MUCH JOY TO DEFEAT PUNY RAT TEAM" she gloated, magnificently flexing her massive muscles. All the Rats could do was just watch in defeat.

The Falcons now had 2-0 lead over the Rats. All they needed was one more win.

The camera cut back to the Rats.

"That fuckin Ruskys destroyin us!" Frank complained. "E-Everytime we get a fuckin lead she just come outs there and **_BAM_** we're all fuckin dead!".

"Yes, it appears that Miss Zaryanova is, figuratively speaking, carrying the Falcons" Akechi replied, rubbing his chin. "If she were to somehow be... _incapacitated_ , it's possible we could retake the lead" he proposed.

Frank thought this over. He then smiled, getting an idea.

 **Round Three:**

The Falcons consisted of Sargon, Peridorp, Zarya, Mario, and Peach.

And the Rats consisted of Frank, Goofy (who had regained consciousness), Normahn, Miss Frizzle, and Akechi.

Whilst the two teams lined up, the camera cut to Falcons' bleachers, where Jerma was finally starting to recover from being trampled.

"Why are all like the worst players out there?" he asked, the camera cutting to peach weakly holding a dodgeball.

"I mean, its tha last round anyway, so, its not loik-" before Chad could finish a fuckIGN _ **GUNSHOT**_ landed right in Zarya's kneecap. " _ **NYET**_ " the brute screamed, falling to the floor.

"What the fuck?!" Chad yelled, Chef blowing his whistle.

The camera cut to the Rats's side where Frank was standing suspiciously close to a smoking revolver. "Oh uh WHOOPS, heh, I accidentally, uh, dropped my gun and it went off, sorry" he said unconvincingly.

****Confession: Frank****

"If we're gonna win this thing we gotta get a little unorthodox, ya know?" he said waving his gun around. He was seriously underplaying the whole situation "I mean its not like I shot her anywhere important, it was just her knee!".

****End Confession****

"Chris come on that's gotta be like a fuckin foul or somethin!" Chad shouted. Chris just shrugged, struggling to hold back laughter. Akechi put his hand on Chad's shoulder "It was an accident, Chad. _Accidents happen_ ". Chad shook him off "Get the fuck off me!".

Chef blew his whistle again. "WELL, LOOKS LIKE YOU CUNTS ARE GONNA HAVE TO FIND A REPLACEMENT" Chris said, with Zarya being carried off in a stretcher in the background.

"Alright, time for you ta get out there" Chad said pushing Jerma to the court. "What? No! I'm covered in mud!" he objected, referring to his clothes "My shirt looks like someone wiped their fucking ass with it!". Chad just kept pushing him " _Go!_ " "Ugh, Fine!".

 **Round 3 (Again):**

Everything was the same except the Falcons now had Jerma instead of Zarya.

Chef's whistle blowing, the two teams began their brawl.

A few balls were thrown Jerma's way, but he expertly ducked and dodged them.

"Too fast!" Jerma taunted, doing a rapid sort of zig-zag motion to get a ball "I'm like Sonic! I'm too-" Unfortunately he still had some mud on his shoes and ended up slipping " _FUCK_ ". As he lay on the ground, clutching his badly injured shin, a ball hits him in the face. Jerma gets up and limps back to the bleachers, a whistle and ding accompanying him. **4-5**.

A rapid back-and-forth developed soon after. Even though Peach seemed like an easy target, Mario was too fucking agile and kept pushing her out of harm's way. And Sargon, despite being soaking wet, was still able to effectively dodge. So for like 10 minutes it was just people throwing and dodging, no one getting out. "My god... I haven't been this bored since I watched that _Fifty Shades of Grey_ movie!" Sophia is shown saying, more canned laughter playing.

Unfortunately for the Falcons, Mario soon slipped up whilst pushing her out of the way. Peach was now wide open. Seizing the opportunity, Frank soon directed a shot at her. Recovering from his fall, Mario realized what was happening. " _NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_ " he exclaimed, jumping in front of Peach in slow motion. Peach remained absolutely oblivious as her husband epically failed to protect her, completely missing. Luckily though, the ball she was holding in her frail lil hands managed to deflect it. Unluckily though, it then bounced off the ceiling and onto the back of Mario's head, getting him out. Peach lifted her ball up a lil " _i did it_ " she murmured happily. Unfortunately, another ball soon followed, hitting her in the face " _ohhhh..._ " she murmered sadly. *Ding* **2-4**.

The focus shifted over Normahn. Since Stalling Rules didn't exist in this game, he had held onto the same ball for about a minute, using it to deflect and shit. Finally an opportunity presented itself. Moving to throw, he successfully hit all the button prompts, except last one, where he pressed R1 instead of R2. Unsurprisingly the ball missed, and Sargon took the chance to retaliate. Normahn had two choices: Catch it [Square] or Dodge it [Circle]. He moved to dodge it but didn't press Triangle in time and got hit in the ribs, getting him out. *Ding* **2-3**.

Sargon, for a brief moment, looked happy. He had finally gotten someone out! Unfortunately this didn't last as, right after, Peridorp had already started bullying him again. "Heh, *Snort* Ya like to hit other guys with your _balls_ , Sargon?" she snickered. He tried his best to ignore her "Ya like to play with _balls?_ *Snort*". Sargon remained silent, sidestepping a ball. Peridorp, realizing she was being ingored, doubled down "*Snort* Ya know, I noticed that you've voluntered for every *snort* round so far, eventhough you always get out!". Sargon began to huff angrily. "Are ya some sort of *snort* masochist or something?" she snickered "a _Gay Masochist?_!". Sargon was near his breaking point. Peridorp smugly continued "Maybe you should *snort* change your name from _Sargon of_ _ **Akkad**_ " she chuckled "to _Sargon of_ _ **AFFAG!**_ ".

" **That's it!** " Sargon suddenly picked up Peridorp by her green dorito hair and used her as a shield. A ball collided with her stupid lil gremlin face and she was out. Peridorp just looked stunned as she was dropped to the floor, Chef's whistle blowing soon after. Sargon smiled triumphantly. *Ding* **1-3**.

"Oi!" Chad yelled "What the fuck was that?!". Despite Sargon's personal victory, the Falcon's were now down yet another player "You just got her out ya daft cunt!" he continued. Sargon realized he was the only one left. "I-It's Fine! I-I just gotta-" the moment turned he to reface the Rats he was met with a barrage of Balls from the Rat team. He failed to dodge a single one and they all collided with his body, knocking him down and getting him out. *Ding* **0-3**.

The Rats' faces lit up. The round was theirs!

As the Rats cheered and high fived and shit, an embarrassed looking Sargon returned to the bleachers, Chad glaring at him.

****Confession: Anything4viewz****

"You have got to be fucking kidding me" he said, rubbing the bridge of his nose.

****End Confession****

Chris was supposed to say something here, but he took a few too many painkillers mid-round and blacked out. Oh well.

The camera cut to the Rats in another Team huddle.

"Alright, that was great!" Frank said "All we gotta do now is just keep momentum". "I'm gonna sit this round out, okay?" he pointed to George "George I want you to take my place". George was shocked by this decision "What?! Wh-Wh-Why?! W-Why me?!" he asked, panicking. "Cuz I've been out there since Round 1 and my feet are fuckin killin me!" Frank replied "And besides, you're a natural born leader!". " _No I'm not!_ " George responded, the laugh track also sharing this sentiment.

Dorothy spoke up "Frank, I disagree". She continued "Every time George goes out there it's been a disaster; he can't hit anything!" "What, you saying I'm not good enough?" George said, tone instantly changing. "Yeah, _ya saying he aint good enough?_ " Frank added, stirring the pot. "Wh- No! That's not what I'm saying, all I'm saying is-" "Ya know at least I can actually dodge a ball!" George exclaimed, cutting her off. "I-I don't duck a like a _little girl_ the moment one comes my way!" he continued sassily.

"He has a point, ya know" Sophia added. "Ma!" Dorothy exclaimed, hurt by her mother's words. "Face it, Dorothy, you were never cut for organized sports" she continued "I remember back when you were in grade school, you'd always come home crying whenever you played tetherball, sayin it was 'too hard' and that ya 'couldn't do it'. _How hard is it to hit a ball back and forth?!"_ the live studio audience fucking lost it.

Dorothy threw her hands up in defeat "Fine, fine do whatever!".

"Alright" Frank continued "Goofy you good?". "A-huck! Yup" Goofy replied, giving a retarded thumbs up. "What about you Friz?" Frank asked again. "Why, I'm as fit as a fiddle!" she said, giving an enthusiastic smile. Akechi objected "Are you sure? You've been in every round since the beginning. Perhaps you should take a rest". The schoolteacher balked at the suggestion "Nonsense! I _live_ for the sport!". Akechi relented.

The camera panned up, revealing a dispute on the Falcon side.

"Oh come on! You'll put her in but not me?" Sargon yelled, referring to Toriel, who had a pretty nasty black eye from what happened earlier.

"You're not going back in, cunt!" Chad yelled. "Why not?! I-I got a hit in! I got someone out! What's the fucking problem?!" Sargon replied, exasperated. "You can't just use someone like a fucking _human shield!_ " he responded, referring to Peridorp, who was blowing her tongue at Sargon "You might as well've been playing for the other _fucking team!_ ".

"But I-" " _ENOUGH_ " Chad cut him off "Alright?! Ya staying ere!". Sargon huffed angrily, but ultimately accepted his fate, sitting down and crossing his arms.

****Confession: Sargon****

"Unbelievable! I-I finally get somethin good goin on ere, and that fat bastard benches me!".

****End Confession****

The fat bastard turned his attention to Jerma, who was nursing his lower leg. "Ey, ya goin in again next round" "What? No, I'm not going in!" the short streamer responded. "I fucking sprained my Ankle, I need rest!" he insisted "Yah, well that's too fuckin bad" Chad responded, not giving a single fuck.

"Oi! Booze Brothers!" he called out, getting Mike and Jay's attention. "You cunts are goin in too" Mike and Jay just looked at each other.

****Confession: Mike and Jay****

"S-So if we're like the, like the Blues, t-the Booze, the, the-" Mike drunkenly stumbled over his words "The _Blooze_ Brothers or whatever, which one of us is Dan Aykroyd?". "I don't think he was referencing the _Blues Brothers_ , Mike, I think he was just insulting us" Jay responded. Mike looked down disappointedly "Oh...".

****End Confession****

 **Round Four:**

Playing for the Falcons, we have Anything4viewz, Toriel, Jerma, Jay, and Mike.

Playing for the Rats, we have, Goofy, Akechi, Miss Frizzle, George and Sophia.

Another whistle, another round.

Anything4viewz threw first. The ball he chucked was directed at Sophia, but she dodged it.

"Thought ya could get the old lady out first, eh?" she mocked. Picking up the ball, she quickly retaliated, hurling it his way.

Chad anticipated the ball's path, and moved out of harm's way. The oblivious Jay, however, was still in its path.

"Well I mean, like, appearance-wise, I think you'd be more John Belush-" Jay's ongoing conversation with Mike was ended when the ball hit him right in the chest. "Agh, what the fuck?" Jay said, wincing in pain.

"hEY" Mike exclaimed "YoU FUCkiNG BiTCH". He then threw his beer bottle across the arena. He didn't really have good aim though, so the bottle ended up hitting Goofy instead. It shattered on impact, impaling his face with many shards of glass, causing him to scream out in pain.

"Wh- Chris he can't do that!" George shouted. Chris was passed out on floor.

Nevertheless, Goofy was out, some paramedics picking his writhing body off the floor and carrying him off. *Ding* **4-4**.

After the initial "skirmish" phase, all out war broke out.

Despite what the previous play might've made you think, Mike was still the slow, apathetic, drunk that well all know and love and so he ended getting hit pretty early on. *Whistle* *Ding* **3-4**.

Unfortunately, George was also still the slow, incompetent, fucking idiot that we all know and love, so when Chad threw a ball his way he hilariously scrambled to avoid it, only to land in the path of another ball, which him in right in the face. He was out again, much to Frank's chagrin. *Ding* **3-3**.

****Confession: Frank****

"I gotta say, George is really shittin the bed here" he said, taking a bite out of a candy bar. "I mean the guy did so well last challenge, what the hell happened? *Crunch*". "You know what?" he said whilst chewing "I probably should've given him some crack or somethin before he went out there" he said, wiping his hands on his shirt.

****End Confession****

Toriel was the next to go. She had actually manage to survive pretty long, fearfully evading every threat. That was, of course, until Akechi did a lil curve ball technique and the ball **_slammed_** into her in her lower back. " ** _Ow!_** " she yelped, nearly falling over. Life before, Akechi winced. "Oh, uh, s-sorry again!" he called out as she walked off the court, holding her back. *Ding* **2-3**.

Jerma had to limp the entire time he was out there since his ankle was all fucked up. Despite this, he actually managed to be an elusive target. At least until Miss Frizzle took out his other leg. "Aghhh..." he groaned, laying on the floor. *Ding* **1-3**.

Despite her team's recent victories, The Friz looked rather exhausted. "Uh, Miss Frizzle? Are you alright?" Akechi asked worriedly. "*Pant* Who? *Pant* Me? *Pant* Of course!" Miss Frizzle replied, straightening herself out. "I could do this all da-" jusT THEn a ball impacted her jaw at a high velocity. The collision was recorded in slow motion, with the shot knocking the spit out of her mouth and her body being knocked back. It was very cinematic. She landed on her back, unconscious.

The thrower was none other Chad, the last Falcon standing. He looked pretty pleased that he had incapacitated one of the Rats' best players. At least he looked pleased until Akechi and Sophia decided to double team his ass. He managed to dodge the first barrage, but was fucking decimated by the second, joining Miss Frizzle in unconsciousness. *Ding* **0-2**.

As the Rats cheered their champions, Sophia congratulated her partner. "Nice work out there, Hakechi" Sophia panted "Miss Petrillo, it's _A_ -" "Yeah, sure, whatever" she replied, not really caring.

The two teams were now tied. **2-2**.

The next round would decide it all.

And Sargon knew it.

This was his chance. With Chad out of the way, he could finally step up and be the leader his team needed. The leader who would win the game. The leader who wouldn't be in 20th place.

He didn't have to say it. You could see it on his face as he excitedly eyed that fat bastard being dragged to safety.

"Olright! So..." he announced, standing up "Seeing as Chad's outta commission, we're gonna really haf to work hard to win here". There was awkward silence as everyone just looked at him. He was the only enthusiastic one there. Sargon coughed "Heh, well! Uh..." he looked around "Mike!" "Huh?" "You, uh, you think you can in another round?" he asked. "Sure, I guess" he replied, taking a swig from his comically large hip flask. "Alright! Uh, Jay?" "I don't know, I mean..." as Sargon was busy figuring shit out, the camera panned over to the Rats, where Frank and Normahn could be seen arguing.

"Come on, juhst gimme anotha chance!" the FBI agent pleaded "I wahsn't focused thehn, but I know I can do iht!".

Frank was unconvinced "I can't do that, alright? It's our last round and two of our best players just got fuckin knocked out; we can't afford _any_ variables! And frankly, so far you've been total shit." Frank replied. Normahn persisted "I-I just messehd up the button prompts, it won't happen agaihn!". Frank looked confused " _Button Prompts?_ What the fuck are you talking about?". Normahn didn't have an answer. "I think those glasses are startin to fuck with ya head or somethin, man!" Normahn just stood as there as Frank walked away.

****Confession: Normahn Jayhden****

"Y-Ya know, th-the buhtton... prompts" he said, unsure of himself "Th-There's Trianhgle, Squarhe, uh, C-Circle, R1 and L1...". He looked like he was starting to question reality itself "...Y-Y-You know what Ah'm talking about, right?".

****End Confession****

"Uh, Frank? If I may?" Akechi said, stopping him. "Norman is a _Federal Agent_ , I imagine he must have had extensive physical training in order to get that position. Certainly more than, say, Mr. Costanza". The camera cut to George, who was currently trying pick a peanut out of his teeth from the Snickers he just ate.

"Sure, he's been a little... unfocused, but, given the circumstances, I think he could really pull through for us here. I implore you, Please, I implore you, reconsider" Frank thought it over. George and Dorothy were both horrifically incompetent, and since Mr T was still refusing to compete, he didn't really have any other options.

He finally relented "Ahhhhhh _Fine_. He can go in, but no bullshit okay?" "Of course" the young detective replied.

As Frank went off screen, Normahn emerged from the background and shook Akechi's hand "Thanks Goro, I-I don't know what to say" "Think nothing of it" he replied, smiling.

****Confession: Akechi****

"I must say, Agent Jayden's performance so far has been rather... underwhelming" his tone was quite serious, a sharp contrast to the friendly persona he put on before. "Given his experience in law enforcement, I figured this challenge would suit him quite well, but... that just hasn't been the case" Akechi wiped some dirt off his shoulder "For now I'll chock it up to the previous challenge; he did seem rather tired this morning" he made direct eye contact with the camera "Nevertheless, I am still deeply disappointed".

****End Confession****

The camera cut back to the Falcons' side.

Sargon had managed to get Mike, Mario, and Toriel to go in. But he still need one more.

"*Snort* Hey! What about me?" Peridorp asked, raising her lil gremlin hand. Sargon nervously scoffed "What? You? No" he replied quickly. " **Why not?** " Peridorp asked in a serious tone. She had been acting differently since Sargon used her as a human shield. Instead of the smug lil cunt we all know and love, she had instead been eerily quiet, simply sitting in her seat and glaring at Sargon.

Frankly she had been acting like a little bitch.

Sargon stumbled with his words "Y-You just CANt, Okay?!" he said panicking. He looked around, desperate for an escape. "Peach!" he called out "You're in!". Peridorp just glared at him again " _Fine..._ " she mumbled, falling back into her seat. The camera cut to Peach " _oh yeahhhhhh_ " she gargled happily.

 **Round Five:**

The Penultimate Round

The Falcons' champions consisted of Sargon, Mario, Mike, Peach, and Toriel.

And the Rats' champions were Frank, Normahn, Akechi, Sophia, and Remy.

The two teams stared each other down. Two bolts of lightning rained down from the sky, illuminating them both. With the crack of thunder, and the ring of the whistle, the round began.

"Remy!" Frank whispered, leaning down to his lil rat ears " _Do the thing!_ ". Remy gave a lil "ok" sign and then rushed to get a ball. Painstakingly lifting the ball, he summoned every drop of his rat strength and tossed the ball high into the air.

The target was, once again, Mike Motherfucking Stoklasa, who was too fucking drunk to notice the projectile. " _Mike!_ " Sargon yelled, breaking him out of his trance. "Wha-?" the ball landed **perfectly** in his hand. The whistle blew and Remy's lil Rat ass was sent packing back to the stands. Mike realized the situation. "Heyyyyy, look at that" he said in muted enthusiasm "That's a winner. That's a-" another ball flew toward him and knocked the ball out of his hand (Chris didn't mention it earlier but that means ur out) "Oh...". Sargon face palmed.

Mike was now out, but chef reminded him that he still had to choose someone to bring in. Mike pointed his finger out to choose who would replace him. It initially landed on Jay, but then went all over the fucking place before settling in between Jerma and Peridorp.

The camera switched to Mike's POV. His vision was quite blurry due to his inebriation, and his pointed finger kept swaying between the two. "Pick Jerma" Sargon said impatiently over Mike's shoulder. Mike's finger shifted in Peridorp's direction "No, _Jerma_ , not her" it kept shifting "Not her, _Anyone but her!_ ". Mike wasn't listening " _Literally anyone but_ _her!_ " Sargon grabbed onto his arm to try and shift it away, but it was futile " _Stop_ , _**STO-**_ " "I choose _Beridot_ " Mike said drunkenly. Peridorp did a lil a " _yes!_ " motion and ran out onto the court, Sargon powerless to stop her. *Ding* **5-4**.

After that the balls started flying.

For some goddamn reason, though, the camera decided to focus on those two hack frauds, the royalty free song "Buddy" playing in the background.

Mike had just taken his seat next to Jay on the top row, and had cracked open the last beer, taking a swig. Jay turned to face his companion.

"Mike, does it seem like this challenge has been going on for way too long?" Jay asked. "W-What do you mean Jay?" Mike responded.

"Well, I don't know. It just feels like this game of Dodgeball has been going on for fucking ever" Jay continued. The camera cut to a behind shot of the two. In the background of this shot, you could see that the Falcons were desperately trying, and failing, to get someone out. " _How hard is it to hit an old fuckin lady!_ " Sargon could be heard yelling.

"Maybe it just seems that way cuz Chris hasn't been hurrying us along so he can do more drugs, and plus, uh, the fact that it's been raining like fucking Hurricane Katrina since we got here" Mike suggested. Jay nodded "That is true". Meanwhile, Mario was screaming like a lil bitch trying to wheel his wife out of the way of an incoming artillery strike of dodgeballs.

"Do you remember t-that Movie, uh, _Dodgeball_ that came out in like 2004 or 2005?" Mike asked, completely de-railing their previous conversation. "Uh, you mean the one with Ben Stiller and Vince Va- "And Vince Vaughn, yeah" Mike finished. "Well I was reading about it on my phone during the last, uh, break or whatever and I came across something rather interesting. Apparently it's very possible that the script for the film was _stolen_ , as in some other guy did it and they just ripped him off" "Really?" Jay asked, interested. "Yeah, in the article I was reading there were these two guys; uh, David Price and Ashoka Thomas. They claimed that..." as Mike and Jay continued their pointless, godawful conversation, the camera finally cut to the court to get some action.

The off-screen dodgeball _**massacre**_ that had occurred left the Falcons down two players. Toriel, who had a dodgeball get impaled on one of her horns, and Mario, who had gotten _absolutely fucking destroyed_ by a barrage of balls. *Ding* **3-4**. The latter of the two eliminations posed the most problems; who the fuck was gonna wheel Peach around?

"I can't just-a leave her!" Mario insisted, desperate to keep his vegetable wife safe. Sargon had to think fast. He only had a few seconds before the battle would resume. "I'll do it!" he exclaimed, suddenly grabbing her wheelchair handles and pushing her. " _whoahh_ " Peach garbled, surprised. Sargon just sighed as he wheeled her back onto the court.

****Confession: Sargon****

"The things I fuckin do..." he said, holding his forehead.

****End Confession****

And so, the round resumed, with Sargon wheeling around an extra 200 or so pounds of literal dead weight.

Not long after this development, Chad finally came to.

" _Agh fuck..._ What the hell happened?" he asked, groggily rubbing his bruised head.

"You got knocked out" Jerma replied.

"I did? What the fuck am I doin ere' then?" he asked.

"The paramedics said that they'd rather ' _Let that fat fuck get_ _a concussion_ ' then have to haul you off" " _Oh..._ " Chad replied.

"Oh no... Oh no what the fuck is he doing?!" Chad said, suddenly realizing the situation on the court.

Sargon was currently wheeling Peach around the court, dodgeballs flying past them. When Mario did it, it was pretty graceful, cuz ya know I guess he was just used to having to push his potato wife around. But when Sargon did it, it looked pretty shitty; in fact it was a miracle that they hadn't already gotten hit.

"Who the hell let him go back in there?!" he demanded.

"Well, uh, after you got knocked out, Sargon kinda took charge and-" "He _took charge?_ " chad asked, baffled. "Why the fuck'd you let him do that?! Sargon can't _lead!_ ". The camera cut to Sargon, who was still desperately trying to protect his feeble companion. "Why couldn't you do it?!" "Well my legs hurt" " _Ya legs hurt?! Are you fucking kidding me?!_ " Chad was beyond pissed.

****Confession: Anything4viewz****

"Sargon? A _leader?_ Gimme a fuckin break, the guy couldn't lead a dog down a sidewalk!".

****End Confession****

The camera cut back to Sargon. Pushing around Peach was a real pain in the ass. Especially when she was constantly going " _wheeeee_ " as they weaved in between balls.

Frank is shown throwing a ball. As he did so, his bag of "Oregano" from earlier in the episode fell out of his shirt pocket. "Ah shit, my weed!" he exclaimed, reaching to pick it back up.

Sargon, noticing the incoming ball, instinctively ducked behind Peach's wheelchair. The ball ended up hitting Peach instead, who just garbled incoherently. Sargon grabbed the ball that had hit her and, still using her wheelchair for cover, threw it at the vulnerable Frank, getting him out. *Ding* **2-3**.

As Chef's whistle blew, Sargon realized what a valuable asset that Peach's wheelchair was. Moveable cover on an open battlefield!

"Hey, Teabag!" Chef yelled "That cripples gotta get off the court!".

Sargon promptly dumped Peach off the edge of the court, keeping the wheelchair. "Peach-a!" Mario yelled, rushing to help his paraplegic wife, who was now moaning in pain on the floor.

The wheelchair served Sargon well, blocking many incoming balls and giving him cover from which to fire. Despite this, Chad still looked exponentially miffed.

Nothing else significant happened for like 10 minutes.

The camera cut back to Mike and Jay, who were still discussing _Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story_.

"So yeah, t-they gave their script to their agent's assistant, and the assistant may have accidently or intentionally passed it on to Rawson Thurber, who 'coincidentally' finished his script about a month later" Mike said, sipping his beer.

"That does sound pretty fishy" Jay replied "I mean, to be fair, it sounds like a bunch of shit in the original script was kind of... I don't know, awful? The whole, uh, _Gordo/Gordon_ thing, where in the Thurber script, Gordon has to learn to channel his anger or whatever, but in the original script, he had to learn to... overcome his fear of using other people's toilet paper". The two started cracking up. "If the whole script was full of stuff like that, then mayb-" "Maybe it was a _good thing_ that Rawson Thurber got his _grubby little paws_ on the script?" Mike finished. "Yeah" Jay ended, the both of them laughing.

"Oi! Will you two shut up?!" Chad yelled "Do you even care about the fucking challenge?!". "...No" Mike replied.

The camera cut back to the court. Perdorp had been surprisingly graceful, dodging every ball. She even pulled off a sick ricochet bounce, getting both Akechi and Sophia out in the process. Instead of her usual taunting, though, she had remained strangely queit, not even grinning.

This put the teams at **2-1**.

Sargon and Peridorp for the Falcons.

Normahn Jaydehn for the Rats.

 **The fate of this match was held in their hands**

"Hey, uh, n-nice move out there Peridot" Sargon said, trying to give a genuine compliment.

"Thanks..." Peridorp replied.

As the round resumed, rather than begin her assault, Peridorp stopped Sargon to talk to him.

"*Snort* Ya know Sargon... *snort* I just wanted to say that I'm... well that I'm sorry" she said, sounding legitimately apologetic.

This caught Sargon by surprise "Y-You're sorry?" he stuttered.

"Yeah... *snort*" an evil grin suddenly spread across her face " _I'm sorry that you're such a_ _fucking failure_ " she finished. The words hit Sargon like an arrow. "W-What?" he stammered.

" _I said that_ _I'm sorry that you're a pseudo-intellectual **douchebag** who makes SJW rant videos for a living_"

" _I'm also sorry that you're an insecure little fucking **manchild** who goes into **tard-rage** over an internet poll_"

" _I'm especially sorry that your only magnifiable talent is **complaining** about shit_"

Sargon tried his best to keep calm, but the words were really starting to hit home. Peridorp's barrage did not stop.

" _I'm sorry that the only way for you to support yourself is to **beg** for money on the internet_"

" _I'm sorry that the only people who take you seriously are **twelve year olds** and neckbeards_"

" _I'm sorry that the only person who ever loved you was probably **yourself**_ "

Sargon's lip was starting to quiver.

" _I'm sorry that I treat you like the **piece of shit** that you are_"

" _I'm sorry if I don't kiss your **fat white ass** like it's heavenly ambrosia_"

" _I'm sorry you're so sensitive that you're about to cry like a **little bitch** over a few mean words_"

Just like she said, Sargon could be seen tearing up.

Her epic roast brought back memories to when he was a young lad in secondary school. All the other boys would always bully him because of his Classical Liberal beliefs. Every time he tried to make a new friend, they'd just laugh at him and beat him up. One time, after he did a presentation on Sargon the Great, founder of the Akkadian Empire, a few of the older boys locked him in the janitor's closet for four hours, all whilst chanting " _Carl is a faggot! Carl is a Faggot!_ ".

"S-Shut up!" he said, trying not to cry. His reaction only fueled her bloodlust.

" _Oh, what the matter Sargon? Did I strike a nerve?_ " She mocked.

" _ **I SAID SHUT UP!**_ " he yelled, grabbing her by the collar.

Two balls then hit the both of them.

As you can imagine, getting roasted like a fucking Thanksgiving Turkey might leave you vulnerable to attack. Which is exactly what happened.

Normahn, noticing the situation, had more than enough time to ace the button prompts. And not only that, but since they were so distracted, he managed to pull off a double throw and get them both out. It was tremendous! *Ding* **0-1**.

The Rats celebrated their victory, a great sigh of relief being uttered by many of them. Not because they won, but because they wouldn't have to spend another fucking minute in the goddamn Thunderdome.

Sargon just stood there, holding Peridorp, tears running down his face and shaking with rage.

"*Snicker* *Snort* _**...AHAHAHAHA!**_ " Peridorp maniacally laughed, falling out of Sargon's grasp " ** _I can't-_ ***Snort* **_I can't-_** *Snort* _ **I CAN'T BELIEVE IT ACTUALLY WORKED!**_ " she said, rolling on the floor laughing. She didn't even give a fuck that they just lost the challenge.

If Sargon's anger could be measured on a thermometer, than all the mercury shit just shot straight through the top.

" _YOU LITTLE CUN-_ " "HEY!" Chad interrupted, stopping Sargon from fucking throttling her "WHAT THE _ **FUCK**_ ARE YOU TWO DOING?!". This caught the attention of everyone else, including the Rats.

"THIS LITTLE GREEN SHIT HAS BEEN PUSHING SINCE DAY FUCKING ONE" Sargon shouted back "I AM SO SICK AND TIRED OF..." as Sargon attempted to explain his actions, the camera panned over to give a reaction shot from all the other campers. Some looked confused. Others looked entertained. Like Sophia.

****Confession: Sophia****

"I knew it was only a matter of time before those two brits would be at it again" she said, sounding pleased.

****End Confession****

The conflict rapidly devolved into a shouting match between Sargon and Chad, with Peridorp smiling in glee at the Chaos.

"If you knew she'd be a pain in the arse, then why'd you let her in?!" Chad demanded "I didn't! That drunk bastard did!" Sargon replied, pointing to Mike. "Why didn't you stop him?!" "I couldn't! He fuckin-" "Save it! Okay?! Just fucking save it! I can't bear another **fucking minute** of you trying to explain how you fucked up the most important round in the entire the fucking game all cuz some lil green twat made of fun of ya! _**You FUCKING Nimrod!**_ " Chad yelled, storming out. The tenuous peace between and Sargon and Chad was now over, it appeared.

Meanwhile, Chef had just gotten done reviving Chris with Coke again. "WAIT, THEY _LOST?_ " he could be overheard saying.

"HOW THE FUCK DO YOU BLOW A **2-0** LEAD?" he said, laughing " _WHAT FUCKING IDIOTS_ ". He was obviously talking about the Falcons, which just made them feel worse.

"ALRIGHT, GUESS THE RATS WIN THEN" he announced, walking out the front door "HEY LOOK AT THAT, THE RAIN FINALLY LET UP".

No one seemed excited by this news.

Anyway the next scene was in the Mess hall, where everyone was having dinner. Tonight's special: cold shaved ham. Fucking delicious.

Everyone seemed pretty miserable to be there. The challenge had left everyone either bruised or with some sort of injury. All except Mr T of course, who just sat through the entire fucking game reading his shitty book.

****Confession: Frank****

"The whole Mr T thing really fuckin pisses me off" Frank said "The guy probably coulda won the game like 4 hours ago but ' _N_ _oOoOo I gotta uphold my peace vow_ ' or some shit. Fuckin Prick".

****End Confession****

Of course, Chad and Sargon were still arguing.

"She was out! It's not like she needed it or anything!" Sargon said, desperately trying to defend his decision to steal Peach's wheelchair. "It's always about you, isn't it?! ' _Who_ _cares if a womans in a fucking wheelchair as long as I can use it as fuckin cover!_ '" Chad responded. "You _Figlio di puttana!_ " Mario added.

Anyway, while that shit was going on, the camera cut to Rat table. More specifically, to Normahn. He looked troubled.

"Hey uh, Goro?" Normahn asked "Do you ever... see things?". "What do you mean?" the teenager replied. Normahn shifted uncomfortably in his seat "I mean... do you ever... _see things_. _Strange things_. Things that make you question _realhity_ ". "You mean hallucinations?" Akechi replied, puzzled at where this conversation was going.

Normahn sighed "No... I mean like, _real_ _things_. Stuff you know is reahl, but it's just... off. Like today, for exhample. Have you seen anything strange today?". This question perplexed Akechi "Have I _seen_ anything strange today?" "Yeah". Akechi thought it over, and his gaze slowly moved past his companion and to the falcon table across the room, where it met the eyes of a certain goat woman.

Despite Chad and Sargon's current shouting match, Toriel had managed to overhear their entire conversation, and was currently staring at the young detective in abject terror. As the two made awkward eye contact, Akechi thought over this morning's events. He had to admit, when he signed up for this show, he never imagined seeing an anthropomorphic goat-woman graze for sustenance. It was certainly one of the most bizarre things he had ever seen. But then his focus shifted back to her.

Whilst all the other Falcons were currently bickering over who fucked up the dodgeball game, Toriel was just sitting there, frozen with anxiety.

She had the same look on her face that she did when he first caught her. One of fear. One of panic. One of _shame_.

Normahn had his back turned and was thus unaware of the entire situation, but was still anxiously waiting for his response, nervously tapping his finger on the table.

With every moment that passed, the anticipation between both parties grew. Toriel's breathing grew shallow and Normahn's taps increased in frenquency. They both expected an answer, and Akechi's silence only served to heighten the silent tension.

Finally, he gave his response "No... no I haven't seen anything particularly... odd" he said, averting his gaze and taking a sip from his drink. As Normahn groaned in disappointment, the camera cut to a confused looking Toriel.

She had been so ready for Akechi to tell him that it came as a shock that he didn't. It raised so many questions. Why had he done it? Why hadn't he told him? He didn't have any reason to defend her. They weren't on the same team. He hardly even knew her! And it would have risen in a natural context: just two friends having a conversation. He made the _conscious decision_ not to out her.

These questions and many others soon fell to wayside as she came to the slow realization that her life was not over. That no one would know that she was a dirty grazer. And with that realization came a wave of relief that refreshed her like a cool spring.

Unfortunately it wouldn't last as, not long after, Chad had choke-slammed Sargon onto the table. " _YOU STUPID BASTARD_ " he yelled as he attempted to strangle him.

"If I may ask, Norman, what is the, uh, basis for this conversation?" Akechi asked.

"... Ah forgeht it" he said, returning to his food.

Akechi thought this was strange, but decided not to pursue it.

Several Falcons are seen attempting to hold Chad back in the background.

 **Finally it was time for the fucking Bonfire Ceremony.**

"FALCONS..." Chris started "WHAT A FUCKING DISASTER". He started laughing "I-I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GUYS FUCKED UP _THIS_ BAD"

Everyone just sat there in silence as Chris laughed at their failure.

"...Where's Zarya at?" Jerma asked.

"OH HER? SHE'S STILL IN THE FUCKING INFIRMARY. TURNS OUT THAT BULLET DID A LOT MORE DAMAGE THEN THEY FIRST THOUGHT. DON'T WORRY THOUGH I STILL GOT HER VOTE" Chris explained

"ANYWAY, LETS GET TO THE ELIMINATION" he announced "FIRST UP... ZARYA... WHO'S NOT HERE" he threw her marshmallow into the fire.

"THEN WE GOT, UH, MIKE, JAY, JERMA, AND PEACH" they were all tossed their marshmallows.

"FOLLOWED BY TORIEL, MARIO, AND CHAD" Chad glared at Sargon as he went to receive his.

"FINALLY, _THE LAST MARSHMALLOW_..."

Sargon and Peridorp were the only ones left.

"YOU TWO BASTARDS LET YOUR PERSONAL SHIT COME BEFORE THE CHALLENGE, AND THUS, ONE OF YOU MUST LEAVE... _ **FOREVER**_ "

Sargon was on the edge of his seat; Peridorp was struggling not to laugh at him.

"THE FINAL MARSHAMALLOW GOES TO..."

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"SARGON"

" _ **YES!**_ " he shouted triumphantly .

"What?!" Peridorp said, surprised. Chad had a similar reaction "What!?".

" **GET** _**FUCKED!**_ " Sargon said, pushing Peridorp off her stump as he went up to grab his prize. I guess Chad had overestimated how many people blamed Sargon for their loss.

"You C-C-*snort*- **CLODDS** would rather have this F-F-*snort*- **FAGGOT** than the **_Great and Mighty Peridot?!_** " she yelled in her whiniest, most nasally voice " _ **FINE!**_ ". She then stormed off toward the Dock of Shame, Sargon giving her two british middle fingers and obnoxiously taunting her " _ **UP YOURS YA LITTLE TWAT!**_ ".

****Confession: Sargon****

Sargon is shown wildly celebrating his victory over Peridorp, even dancing at one point whilst chanting " _Get Fucked! Get Fucked!_ ".

****End Confession****

"COULDN'T OF SAID IT BETTER MYSELF" Chris said, lighting his cigar.

The scene transitioned to the Dock of Shame, where Peridorp could be seen packing her shit. This was some time after the bonfire ceremony, and all the other falcons had to returned to their cabin.

"Stupid Clodss...*snort*...Fucking normies..." she could be heard grumbling, angrily trying to stuff her laptop into her suitcase. Behind her, at the base of the dock, a shadowy figure could be seen, holding something behind their back.

" **YO** , _ **PERI**_ " they yelled.

" _WHAT?!_ " she yelled back.

A bullet suddenly struck the little green gem on Peridorp's head. She stood there, eyes opened wide in shock for a good moment or two, before collapsing backwards onto the dock. Her body twitched a little, and then poofed out of existence, leaving only the damaged Gem.

The shadowy figure stepped into the light, revealing themselves as none other than Chris motherfucking Mclean.

Blowing the smoke from his Desert Eagle, Chris walked over and picked up Peridorp's fractured gem.

"HEY" he asked his companion "YA THINK IF I CRUSH THIS UP AND SNORT IT, I'D GET A PRETTY KICK-ASS HIGH?".

"How the fuck should I know?" Chef replied, coldly stepping out the darkness.

"What do you want me do with her luggage?" he asked, picking up one of her carry-ons. She had _a lot_ of stuff.

"THE SAME THING WE DID WITH THE OTHER TWO'S" Chris said "JUST SELL THAT SHIT ON EBAY, _NIGGA_ ".

The camera then cut to the campgrounds, about a minute earlier. Most everyone was fast asleep in their beds. All except one.

The silhouette of a horned figure can be seen emerging from one of the cabins. Illuminated only by moonlight, they cautiously make their way to a patch of grass, where they then kneel down and begin to eat. Suddenly, a gunshot rings out, startling them. Panicked, they run off.

Then the episode ended.

 **AN: hey guyz whats up its ya boy CLODD HOWARD here. i hope u guyz fucking enjoyed these 2 chappers sorry they were so long i kinda gotta carried away :( the future clappers won't be this long i swear probably anyway i hope u enjoyed them and make sure to leave some goddman motherfuckign reviews i love reviews please leave some anyway thanks :) :) :) :) :) :)**


	6. the shitty talent contest

" _ **LAST TIME ON TOTAL DRAMA ISLAND**_ " Chris announced, arms outstretched.

*The Dodgeball Match from last episode is shown*

" _THE CAMPERS GOT TO LET OUT A LITTLE PENT UP AGRESSION_ "

*A montage of campers getting hit is shown*

" _COMPETING IN A GODAWFUL, OVERLY-LONG, DRAWN OUT_ DODGEBALL _GAME_ "

*The Falcons are shown dominating*

" _ALTHOUGH THE FALCONS TOTALLY DECIMATED THE RATS EARLY ON_ "

*Zarya is shown getting shot in the knee, followed by Sargon and Peridop's fight*

" _ULTIMATELY, IT WAS THE RIVALRY BETWEEN AND SARGON AND PERIDOT THAT SANK THEM_ "

*Periodorp and Sargon are shown getting out*

" _BLOWING THEIR 2-0 LE-_ " Chris goes off script, laughing.

*He is still laughing as the footage rolls*

" _BLOWING A 2-0 LEAD_ " he says, finally calming down " _FUCKIN HELL..."_

*The elimination ceremony is shown, with Sargon flipping Peridorp off as she's eliminated*

" _ANYWAY PERIDOT'S STUPID ASS GOT VOTED OFF"_

*The camera cuts back to Chris*

"WHO'S GONNA GET ELIMINATED THIS TIME? WELL STAY TUNED! CUZ WE'RE ABOUT TO FIND OUT. RIGHT HERE. ON TOTAL. _DRAMA_. _**ISLAND!**_ ".

*The opening Credits play*

Dear mom and dad, I'm doing fine  
You guys are on my mind  
You asked me what I wanted to be  
And now I think the answer is plain to see  
I want to be famous

I want to live close to the sun  
Well, pack your bags cause I've already won.  
Everything to prove nothing in my way  
I'll get there one day

Cause I want to be famous

Nanana'nanaana nana nana na na na na na naa  
I wanna be, I wanna be; I wanna bee famous  
I wanna be, I wanna be; I wanna be famous

[Whistle's to theme]

*It ends*

The camera cuts to the outside Falcon Cabin, the stock song "Fifth Avenue Stroll" playing in the background.

It then cuts to the inside, where Mike and Jay can be seen sitting on their beds, looking at their phones.

"Oh my god, Jay" Mike said, sounding the most fake excited an individual has ever been "Did you hear they're coming out with _another_ sequel to the hit film _Mamma Mia!_ called _Mamma Mia! The Final Chapter_?!".

" **HOLY SHI-** " " _Oh will you two shut up!_ " Chad said, cutting them off as he walked past the frame.

The music abruptly cut off, and Mike and Jay just sat there awkwardly.

****Confession: Anything4viewz****

"We shouldn't of lost that last challenge, alright? That was total fucking bullshit". Chad sounded extraordinarily pissed. "We had their asses fuckin whooped until that, that fuckin little bald prick shot Aleks. And I thought, well ya know, fuck it ya win some ya lose some, we could still fuckin win this. But then fucKING _SARGON-_ " he sounded really pissed now. "That fucking Pea-brain had to go and ruin everything! A-And they just let him do it! No one stopped him! They even kept him on at the end!". Chad sat there, dumbstruck " _It's like I'm the only one with half a fuckin BRAIN on this team!_ ".

****End Confession****

Anyway, while Chad was still pissy that they lost the motherfukkin dodgeball match, Sargon was, for once, looking somewhat happy. He could be seen laying in his pajamas, staring contently up at his phone and laughing a lil bit.

"What's so funny?" Chad asked intensely.

"Oh, uh, it's nothin... just a, just a funny meme is all" Sargon replied.

Chad just rolled his eyes and walked away.

****Confession: Sargon****

"I don't mean ta brag but uh..." Sargon shoved phone very close to the camera "BAM!... ya see that?". He was holding his phone way too fucking close to the camera so it was too blurry to make out. " **14th Place!** " he exclaimed, acting like that was some sort of accomplishment. He pulled it back to himself and smiled pridefully. "Its not much... but, uh, quite an improvement _if I do say so myself_. Let me see, that's... 416 votes for me. Right above, uh, Maerio, followed by Toriel, Dorothy, Remy, and last of all, _**Peach**_ ". Sargon triumphantly held up two british middle fingers " _Get Fucked_ ".

****End Confession****

Speaking of Dorothy, She and the Friz were currently duking it out in the Rat Cabin.

"Just admit it, you burnt it on purpose!" Dorothy yelled, holding up a charred dress.

"Why would I do that? Why?" Miss Frizzle was pretty nonchalant about all this "Why would I _intentionally put your best dress on top of the hot plate I used to cook some smores and ruin it?_ What would I have to gain by doing that?".

"You must have put there by accident and forgot" The Frizz explained.

****Confession: Miss Frizzle****

"Maybe I put it there, maybe I didn't, who knows?" she said, filing her nails "That dress was way too good for her anyway, I mean how could a _substitute_ afford something like _that_? Probably stole it... fuckin cunt".

****End Confession****

"She's right, you do have a tendency of forgetting things" Sophia interjected.

"I do not! Wha- Ma! Why are you taking her side?!" Dorothy said, baffled.

"I'm not taking sides, pussycat, it's just that, well, you're getting older, and I don't wa-" " _Getting older?_ I'm not even out of my 50s!" Dorothy exclaimed "If anyone needs to worry about getting older it's you!". "Me?!" "Yes, _you!_ " Dorothy continued "Last night I found your dentures on one of the benches outside!" "A raccon stole them!" Sophia replied, a laugh track playing in the background.

"Oh come on, ma, you expect me to believe to that?" "Don't get smart with me!". As the two fought, Miss Frizzle simply sat back, amused at the Mother-Daughter discourse.

Just then a FUCKING FLARE shot through the window!

" _RISE AND SHINE BITCHES_ " Chris yelled " _IT'S TIME FOR THE **CHALLENGE!**_ ".

Miss Frizzle just giggled as the two desperately tried to put out the fire the flare started, leaving them to join the others " _MA, GET SOME WATER!_ ".

The scene then transitioned to the outside, where everybody was gathering onto the wooden bleachers.

Zarya had to get there using fucking crutches, her knee heavily bandaged after the last challenge.

"Yo, Zarya!" Frank yelled "Sorry bout the whole, uh, _shooting you_ thing, we cool?".

Zarya just glared at him, and then turned away.

"I don't get why she's so mad" Frank said, nonchalantly taking a bite out a sandwich "It was a fuckin accident, there's no need to be pissy about it. Am I right George?" George wasn't paying attention "Huh?".

Chris stood proudly on top of a large stage, arms outstretched crucifix style.

"WELCOME... _TO THE AMPITHEATER_ " he yelled, thunder accompanying him.

"Is it going to rain again?" Akechi asked, looking to the sky

"NAH DUDE THAT WAS JUST A STOCK SOUND EFFECT... _FUCKING IDIOT_ " Chris said

"ANYWAY, WHAT WE'RE DOING, IS WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A MOTHERFUCKKING **TALENT CONTEST** " Chris paused, allowing the campers to react. All he got was a few small claps and a little "woo". He just stood up there like a dumbass, clearly expecting a much greater reaction.

"...UH, YEAH, _SO_ " he resumed "YOU GUYS ARE GONNA PICK OUT 3 CAMPERS TO REPRESENT YOUR TEAM, SHOWCASING THEIR MAD SKILLS TO BE JUDGED BY MY MAIN MAN _**CHEF HATCHET!**_ ". Chris motioned his arms to Chef, who was sitting behind a small desk, looking absolutely fucking miserable.

"HE'S GONNA GRADE YOUR _SORRY ASSES_ USING THE PATENTED **CHEF-O-METER** (TM)" on cue the Chef-O-Meter (TM) flashed on screen, dinging obnoxiously.

"WHICHEVER TEAM GETS THE MOST POINTS WINS, WITH THE LOSERS HAVING TO SEND ANOTHER SOUL TO **THE DEPTHS OF _HELL_** " he screamed.

"Depths of Hell?" Jerma asked.

"I-I MEAN DOCK OF SHAME, UH, ANYWAY" Chris stammered "YOU GUYS GOT LIKE 8 HOURS TO DECIDE WHO YOU'RE GONNA SEND OUT, YA GOT THAT?". Nobody said anything. "GOOD, THEN LETS _FUCKIN DO THIS!_ " he yelled, firing his desert eagle into the air like a madman.

The scene then cut to the Falcon side, where Anything4viewz could be seen pacing around with a clipboard.

"Olright..., Let's just get this outta the way" he sighed "Do any of you have any _actual_ talent?".

Sargon raised his hand "Ooh! Ooh, I can-" "A-And when say _talent_ " Chad said, quickly cutting him off "I mean like, ya know, cool shit. Can any of you do any cool shit?" he asked. Sargon's hand slowly lowered.

"Maerio" Chad said, singling him out "Can you do anything neat?". The meek plumber shook his head. He used to be able jump pretty high, but ever since Peach's _accident_ , he didn't exactly have the same pep in him that he used to.

"Toriel, can you do any weird... goat woman shit?" He asked. The question sounded a bit racist, but Toriel didn't mind "Well, um, I can crochet pretty well" she offered. "Right, well we're not knitting Chef a fuckin sweater. Anyone else got anything?" Chad said, becoming more dispirited by the second.

Jay suddenly spoke up, "Mike here can chug an entire gallon of Jack Daniels in one sittng" he announced, putting his hand on his friend's shoulder.

" _Really?_ " Chad asked skeptically.

"Yeah. In fact, it, uh, just so happens that I happened to bring one with me" Mike said, pulling out a large gallon jug full of whiskey.

"Ya wanna see me do it?" he asked, eager to become even more intoxicated than he already was.

Chad just sighed "Sure, go ahead" he replied, writing some shit on the clipboard. Hey, at least it was something.

Werner Tautz's "Off Broadway" began to play as Mike drank the gallon of liquor, closing his eyes as the jug bottomed up.

The scene then transitioned to the Rat side, "Off Broadway" still playing.

All the Rats were busy scurrying around, readying themselves to audition and practicing their respective skills. Dorothy could be seen fiddling with some audio equipment, with Sophia preparing her voice nearby. It wasn't a pretty sight; she kept trying to clear her throat but it looked more like cat trying to cough up a fucking hair ball.

Normahn was busy adjusting the settings on a keyboard, and Mr T was sitting on a crate nearby, looking at a piece of paper. "Does this look good to you?" he asked, showing it to his rodent companion. Remy nodded.

Frank could be seen walking through scene, George following closely behind. "Alright, so, uh, for now we'll just try and get everyone organized, and uh... what'd you say you were doin again?" Frank asked. "Baseball, I'm a terrific hitter, once hit three home runs in a row" George announced proudly. "Right, well I'll see if Chris has like a pitchin machine or somethin somewhere..." Frank suddenly pulled out a whistle and blew it, getting everyone's attention.

"Hey Everyone!" he yelled out "If ya wanna try out, ya know, show ya skills or whatever, just, uh, get ya shit together, and we'll get started in like half an hour". George was caught off guard by this statement and pulled Frank aside. "Half an hour? Frank, shouldn't we, ya know, start judging as soon as possible, I mean we don't got all day" he said quietly. "I gotta go find my flute" he replied.

George stood there, baffled, a small laugh track playing in the background. "Your _flute?_ " he asked "It's gonna take you _30 minutes_ to find a _flute_?". It did seem pretty fucking ridiculous. "Yeah, I was goofin around the other day and I dropped it in the lake, It couldn't of gone far" Frank explained. "...Alright, just... don't take too long lookin for it!" George said, trying to put on a smile as his companion walked off.

****Confession: George****

"Ya know this isn't the first time Frank has just 'walked off' when we needed him. Like last night!" George sounded pretty miffed "Goofy was vomiting blood _everywhere_ , and he left to 'go get Chris'" George exclaimed, doing air quotes. "He returned an hour later after Norman and I cleaned it up, eating a turkey sandwich saying he 'got sidetracked'. I mean, *scoff*, who the hell does that?!" he said.

George's disposition mellowed a little bit. "Ahhh... maybe I'm just bein paranoid" he said sadly "For all I know the guy could be out there divin in the lake for his flute, and here I am making him sound like he's a bum...".

****End Confession****

****Confession: Frank****

Frank can be seen rolling a joint full of the "Oregano" from last episode. "Look, the truth is, I didn't _actually_ lose my flute" he confessed, holding it up. "I dropped it in a puddle yesterday and it got a little wet, so, ya know, it wasn't a _total_ lie. It's a little old, a little rough. Still works though" Frank promptly played a little tune on the flute. "Anyway, the reason I left is so I can get a little **toasted** " he said, holding up the joint and putting it in his mouth. "You see, I always play _real well_ whenever I get high..." Frank lit a match and then ignited his joint "...it's like a talent or somethin". "I mean, sure, we _probably_ shoulda started the judging thing as soon possible, but I gotta make sure I still got it ya know!".

Frank took a puff from the joint and sighed in satisfaction "Ahh... _that's the good stuff_ ".

****End Confession****

The camera cut back to the Falcons, Where Mike was still chugging the Gallon full of Whiskey.

Jerma, Jay, and Zarya were all chanting "Chug! Chug! Chug!". Everyone else was just uncomfortably watching him down it like it was fucking air.

Finally, Mike emptied the gallon jug and tossed it to the side, the former 3 cheering him on. It was starting to look a little rough toward the end there, but Mike pulled through. Then he passed out on the ground.

"Alright... that was _somewhat_ impressive, I guess" Chad sighed. "Is he gonna be... ya know, _awake_ to do that again in like 4 hours" he asked, pointing to Mike's comatose body.

"Huh? Oh, uh, probably not" Jay said "Whenever he drinks a Jack Daniels Gallon he's usually out for about a day". "A day!? You Fucki-" Chad held in his anger "If he's going to be unconscious, he won't be able to do it again when it actually _FUCKING MATTERS_ YOU _HALFWIT!"_ he yelled, throwing his pen in Jay's face _"_ We just wasted almost half an hour watching this _**JACKASS**_ get wasted!" he shouted. Jay just stood there awkwardly.

****Confession: Mike and Jay****

"I guess we really didn't think that one through, huh Mike?" Jay said. Mike was propped up next to Jay, still unconscious. Suddenly he started violently vomiting on the floor.

****End Confession****

"ALLOW ME TO ATTEMPT" Zarya yelled, holding up a bottle of Pyatizvyozdnaya "I CAN DRINK SAME AS FAT AMERICAN AND NOT GET EVEN DIZZY".

"No No No! _NO MORE_ _DRINKING!_ " Chad yelled "We're not spending the next 3 and a half hours getting shitfaced! Okay? We're not doing that!". He was pretty fucking fed up "Can't you cunts think of anything else?".

"Zarya" he pointed, singling her out "You're like a fucking bodybuilder, right? Can't you... I don't know, _lift something heavy?_ " he said.

"IS NOT AS FUN AS DRINKING, THOUGH" Zarya replied, effortlessly picking up a nearby log with her free hand.

"Look! Just... just get the heaviest thing you can find and lift it, okay?" Chad ordered. Zarya reluctantly obliged, hobbling off to find something to lift. He turned to face everyone else.

"We gotta take this seriously, guys, we've lost twice in a fuckin row here. We need to get our thumbs out of our asses and start **applying ourselves!** " he proclaimed, slamming his fist in his hand. "Forget about what I said earlier; if you have some sort of inkling of talent, as long as it isn't, ya know, _total shit_ , than starting showin it off. Be it knitting, handstands, singing the fucking ABCS; I don't care, as long as it's good" he said.

"What about a commentary on modern feminism?" Sargon suggested.

"That's... No, mate, we're not doing that" Chad responded.

"Anyway, I want you all t-" "Well why not?" Sargon interrupted. This was supposed to the climax of Chad's big inspiring speech and Sargon was fucking ruining it.

"Why not? Cuz it's a shit idea you Mongo" he replied "No one wants to hear that crap, 'specially not **Chef** ".

"Now, what we need to do is-" " _Well who are you to decide that?_ " Sargon challenged, interrupting Chad's speech once more. If this was some sort of power move, it was a pretty shitty one.

"I-I mean for all the shit you talk about us, you haven't offered anything now, have ya?" he continued. "What your talent... _Big guy?_ " he said. You know that guy from _The Dark Knight Rises_? That goofy CIA agent from the opening scene who gets his ass handed to him by Bane? Sargon was acting a lot like that guy right now.

"I already got my talent figured out, _Carl_ " Chad replied. He knew Sargon hated being called by his real name. "I _can_ and _will_ do _anything_ " he stated "As long as it's for points, _I'm on it_ ".

"O-Oh yeah!?" Sargon stuttered "W-Would ya eat dirt?". Chad picked a clump of dirt off the ground and stared him straight in the eye. " _Gladly_ " he replied, shoving the clod into his mouth and eating it. What a fucking Alpha.

****Confession: Sargon****

"I-It's not like I'm, like I'm, jealous of Chad or anything!" he said, arms crossed, eyes averting the camera. It was pretty obvious that he was, in fact, envious of Chad's confidence and gravitas. "I could eat dirt! I-I just wouldn't... c-cuz it's unsanitary!" he exclaimed "Only an idiot would eat dirt! I'm an **intellectual!** ".

****End Confession****

The camera cut back to the Rats.

Since they had won the past two challenges, Chris let them use the actual stage in order to practice as a sort of reward. Of course, they were totally squandering this since they were about an hour in and no one had auditioned since Frank was still missing. The Rats were starting to get restless.

"Hey, What gives!?" Sophia shouted "I've been warmin up my vocal cords for over an hour now! They're so hot I could cook a salmon off of em!" she said, the laugh track having a fucking hernia.

"A-HYUCK, Yeah!" Goofy added "What's t-t-t-t- _taking_ so long, bruh?".

George looked down at his watch. " _It has been over an hour... where is hell is Frank?_ " he muttered to himself.

****Confession: Frank****

Frank was totally fuckin jamming out in the smoky outhouse. He was playing notes on his flute whilst singing along to a groovy Barry Manilow song. " **At the Copa!** *Flute noises* **Copacabana!** *Flute noises* **The hottest spot north of Havana!** *Flute noises* **At the Co-** "

****End Confession****

The camera cut back to George " _I guess it wouldn't hurt to start without him..._ ".

George turned to face everyone "Alright! Uh... Guess we'll start the judging! Who wants to go first?" he exclaimed awkwardly.

"I'll go!" Normahn said, raising his hand.

Normahn walked up on stage and set up his keyboard. After a few adjustments, he began to play his song.

" _Blueh-Jean Bahbyyyy, LA Lahdyyyy, Seamstrehss for the bahhhhhnnnd_ " he sang terribley. What followed was one of the most godawful renditions of Elton John's _Tiny Dancer_ in human history. Thankfully, it was cut short after Normahn started to fuck up.

" _Now sheh's in meeee, alwhays with meeee, a tiny danceh in my haaahn-_ " Normahn suddenly hit like 5 wrong keys. "Fuck! Uh..." Normahn tried to get back on tune but couldn't. A POV shot of him showed a bunch of shaky boxes with symbols on them floating around his fingers. The symbols kept changing every time he tried press em. People were starting to boo.

"J-Just give me a sec!" Normahn insisted. It wasn't getting any better. It was just getting worse. Just like everything else in his life.

"Alright, I think that's, uh, that's enough" George said, desperate to end this performance "We'll, uh, think it over and get back to you, okay?".

Normahn conceded defeat, walking off the stage in shame. He sat down on a nearby crate, slumping over. "I thought it was alright" Akechi lied, trying to reassure his friend.

"Let me show you how it's done!" Sophia announced, getting up on stage. She put a cd in her little boom box and began to sing.

" _SOMEBODY CROWD ME WITH **LOOOOOOVVVEEEE** , SOMEBODY FORCE ME TO **CAAAAAAAREE** , SOMEBODY LET ME COME **THROUGH** , I'LL ALWAYS BE THERRRRREEE JUST AS FRIGHTENED AS **YOU** , TO HELP US **SURVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVEEE** , BEING **ALIIIIIIIIVVVVVEEE** , BEING **ALIIIIIIIVVVVVVVEEEEE** , BEEEEEIIINNNGGG **AAAAALLLLIIIIIIVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEEE**_ " she sang beautifully. Well, as beautifully as an 83 year old woman singing _Being Alive_ from the Musical _Company_ could be.

Everyone applauded her (Including the live studio audience), which just made Normahn feel even worse.

"Alright, that was pretty good!" George said, writing some shit down on a clipboard.

"I told ya, pussycat" Sophia gloated as she walked past her daughter.

The camera cut back to the Falcons' side.

Zarya had summoned all her might and all her strength, taking down an entire tree with one punch and holding high above her. She held it high for a solid 5 seconds, only dropping it when her legs started to wobble. Pretty impressive, considering her _injury_. This feat was met with a subdued applause.

"Okay, that was pretty good..." Chad said, writing some shit down on a clipboard "You think you could do that with like a, like a car or somethin during the actual show?".

"*Huff* Easily..." Zarya panted.

"Cool. Okay, next up: **Jerma!** " Chad shouted.

Jerma walked up in front of everyone.

"Well, uh, hello everyone. My name is Jermey Harrington" he announced "And, uh, my talent is... Oh, what's this?".

Jerma walked over to Anything4viewz "Chad ya seem to have little, uh, little something behind your ear— ** _WABAM!_** ". Jerma suddenly produced a coin from behind Chad's ear " ** _PRESTO MAJESTO!_** " he yelled. A few of the Falcons clapped at this feat. Others, like Sargon, were unimpressed.

"Pfft, _a magic trick?_ " he scoffed "I mean, come on, that's fuckin-" "Oi, shut it!" Chad said, cutting him off "I'm team leader here, alroight? I make the decision". Chad turned to face Jerma "We're not doing your shitty magic trick" he explained. Sargon could be seen holding arms out in a surprised manner, almost as if to say "wot the fuck m8? you just stole my thing".

"Why don't ya do what you were doin the other day" Chad offered "Ya know, couldn't you do a handstand for like 20 minutes?".

"What? No... no I was just goofin around. This is my real fuckin talent! I've been into magic since I was a kid! I went to fucking magic camp every summer until 7th grade; I'm great at this shit!" Jerma insisted.

Chad honestly couldn't give a shit "Look, just... do the fucking handstand! I can _guarantee_ you that Chef will not be impressed by **30 something year old manlet** doing magic tricks". Jerma wanted to protest, but he knew it would be no use. "Fine" he said, assuming the handstand. As Chad walked off to check on some other shit, Jerma glared at him angrily.

****Confession: Jerma****

"Ya know, come to think of it, why wasn't I put on the Rat team? I'd be fuckin perfect for them" he questioned "Have you seen my _Rat Movie_ videos?". Jerma pulled out his phone showed it to the camera. A video with crappy animation and sound started to play. A bunch polygonal rodents could be seen scurrying on a poorly rendered boardwalk. " _Rats, we're rats, We're the Rats. We prey at night, we stalk at night, We're the Rats_ " they sang " _I'M THE GIANT RAT THAT MAKES ALL OF THE RULES..._ ". "This has almost over a million views" Jerma said.

****End Confession****

Speaking of Rats, that's where the camera cut to next.

Goofy had just gotten done comically failing to juggle some bowling pins he just had for some reason. They all three landed on his head, and a little bump like in the cartoons appeared on his head. He then dizzily fell off the stage with a large crash.

"Are you alright?" George asked, concerned.

Goofy gave a shaky thumbs up "A-A-A-All g-good, brother!".

George looked down at his clipboard "Okay... Dorothy! You're up next". Dorothy took her cue and walked on stage. "And you said here your talent is... _stand up comedy?_ " George asked skeptically. "You got it!" Dorothy replied. " _This should be good_ " Miss Frizzle could be heard muttering.

Dorothy took the microphone in her hand and cleared her throat "So there's this doctor, right?". " _ **Right?**_ " Miss Frizzle shouted " _ **How should we know? You're the one telling the story here!**_ ". Dorothy briefly lost her train of thought. She nervously cleared her throat again "S-So there's this doctor. He's, uh, he's from Botswana". " ** _Must be a pretty shit doctor!_** " Miss Frizzle heckled. A few of the Rats laughed at this. Dorothy was starting to lose her patience. "S-So the doctor, when he was a kid, his Dad used to tell him all kinds of stories about America. And so when he grew up, he wanted to go to America. So, he saved up some money, he brought a plane ticket, he-" " _ **Can we get to the joke already?**_ " Miss Frizzle interrupted.

"Will you let me finish!?" Dorothy yelled "Why are you trying to sabotage me? We're on the same team!". "I'm just doing what the Falcons would do!" Miss Frizzle replied, defending herself "You think I'm being brutal? Imagine what old man-boobs other there is capable of!". The camera cut to Chad, who was currently berating Mario. "Jump!" he ordered, "I-I can't-a!" Mario replied. "Just jump you fucking pasta-gobbler!" Chad yelled, giving Mario a good slap. The camera cut back to the Friz "I mean, _seriously!_ ".

"No offense, Dorothy" George said "but, uh, I gotta agree with Valerie on this one".

"I haven't even gotten to the punchline yet!" Dorothy protested.

"Trust me Pussycat, that doctor fella not getting pickles on his Cheeseburger isn't nearly as funny as you think it is" Sophia said, the live studio audience howling with laughter. Ironic.

Dorothy knew she was beaten. Shamefully, she walked off stage. How pathetic.

Speaking of pathetic individuals, the camera cut once more to Falcon side.

After Chad's failed attempt at getting Mario do the jumping he was famous for, plus Peach's godawful rendition of _Twinkle Twinkle Little Star_ , he was basically just letting everyone make him do stuff, practicing his "will do literally anything" routine for the talent contest. He climbed a tree, smashed a couple bottles on his face, and even let Zarya punch him in the gut. He was remarkably endurant for a fat cunt.

Anyway, the contenders for the Flaming Falcons were chosen. Zarya was gonna show off her strength; Chad was gonna do whatever the fuck Chef wanted; and Jerma was gonna do a handstand or some shit. It was gonna be perfect... ya know, hopefully. While they practiced their shitty talents, everyone else just kinda sat around and did nothing. Well, almost everyone.

"Hey, uh, Tory?" Sargon said "Chad already picked everyone he wanted. You can... ya know, _stop knitting now_ ". Toriel had been busying knitting for the past like 5 hours. She had already made 2 entire sweaters, 3 pairs of socks, some mittens, and a funny beanie with a smiley face on it with the words "Have a good day!" stitched underneath.

"Oh! Um... I'm just tryin to... keep busy, heh!" she replied, forcing a smile. That was only half true.

"Are you, uh... you olright?" Sargon said, a bit concerned. Her fake smile wasn't all that convincing.

Sure, she could tell him. She could tell him how her life was a fucking joke. She could tell him about the how the only reason she was here, on national television making a complete ass of herself in front of millions, was because her only friend, a vulgar fish woman, talked her into it while they were both heavily intoxicated. She could tell him about how her recent divorce from her husband, Asgore, basically killed any self confidence she had in herself, along with making her a nervous wreck. She could tell him about how her son, Frisk, went off to college and left her alone in that big, stupid, empty house. She could tell him all about how unless she won the 5 billion cash prize, her son will most likely be in student loan hell for the rest of his life since he decided to pursue a Liberal Arts Degree, and that she, by extension, would be a failure of a mother to her only surviving child. Oh yeah, her other two kids died while they were young. _Almost forgot about that_.

And yeah, sure, she could tell him about how the conditions on this godforsaken island were absolutely hellish. She could mention how most of the people here were either complete jerks, or were just not very pleasant to be around. Not to mention the borderline psychotic host. She could make a comment about how being nice to everyone, _everyone_ , in this goddamn filthy fucking rathole prison disguised as the set of a reality show was really starting to wear her down. She could bring up her utter embarrassment and shame at what had transpired last episode. How she was so desperately hungry that she had to resort to eating grass in the pouring rain like a fucking wild animal. How Akechi, one of the few people on the show who seemed like a genuinely normal, well-adjusted person caught her in the act, and now probably thought she was a total weirdo. How one of her most closely held secrets was probably caught on camera and was now public information to millions of viewers back home, not to mention potential blackmail should Akechi choose to use it against her. If he was that kind of person. She just didn't know. Sure, he didn't tell his FBI buddy about it, but why? _Why didn't he tell him?_ Toriel could tell Sargon all about all of this.

But that wouldn't be very appropriate now, would it?

"F-Fine! I swear!" She insisted, doubling down. It was pretty obvious that she was not fine, but I guess Sargon didn't want to pursue it, or was just too stupid to notice or something I don't fucking know. Fucking YouTube skeptics.

"Well uh, olright! Just, uh, make sure ya don't... work the fur off your bones! heh..." he said, doing awkward little finger guns.

"Will do!" she replied, giving a thumbs up.

She waited until he left to drop her façade, sighing sadly and resuming her knitting.

****Confession: Toriel****

"I-I just like **knitting!** " She exclaimed, holding up a half finished scarf "I-It's not like it's a _coping mechanism_ for when I'm sad or stressed or something!". "I-It's just... **fun** , ya know!?" she nervously chuckled.

****End Confession****

The camera cut to Jerma, who was currently pissing behind a bush. "Oh, well isn't that fuckin lovely..." Chad commented.

"Hey, Hey! Gimme a fuckin break!" Jerma defended "Some guy's fuckin **hotboxing** the only outhouse on this side of the island. He won't come out. There's fuckin smoke pouring out of it".

"Has anyone seen my phone?" Sargon asked. No one was paying attention. Sargon tried again " _Excuse me_ , has anyo-"No, _cunt_ , no one's seen ya phone" Anything4viewz replied, fed up with fucking everything in existence. "Coulda swore I had it earlier..." Sargon could be heard muttering

Jerma continued "But yeah, he wasn't coming out. It was real weird. It sounded like he was singing or some shit. Singing and playing the flute. It sounded _awful_." he said.

Sargon was still desperately looking for his phone "...Where the hell is it?!" he exclaimed, looking under rocks and shit where Jay was sitting.

"Where the last place you had it?" the slightly inebriated internet film critic asked. Sargon thought for a bit, and then snapped his fingers in revelation.

"The toilet! That's where it is. I musta dropped it when I was dancin" and with that, Sagon was off. Jay just sat there, a bit disappointed that Sargon hadn't bothered to say thank you.

The camera cut to the Outhouse where Frank was, smoking emanating thought the cracks in the door.

****Confession: Frank****

Frank is seen still fucking jamming out whilst playing the flute. " **Country Rooaads** *Flute noises* **Take me Homeee!** *Flute noises* **To the placeee** *Flute noises* **I belonnggg!** *Flute noises* **West Virgi-** " Suddenly the door opened. "Oi! That's my phone, dick!" An angry British voice yelled. A hairy arm entered the frame, trying to take the phone that "Country Roads" was blaring out of. "Hey wait, no! I need this!" Frank said, holding onto it. The two struggled for a bit before Sargon yanked the phone back, pulling Frank to floor with it. A cracking sound could be heard.

"My Flute! Oh gohd!" Frank slurred. The music cut off "You fucking mong…" Sargon said out of frame "and ya drained the fuckin battery too!" Sargon could be heard yelling, kicking Frank, who grunted in pain. The sound of Sargon walking off could be heard along with a quiet "Prick...". Frank just layed there, offscreen, moaning in pain.

****End Confession****

Anyway, the camera cut, once again, back to the rats. Remy's shitty "make a meal out of some berries and mushrooms you found in the woods" talent wasn't exactly impressive (though it did taste good). But do you know what _was_ impressive? The sick-ass tightrope-walk that Miss Frizzle was currently doing.

The Friz had set up some platforms and tightrope on the stage, and was currently showcasing her epic balance and inner equilibrium. She was holding a pole for balance, with like 5 textbooks on either end. A lot of the Rats looked petty impressed. Some didn't (like Dorothy) but most seemed enamored by her presentation.

"Did you know *huff* that Charles Blondin *huff* walked a tightrope over Niagara Falls over- *huff* over 300 times?" Miss Frizzle taught, breath strained by the load she was carrying. No one really seemed to care about that shit but whatever. She reached the other side and everyone applauded.

"Very nice, Val!" George said gleefully "Very nice indeed...". Miss Frizzle smiled pridefully as George wrote her name on the clipboard. "Okay, next up we hav- huh?" George was distracted by a noise in the distance. Turning to face it, he discovered the source. "Hey everyone, Frank's back!" he exclaimed. A sweaty and dirty Frank was approaching the amphitheater. He was out of breath, like he'd been running, and he looked like he had just spent the last 5 hours in a dingy, smoky, disgusting outhouse.

"Hey Frank!" George went to embrace him, but never actually hugged him, as he was quite stinky "Yeah hey George...". "So, you find ya flute?" George asked. "Huh? Oh, uh, yeah... yeah I got it right here" Frank replied, holding up the poorly taped together remains of his broken flute. A laugh track played as George stared in shock at the disheveled instrument. "What he hell happened to it?" he asked. "Oh, uh, a-a Barracuda got to it" Frank offered. Once again, George was baffled. "A _Barracuda?_ ". "Y-Yeah, I was just divin in the lake lookin for my flute, and uh, I got into a fistfight with a Barrucuda who uh, uh- H-Hey how are the try outs comin? I see ya started without me..." Frank said, eager to change the subject.

"Oh they're going great!" George responded chipperly "I've already got Sophia and Valerie down, and I think Mr T and Remy really hav-" "Whoah whoah whoah, wait" Frank interrupted "What about us? What about _me?_ I spent 5 hours divin in the lake for this thing and ya tellin me ya already got everyone?".

"Well, uh, ya know, you took too long and plus, I mean, your flute's not really-" "It still works!" Frank interjected. "Ya know, it uh..." Frank held up the flute to play a note, but it fell apart in his hands "ya know it could use some work, but that's fine. I could get this thing good as knew by the time the show's ready!".

"Shouldn't you actually, ya know, try out like everyone else?" George asked.

"Why would I need to do that? I told you I was natural with this thing. What, ya don't trust me? When have I ever steered you wrong, Georgie?" Frank said. George flashed back to Episodes 3 and 4, where Frank got him high on PCP and put him in charge of their shitty dodgeball team. One of George's favorite shirts was ruined by the blood from that deer he _eviscerated_ , and he still had fractures from last episode. I mean, they did win both challenges...

"I don't know Frank..." George said. Frank put his hand on George's shoulder "Trust me George, _it'll be fine_ ". George thought it over for bit, but finally relented "...Alright!" he said, throwing his arms up. "That's good, George, real good. So who's next?" Frank asked.

"That would be me, Mr Reynolds" Akechi said, coming up behind him. He was holding a checkered circular board with numbers on it. "What the hell are you supposed to be doin?" Frank asked skeptically. "Oh! I thought I'd show off a little _dart throwing_ for the competition. I'm no professional, but I'm actually quite skilled at it. Back in Tokyo I-" " _Darts?_ " Frank balked "Yeah, I don't..." Frank started to laugh "I don't think so kid, we ain't do fuckin **_DARTS!_** _**Eheheh!**_ ". Akechi just stood there, somewhat confused, as Frank laughed at him. Frank finally calmed down "Heh... Alright, let's get a real fucking contender up here..." he said, walking off screen.

****Confession: Akechi****

Akechi held up his dart board, showing it to the camera. All three darts were lodged in the triple 20 square; a perfect score. "I'm fairly good at it, I don't know why Frank was so against it...". Akechi flicked one of the darts on the board, causing it vibrate.

****End Confession****

The camera cut to Mr T standing on the stage, holding a piece of paper.

"Alright T, go ahead" Frank said.

After clearing his throat, Mr T began to read. Soulful, emotional music played as he read.

 _"Into my heart, an air that kills_

 _From yon far country blows._

 _What are thos-"_

"Whoa whoa whoa, what the hell are you doing?" Frank asked.

"I am reciting Alfred Edward Houseman's _Into my Heart an Air that Kills_ " Mr T explained "It is one of my favorite poems".

"A _poem_? You're reading fucking _poetry_?" Frank thought the idea was ridiculous. Mr T looked quite offended.

"Poetry is one of the highest forms in literature in existence. If done right, a reading can be downright beautiful, captivating even. Frankly, _I pity the fool who can't appreciate a good poem_ ".

Frank remained unconvinced. "Maybe if you actually _wrote_ the poem. Is this the type of shit we're accepting? Who do we got down so far?" he asked, snatching the clipboard from George. He guffawed at what he saw. "'Sophia- _Singing_ ' Singing? That old broad can sing?".

"Who you calling old, Short stack?!" Sophia yelled. More canned laughter played. Frank continued to read down the list

"And look here 'Goofy- _Juggling_ ' why was that rejected? A good juggle could put a smile on anyone's face, especially someone like Chef! Tell you what, why don't we just go through everyone's act again, just to be sure". No one liked that suggestion, as evident by the mass groan that took place thereafter. "Now now, hold on! It aint gonna take long! We still got uh," Frank looked down at his watch " _3 hours_ left. It won't take but a few minutes!".

In reality, it took about another two hours. What followed was a """""hilarious""""" montage of everybody trying out again. Normahn once again played his shitty rendition Elton John's _Tiny Dancer_. It was just as godawful the second time. Dorothy finally got to tell her joke without Miss Frizzle Heckling her. It was just as unfunny as Sophia said it would be. And Frank got to see just why Goofy didn't make the cut, as the cartoon dog once again severely injured himself on stage in front of everyone. All in all, the only thing in the lineup that actually changed was Sophia was cut to make room for Frank, as the former ended up accidentally spitting out her dentures during her performance.

In the end, it was George, Miss Frizzle, and Frank who were going to represent the Rats. Their combined Baseball hitting, Tightrope Walking, and Flute Playing skills would surely earn them their victory, right?

"We'll be fine, right Frank?" George asked.

"...Course" Frank replied, coughing as he smoked a cigarette.

 ***Commercial Break***

 **AN: Yo, New year New me. Coming right back at you with another fucking Episode. It's been done for awhile, at least the first half has. Please endure these commercials and I swear I'll get the second half out as soon as I can. I hope you all enjoy this chapter in the meanwhile. As always, make sure to SMASH that motherfucking review button**


	7. the shitty talent contest part 2

Anway, after the godawful commercials were done, the show finally came back on.

Werner Tautz's "Starlet Express" played as the camera focused on the amphitheater. It was nighttime now, and both teams were scurrying about getting ready for the talent show. Illuminated by the glow of the spotlights, the camp members rushed to aid their respective teams.

On the Falcon side, the camp members could be seen prepping themselves. Chad was busy mentally preparing himself, sitting in deep concentration whilst Mario massaged his fat shoulders. Zarya was curling some of the weights she brought with her, with Sargon having been given the ''''exciting''' job of counting for her. "400... 401... 402..." he counted. And Jerma was practicing his compact 5'2 handstand. Mike and Jay were supposed to be spotting him, but they were too busy talking about movies or some shit, so they didn't notice when Jerma lost his balance and fell "Guys- _GUYS_ " he shouted before falling face first into the dirt. And last, but not least, Toriel was given the illustrious job of making sure Peach didn't choke on her own drool. She sat there, continuing to knit, whilst Peach stared off into the distance with her same cold, unfeeling, retarded gaze she always had. Except this time she was wearing a freshly knitted scarf and beanie.

On the Rat side, things were less focused. Frank was focusing on buffing out the kinks on the his flute. He had managed to glue or tape most of it back together, to the point where it actually looked somewhat functional again. I mean it still looked like shit, but, you know. Goofy and George and managed to find an old baseball pitching machine in a shed, and so George was using it to practice his batting whilst Goofy operated it. Unfortunately, it only came with one ball, so Goofy had to go retrieve it each time George hit a home run. It was a very inefficient system. And lastly, Miss Frizzle was practicing her tight rope walk. She didn't really need help, not even anyone to spot her. In fact most of the Rats were just sitting around doing nothing.

Sophia was still bitter about losing her spot to Frank, so she just sat there with Dorothy, bitterly making remarks and eating her spaghetti dinner " _'Too old'_ he says, a ' _gross old lady_ ' he says. He's just lucky your Great Uncle Frederino isn't still alive, otherwise he'd be breathing through a tube by now!".

"I thought Great Uncle Frederino was Priest?" Dorothy asked.

"He was" Sophia confirmed. A laugh track played as Dorothy realized the implications of that statement.

As everyone else did their thing, the camera focused on Normahn and Akechi, who were sitting on some crates near the stage. "What's Japahn like, Goro?" Normahn asked. "Fine I suppose, a bit crowded, at least Tokyo is" Akechi replied.

"Tokyho eh? That where you live?" Norman asked. "Yes, I've lived there my whole life. It's... a bit stuffy. I'd like to leave, maybe move somewhere else, but right now it's just not possible" Akechi responded.

"What, you got a lotta family there or somethin? Mom want ya to finish school first?" Normahn asked. "No, I live by myself" Akechi replied.

"By yaself? A kid like you? In highschool?" Normahn seemed surprised by this. "Yes, that's right" was all Akechi said.

"Well I don't... mean ta _pry_ or nothin but were you thrown out or-" "If you must know, Agent Jayden, my mother died when I was very young, and I never knew my father. I've been living by myself for awhile now". Normahn was taken aback "Oh... Well, uh, *ahem*, Ah'm sorry to hear that Goro. I really ahm...".

An awkward silence fell between the two. Normahn felt as if he had just stepped on a landmine. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat and finally spoke up "Uh, ya know over at the Eff BEE Eye where I work, they teach us ta, ta profile people. Me especially, I work as a profilah. A lotta tha, tha people we work with and investigate, they often times got similar situations to what you got and-" "Are you... trying to _imply_ something about me, Agent Jayden?" Akechi asked. Another landmine "Well no no no! I-I didn't mean it that way! A-All I meant was-".

Akechi laughed "I'm only teasing, Jayden, I know that's not what you meant". This assuaged Normahn somewhat "A-All I meant to say was thaht, compared ta them, y-you really seem to got ya life in order. I mean, you've got a job, you're doin well in school, ya really... not letting that mess with ya. I-I'm sorry if I drahgged up some, some bad memories or whateveh, I jus-"

"You don't have to worry about that. There was... pain, of course, but I've moved past that. I don't mind speaking about it if you're curious, but I'd rather just put all that behind me" Akechi replied.

"Well thaht's, thaht's, t-thaht's good! T-Thaht's a good mindset! _If only more criminals thought like you did!_ Heh! Eh..." Normahn awkwardly said. Unbeknownst to the both of them, another, horned figure was listening. Though they didn't make their presence known.

The uncomfortable silence resumed between the two. Normahn had treaded in dangerous waters, and seemingly survived, but at what cost? He seemed desperate to move their conversation in a different direction. "...Soooo... You play vidya?" he asked.

"Vidya?"

"I-I mean video games!" he quickly corrected. I guess all those years infiltrating 4chan had gotten to him. Akechi smiled "Oh, well yes, I, I do play video games".

"W-What kind?" Normahn asked. Akechi thought for a bit "Mmm... mostly old retro games. 2D Side-Scrollers, Platformers, those sort of games". "Oh what, like Mario?" Normahn asked. Akechi chuckled "Actually, I'm more of a _Sonic man_ myself".

"Really? _Sonic?_ After all the shit he's gone through?" Normahn was, unfortunately, highly educated on Sonic's history. Years of infiltrating /v/ on a wild FBI Goose Chase will do that to you. Akechi just shrugged "Hey, ** _Sega does what Nintendon't_** ".

Suddenly a _VERY LOUD_ whistle rang out.

" **OKAY EVERBODY SHUT THE _FUCK_ UP**" Chris screamed.

Everybody stop what they were doing and looked up at the stage. It appears Chris finally decided to wake up from his coke induced coma and actually do his fuckin job. Thank God

"WELCOME... TO _THE MOTHERFUCKIN TALENT CONTEST **BABY!**_ " he shouted, fanfare and dramatic music accompanying, along with Chris firing an assault rifle into the air. After he unloaded his clip, he began to speak.

"THE FIRST EVER IN WAWANAKWA _HISTORY!_ " he pointed to the crowd, and by extension the screen "6 OF YOU UNLUCKY BASTARDS ARE ABOUT TO GET UP ON STAGE TO BE JUDGED IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE WORLD. YOUR _EMBARASSMENT_ , YOUR _SHAME_ , YOUR _UTTER INCOMPETENCE_ ; IT'S ALL ABOUT TO BE BROADCAST TO MILLIONS. THESE BETTER BE SOME KICK-ASS TALENTS, GUYS. I HOPE YOU DIDN'T WASTE THOSE _8 HOURS_ WE GAVE YOU JUST FUCKING AROUND. _THAT'D BE REAL FUCKING HUMILIATING_ ". For some reason the camera focused on Frank, who coughed a bit.

"WELL, UH, ANYWAY, LETS GET TO THIS FUCKING THING. YOU READY CHEF?" the camera cut to Chef, who was sitting at a small table, looking like he wanted to die "ALRIGHT, FIRST UP: _GEORGE COSTANZA_ FROM THE RAPACIOUS RATS!". The campers on the Rats side applauded George, who waved as he walked on stage.

Chef could be seen wheeling a baseball machine onto the stage. "You ready for this, _Baldy?_ " he asked.

George scoffed and did that iconic smug expression like in that meme reaction picture " _Am I ready?_ ".

The baseball machine then fired a ball at George. George, being the master batter that he is, easily deflected the ball, sending it well above the treeline. " _You call that a pitch?_ " he mocked. The machine subsequently fired several more balls at George, with him hitting each one out of the park. The Rats clapped for their fellow team member. Chef looked unimpressed.

"Very good, _Combover_ , Very good... BUT" the camera panned out to reveal Chef standing behind the baseball machine, except this time there were two more baseball machines " _What if there were 2 more?_ ". George looked shocked by this. I'd be too, the two new baseball machines just kinda appeared outta nowhere.

"Whoah, whoah, whoah, **hey!** That isn't apart of my act! I'm only doin one here, okay? _Alright?_ Now let's jus-" Geroge was cut off by a baseball being shot into his fucking hip. " _OUHG_ " he grunted, the live studio audience laughing at his pain. Then all at once a barrage of baseballs pelted George. He was fucking flogged by the damn things. He tried to deflect them with his bat but it was no use. The laugh track just increased with intensity with each ball that hit him. The fucking live studio audience was going wild. " _What the hell is that?!_ " George screamed as the baseballs destroyed his body. The laughter did not stop.

By the time it was over, George was laying on the ground, a whimpering, beaten, and bruised mess. The patented Chef-O-Meter (TM) appeared on screen, giving George a whopping score of **3**. His teammates clapped out of pity.

"WELL THAT FUCKING _SUCKED_ " Chris judged, taking a drag from his cig. "NEXT... FIRST UP FOR THE FLAMING FALCONS: _ZARYA!_ " The Falcons applauded their Russian weightlifter as she took the stage. She disappeared behind the curtains for a bit, but soon came out pushing what appeared to be car onto the stage.

"IS THAT MY FUCKING MERCEDES?" Chris asked.

Zarya took the Mercedes Benz and lifted it high above her head, grunting a mighty Russian grunt. Her muscles bulged as she held the thing. She appeared to be struggling. Her legs could be seen buckling, especially the one that was injured from the last episode. Suddenly her bad leg gave out, and Chris's Mercedes came toppling off the stage, crashing onto the ground below.

" _MY CAR!_ " Chris yelled, rushing to his destroyed Mercedes. Zarya had fallen to the stage floor, clutching her knee and screaming in pain. " _YOU STUPID DYKE!_ " Chris yelled, putting out his cig in Zarya's eye, causing her even more pain. As he did this, the Chef-O-Meter once again appeared on screen, showing that Zarya's shitty weightlifting only earned her **2** points. Chad could be seen facepalming in the background, Zarya moaning in pain the foreground.

****Confession: Zarya****

"I WAS TOO WEAK... _STUPID LITTLE AMERICAN MAN..._ " she muttered, rubbing her bandaged knee where Frank shot her last episode.

****End Confession****

Well anyway, after those two _**Disasters** _of a performance, it was time for the Frizz to go up. Finally, someone who's actually competent

Setting up her tight rope on stage, held by two tall platforms and suspended high above some spike traps (which were added to enhance the "danger aspect" of the performance), Miss Frizzle mentally prepped herself. _Coincidentally_ she just happened to choose today to wear her "Tight Rope Walkers of the World" Dress, which featured pictures of many famous tightrope walkers, like Fydor Molodstov, Pablo Fanique, Adili Wuxor, and Nikolas Wallenda. I have no fucking idea why she had that dress in the first place, or why she packed it at all.

Having climbed up the ladder to the first platform, she picked up her balance beam (Which now had 10 textbooks on each side to enhance the spectacle), took a deep breath, focused all her energy, and began to walk across. It was quite the sight. Seeing a simple school teacher like the Frizz preform an act of balance, coordination, and strength like that. Walking across the tightrope like a majestic Crane. I'm sure if her students back home were watching, they'd all be impressed. You know, if any of them were still _alive_ after that last field trip to the North-South Korean Demilitarized Zone. Fucking irresponsible bitch.

The Camera then cut to the bleachers. On the Falcons' side, things were a bit tense. Everybody was focused on the Frizz. Well, everyone who mattered. Mike and Jay only halfway gave a fuck as always, but Chad, Sargon, Mario, and Zarya all looked nervous. Chad especially. He just stared as she walked along the tightrope, eyes wide, fist under chin. Sweat dripping down his fat back.

Things were mostly the same on the Rats side. All watched with piqued interest as Miss Frizzle meandered across the rope, steadying the obtusely heavy balance beam. Most hoping she wouldn't fall. Most. Dorothy didn't look too impressed, to be honest. She just crossed her arms and glared at her. The Friz noticed this, and smirked as she took one foot off, readjusted her grip, and majestically flipped the hair out of her face before resuming her walk. She was showing off, and it was magnificent. Dorothy just sat there and seethed.

****Confession: Dorothy****

"You know, I had high hopes when I first met Valerie. Two teachers from diferent, yet similar walks of life. A pair of women in our age bonding over our children and teaching experiences. I thought we'd get along great! But for **WHATEVER REASON** she's just decided to **SINGLE ME OUT** l-like some sort of **ENEMY!** The **WHOLE TIME** we've been here! Well- Heh! If she thinks I'm gonna sit back and take it, then she is _sorely mistaken!_ " She said confidently " _ **Dorothy Zbornak**_ is **NOT** a doormat, no **_SIR!_** "

****End Confession****

Summoning all her confidence, Dorothy stood up from the bleachers and cleared her throat, readying the zinger she'd be thinking up all day. "Hey Valerie!" she shouted, getting the Frizz's attention "What do you call a person whose _ENTIRE JOB_ is to make sure children don't wet themselves?" she asked. The Rats all turned back and looked at her, with Frank smoking a cigarette " _An Elementary School Teacher_ " she said defiantly. The whole live studio audience laughed and applauded at her as she stood there, bathing in the dignified weight of her punchline. No one else did though. They just kinda looked at her awkwardly.

The Frizz just laughed "Really? Well that's quite the joke, Dorothy! I can see why thought _stand up comedy_ was your talent" she said before readjusting her grip. "Hey! *huff* Here's a joke!" she panted, lifting her balance beam high "What do you call a _pathetic_ , _talentless_ , easily replaceable sack of _dead weight_ whose job a plank of _wood_ could fulfill?".

Miss Frizzle suddenly tossed the balance beam in the air, far in front of her above the approaching platform. She promptly did a sick ass cartwheel across the remaining stretch of rope, balling up and POPPING up to catch the beam as it fell "A **_Substitute_** Teacher!" she said grabbing the balance beam and landing gracefully. Applauds erupted from both sides (as well as a few chuckles) as she finished her act, reveling in her smug self satisfaction. The laugh track just blared as the camera cut back to Dorothy, fuming furiously and shamefully out of her nose as everyone clapped. It didn't help that her _own mother_ Sophia was laughing and clapping along too "Ahaha! Oh... that's funny, Hahaha!" the old woman laughed. Dorothy stared daggers into her. Sophia quickly let up "...Sorry pussycat..." she said.

****Confession: Sophia****

Sophia is seen still laughing " _What?_ " she giggled, holding her arms out " _It was funny!_ Hehe..." she chuckled to herself

****End Confession****

"...The fuck was all that about?" Mike could be seen muttering to Jay. Jay just shrugged

As Miss Frizzle climbed down the ladder, the camera panned to Chef, who was barely paying attention. " _PSST, CHEF_ " you could hear Chris 'whispering' off screen " _GIVE THE FUCKIN SCORE, MAN_ ". Chef just sighed and hit a button on his table. The Chef-o-Meter (TM) popped on screen, dinging Miss Frizzle a **7**. The Rats' applauded their teammate. All except Dorothy who just sat there in impotent rage, The Frizz smirking at her as she took her seat.

Next up was Jerma. Oh boy

Jerma sat on bleachers, eyes closed and in intense focus. He was psyching himself up, rocking his head back and forth to an imaginary beat "Hoo… _Hooo…_ " he breathed. "HEY FUCKFACE YOU GONNA GET UP HERE OR WHAT?" Chris shouted. Chris's insults did little to deter Jerma's motivation "Alright... **_Alright let's do this!_** " He shouted, standing up and jogging up to the stage. The Falcons applauded their shorter-than-average teammate as he took the stage

"Fuckin Finally..." Chad could be heard muttering.

Jerma walked on the stage, the spotlights shining down on him "Hello everyone. My name is, uh, Jeremy Harrington. Today I'm gonna show this, uh, nice little talent of mine, a handstand-" " _BOOO!_ " Frank heckled " _Boring shit!_ ". Jerma just forced a smile, tolerating it. A cut away to Chef showed he looked ready to kill himself.

"Well, uh *Ahem* without further ado, here we go!" Jerma said, flipping over assuming the handstand position. A little clap could be heard as he did so, but that was it. It certainly was a handstand. "Hooo, Alright... just gotta hold this for the next 20 minutes and- oh, _oh no_ " he said, his nose twitching "I think I feel a bit of a, bit of a sneeze comin on!" he exclaimed. It sounded extremely rehearsed. Many of the Falcons could be seen raising an eyebrow at all this. '"I think I'm gonna- gonna-! Ah... Ah-CHOO!"

riGHt as he sneezed, a cloud of glittery smoke POOFED onto the stage. Much of the stage, include Jerma was obscured. Some of the smoke even filtered into the audience, causing some contestants to cough. When it cleared, Jerma was standing upright again, cape around his neck and top hat on his head, holding his hands out wide _**"PRESTO** **MAJESTO!**_ **_Haha!_** ". Everyone looked confused, though some were intrigued. Jerma just continued " _Ladies and Gentlemen, coming to you in his second ever performance..._ _The **MASTER** **OF** **ILLUSIONS**_ **!** " he proclaimed, his arms outstretched, confetti shooting out of his sleeves.

Grandiose music followed his reveal, along with a genuine applause from many of the other campers. All except Chad, who sat there dumbstruck.

****Confession: Anything4viewz****

"Oh my God..." he said despairingly "...We're gonna lose the fucking challenge"

****End Confession****

"Now, If I may!" Jerma said quite bombastically. He sounded like the ringmaster at a circus. But he was more of clown tbh "Can I _PLEASE_ have a volunteer for my show!". He put his hand under chin, exaggeratedly scanning the audience.

Predicatably, his gaze fell on Chef " **Chef Hatchet** ; _come on **down!**_ " he announced, him clapping and a few campers following. The Grandiose music resumed as a spotlight shone on Chef. He looked as unenthusiastic as a human being could possibly be. Chef glared over at Chris, who was standing in the darkness off to the side of the bleachers. The host of this godawful show gave him two thumbs up, smiling wildly with his crack-addict teeth. Chef just sighed and walked on stage.

Jerma continued with his spectacle as Chef took the stage, sitting on chair that, along with a table, "magically" appeared on stage. "Now tell me Chef; Do you believe in... _Magic?_ " the short streamer posed, pointing out his wand. " **No** " was all Chef said. Jerma just chuckled "Ah, well you _WILL_ by the end of this; _THAT_ I can assure, Ahaha _Hah!_ " he laughed, really hamming it up. A few of the other campers laughed with him. Chef just sat there, his eyes as cold and dead as always.

Jerma continued "Now, to start off with... How about a little Parlor trick, eh?" he proposed. "Here in my hand I have a, have a simple quarter, see?" he said, holding a quarter up "But this quarter is no ordinary quarter; this is a _MAGIC_ QUARTER! With the ability _ **transmortificy** _itself into any mark of currency! Be it a..." Jerma flicked his hands around a bit "Hoo- A nickel!" he said, holding a nickel up "A... Dime!" another flick of his hands "A... penny! A Half dollar! A... _Sacagawea!_ " he shifted through all the denominations of it. "But!" he stopped "With the help of the magic words: **_PRESTO MAJESTO..._** this tiny coin can become a LEGITMATE, BONAFIDE LEGAL TENDER **ONE HUNDRED _DOLLAR BILL!_** " he proclaimed "But only if you say the magic words... Will you say them with me, Chef? _**Presto Majesto?**_ " he asked.

Chef just sat there, glaring at him "...Sure" he said.

"Alright! On the count of three; One... Two... Three! **_PRESTO MAJESTO!_** " Jerma shouted "Presto Majesto…" Chef grumbled. Jerma did some crazy shit with his hands, holding out and presenting a $100 bill to Chef in the end. "And THAT is how you do it!" he said, the audience clapping.

Chef took the $100 bill from Jerma's hands and examined it "...This is a monopoly dollar" he said. A close up on the bill revealed that it was, in fact, a One Hundred Dollar Monopoly Bill. Totally fucking worthless irl.

Jerma struggled to answer for this "Uh... Um..." suddenly a bunch of change fell out of his pockets. The coins he'd used for his "magic" earlier. They loudly _**CLANGED**_ on the stage while Jerma just stood there, awkwardly sputtering like an idiot. " ** _...P-P-PRESTO MAJESTO!_** " he shouted again, obnoxiously clapping and forcing another, more subdued applause from the audience. Anything4viewz could be seen facepalming. Chef just groaned and tossed the bill into the breeze.

"Now uh, *AHEM*! For our next trick, uh..."

As Jerma's shitty magic show continued, the camera cut over to the Falcons Bleacher.

Most of the contestants were doing their best to support Jerma, offering applause and little "WOO!"s every time something "magical" happened. "Just take a little, uh, _gander_ into this deck'a cards here..." the manlet magician could be heard saying. Some, obviously, weren't as supportive. Like Chad, who sat there in defeat at how he let this happen. Even Mike and Jay were more enthusiastic than him, though that's probably because, as always, they were drunk " _YEEAHHH... GOOO JERMAAAA!_ " Mike could heard slurring.

Toriel wasn't that thrilled either. She'd run out of yarn about 15 minutes ago, and had nothing else to do besides offer little " _Yay..._ "s and " _Go Jerma…_ "s that were drown out by everyone else's. She was, quite frankly, bored, and her mind was still too preoccupied with the whole Akechi business to focus on what was going on.

She looked over at Goro in Rats bleachers. He was sitting with Normahn, completely oblivious to her troubles and just enjoying watching Jerma make a fool out of himself.

"...Now we just shuffle these up. And give em a little flick-" a whole deck of cards flew out of Jerma's hand, fluttering and falling onto the stage. His performance was shaping up to be more of a comedy than a serious magic show routine.

Toriel just sighed and looked down. " _Might as well do something..._ " she thought to herself, holding out her hand. Curling it in a fist, she threw it down and released opened her palm, like lighting a lighter. A small, purple flame sparked just above her palm, glowing softly in the night air. A tiny smile formed on her face as moved it about, manipulating and playing with it with her fingers and little claws.

" _ **WHOAH!**_ " a surprised voice rang out. "Wha-?!" Toriel got spooked and lost her focus, the tiny flame in her hand going out. The voice belonged to none other than Chad, who looked shocked as fuck at what he was seeing " _ **What the fuck was that?!**_ " he exclaimed at her.

"Oh uh..." A small blush rose in Toriel's cheeks. She seemed embarrassed someone had caught her "S-Sorry, I was bored so I figured I'd do a little pyromancy to-" " ** _Pyromancy?!_** Y-You mean fucking _**Fire Magic?!**_ " he exclaimed. Chad was an avid player of World of Warcraft, so he knew these terms quite well.

"Um... Y-Yes? It's just a little thing I can do..." Toriel admitted.

Chad was absolutely baffled "Wha-! _Well why the fuck didn't you tell us earlier!_ That's fucking **AWESOME!** It would've been _PERFECT_ for the contest you _TWIT!_ " he shouted angrily. Strangely, no one else heard or paid attention to this altercation. They were all too engrossed in the shitty magic show. "Why the fuck didn't you volunteer to do that shit?!" Chad yelled.

"I-I don't know!" Toriel responded "I was just kinda stressed today and it must've slipped my mind and-" "Stressed?! _You're_ stressed?! Bitch, Jerma's up there pulling cards out of a fuckin hat!" Chad fired back.

The camera cut back to Jerma's shitty magic show.

"And now, Chef... is _THIS YOUR CARD?!_ " he yelled, pulling the 5 of Hearts out of his top hat. " **No** " Chef responded bluntly. "What about... _THIS CARD_ , EH?!" Jerma replied, pulling out 8 of Cubs. " **No** " Chef said again.

The camera cut back to Chad and Toriel.

"-And you're telling me you could've been doing **_ACTUAL MAGIC_** this whole time?!" he finished.

Toriel panicked "I'm sorry! I-I just forgot! I didn't mean to-!" " **Whatever!** Whatever, _it's fine!_ Just...!" Chad sighed, rubbing his face "...Whatever". He wanted to yell his lungs out, but he couldn't. He couldn't focus on that now. After Jerma, Chad was the last hope for his team. He had to keep a cool mind. Keep focused. He couldn't afford to be angry right now.

Toriel just sat back, looking worse than she did before, tears welling in her eyes.

****Confession: Toriel****

She looked ready to cry "...I'm _s-sorry!_ " she cried, lightly sobbing " _I don't wanna do this anymore..._ " she whined, wiping a few tears out of her eyes and sniffing.

****End Confession****

Well anyway, while that depressing scene came to a close, the camera cut back up the _even more depressing scene_ on stage, where Jerma was _still_ doing his shitty magic show.

" _Is this over yet?_ " Sophia could be heard complaining.

"Just a second, alright? This is our last act!" Jerma shouted, slightly breaking character. He turned back Chef "And now, Chef... For our _Final Act:_ The **Hammer Trick!** " he said, pulling out a hammer, cloth, and watch.

By this point, Chef was pretty fed up too. " **You want a hammer trick? Fine!** " He said, grabbing the hammer, yanking Jerma's hand down and **_SMASHING_ **it with the fucking hammer. " ** _AGH!_** " Jerma shouted in pain, falling down and rolling on the floor, gripping his broken hand. The performance abruptly ended as Chef stomped off stage, the Patented Chef-o-Meter (TM) appearing on screen and dinging Jerma a score of **4**. Wow, really subverted my expectations. Just like _The Last Jedi_. Fuck you Rian Johnson.

" _prespo majespo…_ " Peach could heard gargling.

 **Anyway next up was Frank, fucking finally.**

Frank could be seen getting ready, polishing his dilapidated ass looking flute. "Alright, that's good..." he muttered. He suddenly took out a joint and lit it, sticking it in his mouth and taking a drag "Ahhh…".

"Hey!" Normahn exclaimed "Is thaht _Marijuahnah?_ " he questioned, like the good FBI Detective he was.

"What, ya gonna fuckin snitch?" Frank chewed out. George also looked shocked by this "Wha- Frank! You're _tokin up_ before you go on?! he asked exasperatedly.

"Yeah" Frank responded nonchalantly "It's part of the act. You'll see" he said getting up.

George was fucking flabbergasted "Wha-, What do you mean _part of the act?!_ You can't just-! You...!" his complaints fell on deaf ears, as Frank just ignored him and walked to the stage "Ooh! That's some **hard** shit..." he could be heard muttering.

The camera cut to like a few minutes later. Frank still hadn't gone on, and the stage was empty. People were starting to get impatient. "Hey, H'YUCK, heh; What f-f-fucking hold up, BRos?" Goofy asked retardedly. "YEAH, _WHAT THE FUCK'S HE DOING?_ " Chris also asked, taking a little hit from his coke spoon. The camera cut to Frank back stage, still smoking that joint he had earlier. There was a little back stage area back there, with a dresser mounted mirror and chair to get ready at. By this point Frank's high had officially kicked in, and he was staring at himself in the mirror, trying to hype himself up by reenacting a scene from one of his favorite movies: _Taxi Driver_.

" _You talkin to me?_ " he asked his reflection " _You talkin to ME?_ ". This was a very great scene in Taxi Driver, as it emphasized Character Travis Brickle's growing mental instability and his desire to prove himself as a "man", as well as showing off Robert De Niro's acting chops. Frank, being the fucking incompetent buffoon he was, was of course butchering it "Well I'm only one here; You talking to _ME?! Oh yeah?_ Okay... _WAPOW!_ " rather than a gun, he pulled out his barely held together flute and flung it around like nunchucks, making kung fu sounds in the process. He looked like a fucking idiot, but was too high to care. He just laughed to himself "Yeah, hehe..." and walked onto the stage.

He coughed a bit as he took the stage, eyes red from weed. "Yeah hey everyone, today I will be uh... *Ahem* I'll playing a little tune for you all on my, uh, my flute" it was obvious to everyone that he was high as a kite, and many Rats just sat there in almost disbelief at what they were seeing. "It's called, uh, _They Can't Touch Her_ or some shit by Bernard Hermann. I think, uh..." None of the Rats looked confident in this.

Frank just shrugged "Well here we go"

What followed was, quite possibly, one of the most beautiful woodwind renditions of a _They Cannot Touch Her_ that existed. It was a subtle, magnificent tribute to Bernard Hermann's work, and to the film _Taxi Driver_. The audience was entranced. Even Chef took notice. Despite the wear and tear on the instrumentt, Frank had managed to still competently play it, and his enhanced skills from being high just made it all the better. It was like watching a master at work. Like that time at E3 where Sony got that to guy to go out on stage and play the flute for like 5 minutes. It was incredible

I'm lying of course, because that from Frank's perspective. In reality it was fucking atrocious.

" _Augh!_ " **OW!** " " _ **EUGh!**_ " Many campers cringed, covering their ears.

Like that E3 Conference, not only was Frank's performance a shitshow, but it was also cringe-inducingly embarrassing for everyone involved. Except whereas that man at E3 actually had talent, Frank had basically none. If Frank's flute playing skills truly were enhanced by the weed, you couldn't tell, because that flute sounded like it was being flushed down a soviet era toilet. Ear piercing shrill cries of a dying woodwind instrument being huffed into by a short, fat, disgusting man who was sweating like a wildabeast.

You know those ShittyFlute covers of songs that you can find on YouTube? It was a lot like that. Except those were ironic. But this was unironic, which just made it terrible, but not in a funny way. It didn't help that the amphitheater speakers were just blasting that shit as loud as possible. You couldn't even tell what he trying to play. Halfway through he just switched to Frankie Valli's _Can't Take My Eyes Off of You_ , and even started singing.

" _OOHhHh PRETTY BAaaaABYYYYY! DONT BriNG mE DOWN I PRay! OH PReTtY BAaaBbBYYyYY_ " Frank sang terribly. No one was enjoying this. Not even ironically.

Sohpia pressed harder against her ears "I gave up my spot for _this?!_ " she could be seen saying, the laugh track just adding to the assault of ear cancer that was already blasted at the fucking campers.

Finally, Chris had had enough. "FUCKING HELL" he shouted, holding one of his bleeding ears and firing blindly at the stage with his Deagle. The shots didn't deter Frank, until one of them hit a hanging speaker. The speaker landed in front of him, creating a hole in the stage, with the wooden board he was standing on buckling like in a _Tom and Jerry_ skit, sending him flying.

" ** _WhOAh!_** " he slurred, flying through the air and landing in the dirt in front of the Rats' bleachers. George just grimaced as Frank laid there, moaning in pain. The Chef-o-Meter (TM) appeared on screen, dinging Frank, unsurprisingly, a **1**.

****Confession: George****

George could be seen looking down, defeatedly muttering "Frank..." whilst shaking his head.

****End Confession****

Finally; _Fucking Finally_ was the last performance: Anything4viewz.

So for those keeping score back home, the totals are currently **11-6** in favor of the Rats. If the Falcons wanted to pull a win here, they need a pretty good one. And no one knew this better than Chad. It seemed fitting then that his talent was basically just doing whatever Chef wanted.

"Alright Chef, I got a good one for ya" Chad said, walking over and putting his hands on Chef's desk. The pressure was on for him, and he was a bit sweaty. Well, more than usual "My talent is... _whatever tha fuck you want it to be._ Name it, I'll do it. Whatever you want; I don't give a fuck" he offered.

Chef just glared at him "Oh yeah? _Anything?_ " he asked.

"Yeh" Chad responded.

Chef's death glare didn't let up. Dramatic, stinging music play as he reached under the table, pulling out a Revolver. He loaded a bullet in and spun the chamber "How bout this then, _Tubby?_ **_Russian Roullete._** " he said, sinisterly placing the gun in front of him. Chad gulped and looked down at the gun. He had done a lot of borderline suicidal stuff in his life. Like setting himself on fire, strapping a shock collar around his neck, eating disgusting poison cakes...

But putting a fucking _gun_ to his head?

"Uh, a-alright" he stammered, picking it up.

"OH SHIT, HE'S GONNA DO IT; YO GET THIS ON FUCKING CAMERA" Chris could seen saying, another shot showing the camera zooming in on Chad and the gun. He twiddled with it for a bit, nervously contemplating the act. Finally, he shakily put it under his chin, pulling back the hammer.

Dramatic music played. Everyone was on edge to see if he'd do it. Normahn looked worried; Akechi watched with peaked interest. Many Falcons couldn't believe what was happening " _Mamma Mia... Is he-a really-a about to..._ " " _There's not a really bullet in there, right? I mean there can't be..._ " Mario and Jerma whispered. Sargon just shushed them.

The music swelled. Sweat poured down Chad's neck. He breathed heavily, working up the courage until finally he sucked in, pulling the trigger.

 ***Click***

" _Oh thank fuck_ " Chad sighed, laughing a sigh of relief as his teammates cheered, all happy he had won and survived. Well, almost all. "Yeah... 'woo'..." Sargon sighed, unethusiatically clapping. Chad just basked in his victory, the patented Chef-o-Meter (TM) flashing him a score of **9** "Yeah, betta luck next time _cunt_ " he gloated, giving the gun back to Chef and then flipping him the bird.

Chef opened revolver and looked at the cylinder. The very next chamber was the one holding the bullet. "Goddamnit…" he muttered. The music swelled as Chad was applauded, taking off his shirt off and swinging it around "Yeah Boys! That's how ya fuckin **DO IT!** " he boasted, his fat belly jiggling.

Defeat settled onto the Rats. The final score was **11-15** , and they'd lost. Frank, who'd been unconscious through Chad's whole act, finally woke up. "Ugh..." he moaned, gripping his head "What happened; did we win?" he asked, totally oblivious. The other Rats just glared at him.

 ***Commercial Break***

 **AN: Oh shit more commercials guess they really need that fucking Ad Space just like YouTube haha no but seriously just fucking bear with me here I swear to god most episodes won't be this long this is the last commercial break this episode, next ep hopefully won't be a 3 parter like this one.**


	8. the shitty talent contest part 3

Well anyway, after those fucking stupid ads got done, we finally got the back to the show

It was still night, and it was sometime after the talent contest. Though not time for the elimination ceremony yet

The camera focused on the outside of the communal bathroom, the stock iMovie song "Park Bench" playing in the background.

The camera then cut to the inside of the bathroom, Where Mike and Jay were sitting together looking down at a phone. Abba's "Dancing Queen" could be heard blaring out of the phone's tiny speakers. Some guy had managed to steal the footage for _Mammia Mia! The Final Chapter_ and had uploaded it on a free movie site. Mike and Jay had just finished watching it, and were about to begin their Half-in-the-Bag episode on it.

As the credits finished, Mike and Jay both sat back in their chairs, neither saying a word. They both looked like they just lost part of their souls. Mike popped the cap off a beer and took a sip. _A very long sip_. Jay just sat there. The two sat in silence for about half a minute, before Jay finally spoke up.

"So Mike" he sighed "What did you think of _Mamma Mia! The Final Chapter_?"

"Well Jay, um" Mike started "I don't think ever described a movie as **horrific** before, uh, I've seen bad movies, like really, _really_ bad movies, like _Jack and Jill_ or... _Star Wars Episode 9_ ya know shit like that. And in those movies, it felt like, like the director just didn't care, or that he really just wanted to get paid and go home, like there wasn't a-an actual effort put in. But in this movie... I don't' know, it feels like the, uh, the people involved actually cared. Or at least they tried to. It didn't feel like just another uh..."

"Like another cashgrab" Jay finished.

"Right, it felt like the director, and the actors, and the writers and producers were all doing their best. They were all giving their A game. It felt like there was an actual _vision_ behind this film, and that they all just..." Mike pushed is hands in a crushing motion "came together to try and fulfill it... but that vision was just **_fucking terrible_** " Mike finished, getting a small chuckle out of his companion.

"W-What did you think, Jay?" he asked.

"Uh, pretty much the same thing... It never really felt like it was incompetently made, like you said, but it was just... bad. I mean I don't even know where to start..." Jay replied.

"Can we talk about the rape scene?" Mike interjected.

"Uh yeah, we'll get to that, lets just get everything else outta the way first" Jay said.

Mike suddenly turned to the camera "Okay, real quick, uh, **Spoiler Alert** for all you... _Dancing Queens_ out there!" he announced, chuckling somewhat. "First off, **Do not go see this movie** " he said.

"Yeah, if you were a fan of the Original two _Mamma Mia!_ movies or you're just looking for a movie to watch with your husband or wife or whatever, I can guarantee that _you will not enjoy this movie_ " Jay added. "If you still wanna watch it, don't spend like 20 bucks at a movie theater, just watch it online like Mike and I did. There'll be a link in the description, uh, hopefully it'll still be up by the time this videos airs"

"It probably won't" Mike commented "But I mean, you could still probably find it online if you looked hard enough; its unavoidable" "Right, right..." Jay finished.

"Alright, now that that's out of the way" Mike said "Let's get into the movie. So _Mamma Mia 3_ takes place about..."

Thankfully, the camera cut away from those two hack frauds who were distracting from the _very exciting_ game show they were on, and instead cut to the treeline of the forest. Just below the shot, you could hear what sounded like shouting, from both males and females alike.

The camera then cut down to the ground level, where the Rats could be seen arguing with each other.

"Now Now, hold on! Hold the _fuck_ on!" Frank yelled "My flute got chomped on by a fucking _pirahanna_ , okay? That's not my fault!".

"Frank, I thought it was Barracuda?" George asked.

"Yeah Yeah, Barracuda, whatever; Point is, that shit's not on me!" Frank exclaimed.

"If it was damaged, then why did you _INSIST_ on going up there in the first place?!" Dorothy yelled.

"Yeah, H'YUCK, ya made us look like a bunch'a d-d-d-d _UMMies!_ " Goofy added.

Unsurprisingly, a lot of the Rats were pretty pissed at Frank for his shitty performance, as well as his antics earlier during the practices and shit. Not every Rat was present, but those who were were really hammering into him. Even George, who had done his best to stick by Frank, was starting lose faith. The fact that he was associated with him, as well as sticking by him earlier during the practices was really dragging his name through the mud. It didn't help that his preformance was also pretty lackluster. Though that was mostly because Chef was being a cunt, though no one focused on that.

"...S-So you can't blame me for that! That-, T-That fuckin _Sargon_ guy or whatever came in a-a-and fuckin _**jumped me**_ while I was just tryin to take a shit! Fucked up my lungs and everything; TOTAL **_Sabotage!_** " he insisted, doubling down on blaming _anyone_ else for their loss. No one was buying it though.

****Confession: Frank****

"I don't know what everyone wants outta me; These things just fuckin _happen_ , ya know!? I can't be blamed for _every little thing_ that goes wrong!" he said "So what if I wasn't there for the tryouts? S-So what if my flute wasn't in the best shape?" he exclaimed, pulling the little woodwind instrument out. It was hanging together by a thread, which collapsed and the whole thing fell apart " _...Fuckin Shark ate it_ " he said unconvincingly.

****End Confession****

Miss Frizzle was particularly ticked off.

"Honestly, Frank, that performance was downright _embarrassing._ It was the most painful thing I'd listened to since I took my class Whale Watching. But even whales have some sense of auditory awareness. Even if the flute didn't look like you'd sat on it, which you probably did, I highly doubt a _fish_ caused _that_ much damage, it _still_ would've been a disaster" she roasted.

Frank raised his fingers at her like Paulie from the Sopranos "Don't you fuckin start with me, Frizz. Alright? I don't wanna hear that crap" he said sternly.

Miss Frizz didn't give a shit "No, Frank. I don't care what you _want_ to hear, this is what you _need_ to hear. What you _need_ to get through your **thick little Neanderthal _skull_** is that you just cost us the competition tonight. You made us look like _idiots_. And if you think for one second that we're not going to vote your pudgy little **white ass** off at the bonfire ceremony, you're even stupider than you fucking look" she spat at him.

"You wanna fuckin go, bitch?!" he said, provoking with his hands.

"Oh just try me, Frank. I swear to God I'll wipe the floor with you" she countered, readying her fists. She did have 3 Black Belts to back that up.

George stepped in "Whoah whoah whoah, _STOP_ , alright?! There's NO NEED for this to ESCELATE!" he said, trying to cool things down.

Frizz just scoffed "Oh for fuck's sake George, will you _**grow a pair?**_ What are you, his **_cocksleeve?!_** " she spat. George looked hurt by this, and surprised Miss Frizzle had used that kind of language with him, since she had always seemed so nice before.

At this point, Mr T had decided to step in too "Now, let's keep some level heads here, huh? We need not resort to violence or harsh words. As the great Mahatma Gandhi once said: ' **In a _gentle_ way, you may shake the wor-**'" "You fucking too, _Laurence!_ What's your _deal?!_ " Miss Frizzle demanded.

Mr T balked at her question " _ **Excuse me?**_ " he asked sternly. The Frizz wasn't intimidated at all "You heard me; what's hell's up with you? You're such a fucking pansy!" she spat out " _OoHh! I'm Mr T and I'm an elightened PACIFIST now!_ I'm too good to play **dodgeball** with all you _heathens!_ Look how great I am by reading Tolstoy and quoting Gandhi! _OoHohOo!_ " She mocked.

Mr T was fuming with anger "You best stop that ** _right now_** , or else I'll-"

"Or you'll what?" The Frizz mocked "Oh, you'll hit me? Beat me to the ground? Wouldn't that violate your _'Peace Vow'_ or whatever the fuck you took?" She said, doing air quotes "Gimme a break... God, what happened to you? Are you gay now or something? Take it up the ass a few times? Fuck's sake..." she said, spitting out some gum she was chewing. Mr T was **red** with **rage** , like a bull ready to charge. The only thing holding him back was his own desire to do no harm. Though even that was starting to waver.

Miss Frizzle just continued "Jesus Christ, What the fuck is wrong with you all? Is this seriously the _state_ of our team?" she asked. A few of the other Rats looked appalled by how Miss Frizzle was acting. The conversation had rapidly shifted from Frank's fuck ups to her going on some bizarre power trip describing what was wrong with everyone, like she somehow believed she was better them all. A far cry from the pleasant, educative persona she had always put up. Now they were seeing the real side to her. The Bitch Side.

"...Of course, at least I don't try to _actively sabotage_ my own teammates in the middle of important fucking contests, unlike SOME people!" She exclaimed, pointing her gaze at Dorothy. " **Ex _cuse_** **_me?_** " the golden girl asked. "Oh don't play fucking dumb, Dorothy; I know what you were trying to do! That shitty little excuse for a 'joke' in the middle of my tight walk? What, was that just you trying out some 'new material' for your stand up act? News Flash; you have as much wit in you as **dead fish** " she snapped.

Dorothy just seethed, all her anger spilling over "You know what, Valerie..." she gritted "I've had just about enough of you...! What the _HELL_ is your problem with me, **HUH?!** WHAT did I _EVER **DO**_ for you treat me like this?! Like **_DIRT!_** " she exclaimed.

The Frizz just laughed "You wanna know my problem with you, Dorothy? Fine; my problem with you is that you're a _substitute teacher_. A fucking substitute. A failure of a student who probably didn't even get their _degree_ in college, and yet still have the GALL to call themselves a **teacher**. Like you and I are comrades; we're not. We're not friends. We're not equals. We're not anything. Stop trying to act like you're hot shit. You aren't. You never were. You're washed up and old. And the fact that I've done more in my life despite being almost **_20 years_ **younger than you says a lot, doesn't it?"

" _ **OH!**_ " Sophia exclaimed angrily "You better **WATCH IT** lady, that's my _**DAUGHTER** _you're talking about!" she yelled, angrily raising a finger at her.

"Oh shut the fuck up Sophia, Jesus Chirst" The Frizz said dismissively. Dorothy held her fuming mother back, though part of her didn't want to.

The Frizz just continued on her rant "It's time you all started _appreciating_ everything I've done for this team. The only reason we even had a CHANCE tonight was because of me. Everything else was a shitshow. Once we vote off Frank tonight, there's gonna have to be some _serious changes_ to how we do things. I'm gonna flip this team upside down; no more losses. And that's a promise; _there's a reason why my kids always score the highest in the state, and why I don't have to discipline any of them anymore..._ Fuckin hell" The Frizz popped another piece of Nicorette gum "See you all at the bonfire..." she groaned, marching off screen. All the Rats just glared at her.

****Confession: Goofy****

"Buh-Buh-Buh-BITCH..." he said, crossing his arms.

****End Confession****

****Confession: Sophia****

"I never liked her" she said, angrily shaking her head.

****End Confession****

Attention shifted away from the Rats.

The camera cut back to the Communal Bathroom, where Mike and Jay were still reviewing _Mamma Mia! The Final Chapter_.

"I mean the whole 'Singing a gleefully evil song about how you get away with molesting your dance students' thing, I... I jus-" Mike struggled to comprehend what he had just watched, Jay cracking up next to him "-I-It just seems so bizarre to me that something like that would actually exist in a movie. It's even more baffling that Kevin Spacey agreed to do it!". Mike pulled out his phone to look up some shit "Considering all the allegations surrounding him, you'd think he'd distance himself from the movie, but no, he's fuckin proud of it!". Mike started reading from his phone "'In a recent interview with NPR, Spacey said that his role as an antagonist in the latest _Mamma Mia!_ movie was the quote ' _Funnest_ _role I've played in years_ '".

Mike looked up from the phone, astounded. "The scene where he _**brutally rapes Miranda Cosgrove**_ ; the ' _ **FUNNEST**_ **_ROLE HE'S PLAYED IN YEARS!_** '" Mike yelled, Jay erupting in laughter. "GOOD. _FUCKING._ _ **GOD!**_ " he exclaimed, before taking another sip from his beer.

"And then there was the fucking _suicide_ scene!" Mike added.

"Oh yeah!" Jay said, still laughing "Like uh, a day or two after the ' **On Stage Rape Scene** ', Pierce Brosnan walks in and finds the two of them dead in like a murder-suicide or whatever. That was so fucking random! I mean I'll give em that, I didn't see it coming, but lik-"

Mike cut Jay off "The fact that it happened right after, _literally seconds after_ the cheery highway overpass dance number probably had something to do with that" he added.

"A-And that's another thing, the entire 'Kevin Spacey is a rapey dance teacher' subplot just kinda goes nowhere after that. It just ends. Those two characters are never brought up again. I mean, the main characters act sad for little bit but then next scene: Merhyl Streep's character is trying decide what dress she should wear to her date and then they start dancing to another ABBA song!" Mike yelled. He was really flustered by this point. "I mean what the fuck was the _point_ of those two characters?! They meant _nothing_ to the plot! Their story took up like 30% of the movie and they just _ **die**_ halfway through! **_They just fucking kill themselves!_** " Mike hadn't been this worked up since they reviewed _The Boxtrolls 2: Brothers in Arms_.

"Well Mike!" Jay interjected "Wait, they do come back! You remember? At the end of the movie when Colin Firth's character collects the 5 chalices-". "Oh _God!_ " Mike yelled, cupping his head "I forgot about the fucking **Dark Magic** subplot!" he groaned.

"Yeah, he obtains the-, the **5 chalices of power** and manages to, uh, resurrect them, and there was a joke about how Miranda Cosgrove's character still wished she was dead, you remember?" Jay continued. "I wish I didn't..." Mike muttered, rubbing his face.

The camera cut to the door, where the sound of budging could be heard coming from the outside. Someone was trying to get in, but was struggling.

Finally, they managed to force it open, pushing aside the large pile of beer bottles covering the entrance. It was Jerma.

"What the hell's with the doo- **Jesus Christ, What the fuck!?** " he exclaimed.

The entirety of the Communal bathroom was like that. Every couple of feet there another pile of empty beer bottles or cans. At one wall, the one Mike and Jay were sitting in front of, the entire lower half was obscured by a huge pile of empty _Spotted Cow_ brand beer bottles. In one of corner of the room, there were a few small replicas of major landmarks, like the Eiffel Tower, recreated using bear cans. I guess they must've gotten bored in their free time. Rather than reek of shit and piss like most communal bathrooms, this one reeked of booze, and there appeared to small puddles of alcohol next to a few piles. _Basically_ , the room was a fucking mess.

"Hey Jerma" they both said in unison.

"What the hell have you two been doing in here!?" he demanded, still in shock.

"Oh, uh, Mike and I have been using the bathroom to film our last few _Half-in-the-Bag_ episodes. Actually we're recording one right now, you wanna join in?" Jay offered.

"Uh... Sure, I guess" Jerma said reluctantly. "Do you guys have like a chair or something?" he asked.

"Yeah, over there in the corner" Jay answered.

"Good God... how the fuck does a room even get like this?" Jerma asked, navigating his way over to set up their spare folding chair.

Mike just shrugged " _I dunno_ " he and Jay then both took swigs from their drinks and threw them behind them, adding to the pile.

"So, uh, what movie are you guys reviewing?" Jerma asked, taking a seat and taking a beer.

"We're reviewing _Mammia Mia 3: The Final Chapter_. Or as Mike and I like to call it: _Mamma Mia 3: The Final Nail in Merhyl Streep's career_ " Jay replied, a slide whistle sound affect and zoom in on Mike's miserable face accompanying, along with a News Article titled "Merhyl Streep says she regrets reprising her role in latest _Mamma Mia!_ Film".

"Oh... I'm guessing it wasn't that good?" Jerma presumed.

Mike answered "No... it was... it was _pretty terrible,_ actually _._ Hey wait, Jay, let's get Jerma's input on this" he said, motioning the below-average-height live streamer closer to them. "Take a look at this clip from the movie" he said, holding out his phone for the trio to watch.

You couldn't see what they were watching, but you could hear it. You could hear Miranda Cosgrove's pained screams. **_"Come here you little slut!"_** a manly voiced could be heard saying.

"Oh god... w-why the fuck is the girl from iCarly getting raped by... is that Kevin Spacey?" Jerma said.

"Yeah, Yeah that's him, that's Kevin Spacey" Mike clarified. " _ **You fucking whore!**_ " Kevin Spacey could be heard yelling, followed by rough, slamming sounds and screaming.

"Why isn't anyone doing anything?" Jerma asked.

"They think it's part of the show" Mike explained, the sound of Miranda Cosgrove sobbing filling their ears.

The clip ended with everyone in the audience clapping, and with Jerma confused.

"So what'd you think, Jeremy? Did that seem a little... _too real_ to you?" Jay asked.

"Uh... w-what do you mean? Do you mean lik-"

"Do you think the filmmakers used **_actual real life footage_** ** _of Kevin Spacey sexually assaulting Miranda Cosgrove_** in their movie?" Mike clarified. Jerma thought this over in disbelief.

"No... no no t-that couldn't happen!" Jerma said "T-That's... No! No...".

" _Really?_ " Mike said, intrigued.

"You don't think they did it?" Jay asked.

" _No!_ " Jerma was appalled by the very thought "There's no fucking way that's what happened!".

"That's interesting. According to this twitter poll" Mike said, pulling up his phone "Out of about 400,000 people, **76%** said that the _Kevin Spacey Rape Scene_ felt 'uncomfortably real'".

"That doesn't mean anything!" Jerma exclaimed "Miranda Cosgrove's probably just a good actress, I mean she had like her own Nickelodeon show, right?"

"Didn't she only get that role 'cause she let Dan Schneider touch her feet or something?" Jay asked.

" _NO!_ T-That's n-not _true!_ T-That's..." as Jerma tried desperately not to believe what he was hearing, the camera cut to the Rats' Cabin

There, Akechi could be seen sitting on his bed, peacefully reading a book. He and Normahn had separated from the group earlier and had gotten to Cabin before everyone else, so they weren't present for the Frizz's little rant. So while Normahn was getting a little shut eye before the elimination, Goro just sat back and browsed his copy of _Infinite Jest_ , a book he had picked up when he first started getting into English Literature. It was a bit overrated, he decided.

 ***KNOCK* *KNOCK***

The noise of someone at their cabin door drew Akechi from his book. Normahn was still napping, so he decided to answer it in his stead. As he opened the door, he was somewhat surprised at who was knocking: Toriel.

"Uh, H-Hey Goro! Er, Akechi; whatever you prefer to go by, heh..." she said, awkwardly laughing. Akechi seemed a bit confused at her presence, but decided against turning her away

"Oh, um, Hello Miss Dreemur. Can I... help you?" he asked.

Toriel fiddled a bit "Uh, Yes; Er, I mean No! I..." she sighed. She was pretty nervous, and it was showing. She had finally decided to take action about the whole business that happened the other day, but was blowing it. Akechi just stood there while she tried compose what she wanted to say. Finally, she spoke again "I, uh, I wanted to say... SORRY for how you guys lost today. That must really stink..." she said.

"Oh, well... thank you, Miss Dreemur. That's very kind of you. Is that all you wanted to discuss?" he asked

" _NO!_ I... um" Toriel fumbled with words again. Akechi raised an eyebrow at the way she yelled, though remained as calm as ever.

"...I-I also wanted to say that... I'M SORRY for the other day. When it was raining and... _You caught me grazing._ It wasn't very dignified of me, a-and I'm sorry you had to see me like that" she said. "And as a, um, APOLOGY, I... made you these!" she said, forcing a little smile and handing him a pair of blue socks she knitted.

"Oh, alright" Akechi said, awkwardly taking her 'gift' from her "Thank you, um... Are these _Sonic the Hedgehog_ socks, Miss Dreemur?" he asked, examining them. They had little prints of the eponymous blue hedgehog on them, with even little flaps where his quills went out.

"That's right!" Toriel exclaimed "I, uh, overheard you talking with Norman earlier about how much you like Sonic, and the pair I was making were already blue so I just figured-"

" **You heard that conversation?** " Akechi asked, looking up.

Toriel sputtered a bit "...J-Just the tail end of it! Heh..." she lied.

Akechi looked at her, almost into her. Right into her heart. Like he was examining her very soul, looking for any trace of object or intent. His brown eyes just staring her down as they stood there. Like an animal determining **threat**. Toriel felt almost intimidated by his gaze, until she heard him laugh, his friendly demeanor soon resuming.

"Well _thank you_ , Miss Dreemur, I appreciate the sentiment" he said, smiling warmly yet never taking his eyes off her. Toriel still felt kinda weirded out, but went along anyway.

"N-No problem! Think of it also as a thanks for... you know..." she said, averting her gazed.

"For what?" he questioned.

Toriel shuffled a bit "Well... for not telling anyone. It's kind of embarrassing...".

Her eyes widened a bit "Wait, y-you haven't told anyone, right?" she asked.

"Of course not, why on earth would I do that?" he asked.

"Well, it's just- A-And I don't want you take this the wrong way! But for some reason, I just kinda had you pegged as the ' ** _Guy who seems nice but is actually a vicious sociopath_** ' type" she admitted.

Akechi just laughed at this "Well that's understandable; People tend to make all types of assumptions when they meet other people! Like when I first met you, I though you were some boring, neurotic, _overly sensitive_ , postmenopausal depressed _waste-of-a-character-slot **gone-by-the-third-week overworked talentless sad excuse of a housewife**_ , but now I know you're not unskilled at all!" he exclaimed, happily holding up the Sonic Socks she made.

Toriel just held her smile awkwardly, not really knowing how to respond to what Akechi just said.

"...It's a joke! I'm joking!" he said

"Oh... _O-Oh!_ **HaHA!** **_AhaHaHAaHa!_** " Toriel replied, compensating for her previous lack of laughter with way too much laughter.

Akechi's laughter soon joined hers, and the two had a nice good laugh together on the porch of the Rats Cabin. It was the hardest Toriel had laughed in a long time. All the anxiety she was feeling before just sort of fell away between the chuckles and chortles, letting the relief of it all seep into it's place. She nearly lost herself to it.

By the time it was over, she was nearly crying with laugher, a far cry from the crying she was doing earlier "Oh hoho, oh..." she wiped one of the tears away "W-Well I guess I should get going then, um..." She smiled brightly "Good luck to you then! " she said happily.

Akechi's friendliness never wavered, not once "To you too, Miss Dreemur! _I hope we cross paths again!_ " he offered, seeing her off as she left.

"Y-You too! Heh..." she said, waving and heading back to her cabin.

The camera stayed on Goro, who watched her as she left, tilting his head inquisitively.

****Confession: Akechi****

"Interesting..." he said, examining the socks Toriel made for him "From what I've read, shows like these will often merge the two team together after enough contestants have been eliminated. If this is the case, then Miss Dreemur could prove to be a useful ally for me in the future. Er, that is, of course, assuming she makes it that long..." he said, holding one of the socks up

"How did she know my size?"

****End Confession****

" _Psst, Hey!_ " you could hear, the camera still focused on Goro. The camera cut over to the side of the Cabin, where Frank could be seen through the railing. "Mr Reynolds?" Akechi asked, noticing him. Frank went around and walked up the porch, confronting him "What the fuck was that?" he asked suspiciously "What, ya _fraternizing_ with the other team now? I know we had a bad run tonight, but come on kid!" he exclaimed.

"Oh, I can assure it's nothing like that. Miss Dreemur was simply coming by say hello, nothing more" Akechi said

Frank look unconvinced "So... what? You're trying to get ya dick wet, that it?" he asked.

Goro lightly scoffed "Mr Reynolds, if you're trying to imply that there's some sort of _relationship_ between me and Miss Dreemur, then-"

"Yeah yeah, whatever; dudn't matter" Frank said "So who you who voting off tonight?" he asked.

Akechi was put on the spot. He sort of meandered around the question "...Well, that's really none of your business, Mr-"

"Cut the shit; it's me, isn't it?" Frank asked. Akechi didn't have an answer "Well, I..."

"Ah huh, okay look;" Frank said, putting his arm around Goro. Or at least trying, since Frank was pretty short in comparison to him "I know I fucked up tonight, I KNOW that... I kinda, sorta didn't make things easier for us to win, right? I know my Flute thing didn't work out. But do you think you could, ya know... maybe not vote for me and vote for that Frizzle bitch instead?" he asked.

Akechi was confused "Miss Frizzle? Why on Earth would I do that? Her performance was miles in quality above yours" he countered.

"I KNOW THAT, _ALRIGHT?!_ Just...!" Frank looked around to see if the coast was clear, before leaning in close " _If I'm gone, that Bitch is gonna go nuts with power! You shoulda saw it earlier; she was goin crazy and yelling sayin how she was gonna flip everything upside down once I was outta the picture;_ _She even called you **gay!**_ " he exclaimed.

Akechi raised an eyebrow "Miss Frizzle insinuated I was a _homosexual?_ " he asked

"Yeah!" Frank lied

Akechi looked unconvinced, but decided to play along anyway "I see..." he muttered

Frank continued " _Look, we aint dumb, right? We know this 'team shit' is only gonna last for so long. Eventually it's gonna be **every man for himself** ; what's the harm in takin out a shark like her early, eh? Give the two of **us** a bit'a breathin room for when shit hits the fan_".

Akechi rubbed his chin "...And if I didn't?" he asked

Frank huffed impatiently "Well _look_ , I already got a few others with me on this; If you don't wanna be apart of it, _fine_. But don't be surpised if-!"

Akechi chuckled "Relax, Mr Reynolds, I'll do it. But I'd like something in return" he said

"Oh yeah, and what's that?" Frank asked

"A favor"

"What kind'a favor?"

"Just a favor. Just in case I ever need something from you" Akechi simply said.

Frank hesitated, but ultimately wasn't too hung up on it "Look, _whatever you want, kid._ Just as long as that Frizzle bitch is **out.** I'm gonna need you to get your FBI buddy in on this too" Frank said.

Akechi smiled "Oh, that shouldn't be a problem" he said, looking over at Normahn inside, who was only just waking up, blindly reaching for the ARI and instead comically falling off the top bunk " _Eugh!_ " he groaned.

"Well good. I guess we got an agreement then?" Frank proposed, putting out his hand. Akechi met him in the middle, shaking on it with his own gloved hand "I guess so" he said.

The Speakers on the pole suddenly blared to life, Chris's voice coming out of them " _ALRIGHT YOU FUCKERS, ELIMINATION'S IN 5 MINUTES. GET YOUR ASSES OVER HERE OR WE'RE OR WE'RE DROPPING THE **TEAR GAS**_ " he yelled.

Akechi and Frank soon separated, Frank making his way to the Bonfire. Normahn just yawned as he came out the door, resting his arm on Akechi's shoulder "It time for tha Bawnfireh yet?" he asked.

The scene cut back to the communal bathroom, where Jerma, Jay, and Mike could seen gathered around a phone, laughing hysterically. Mike and Jay had decided to rewatch the movie with Jerma, and they were currently at the climax of the movie where Colin Firth's character used his undead army to interrupt Sophie's Daughter's wedding. Their laughter was uncontrollable, finally reaching its peak at the final shot of the film, when the camera panned out to a wide shot of all the wedding guests, including the zombies, dancing to ABBA's "Dancing Queen".

" _Now that's some real fuckin magic!_ " Jerma laughed as the end credits rolled.

"Hey, speaking of magic, I thought your talent show thing earlier was fucking hilarious!" Jay proclaimed.

"Yeah, dude, that shit was great!" Mike added, still laughing.

"Aw man, thanks guys!" Jerma said, giggling like an idiot.

Its important to note that, at this point, all three individuals were heavily intoxicated.

"Hey!" Jerma held up his beer can " **Cheers to that!** ".

" _ **Cheers to that!**_ " Mike and Jay repeated, all three taking sips from their beers.

"And hey, ya know what?" Jerma started "I thought Mike being able to down an entire gallon of whiskey in one sitting was fucking _**awesome!**_ ".

" _ **Cheers to that, man!**_ " Jay yelled happily.

" **Fuckin Cheers to that!** " Jerma yelled, him and Mike taking another swig from their drinks. Mike was a drunken idiot, though, and spilled his beer all over himself.

" _Oh fuhck, my shirt! It's ruinhed!_ " he said drunkenly.

" _ **CHEERS TO THAT!**_ " Jerma yelled, crushing his beer can on his forehead like they do in the movies. " _ **FUCK YEAH**_ " Jay followed, slamming his beer bottle onto the floor. " _Cheerhs to thaht_ " Mike slurred, trying suck the beer out of his shirt.

The door to the bathroom opened again. This time it was Sargon who entered.

"Oh my god..." he muttered, looking around at the utter mess that was the bathroom "So that's where that beer smell's been comin from..." They were all too engrossed in their laughter to acknowledge him. "Fockin hell, I can't believe you mongs would let the bathroom get this bad. You guys are pigs!" he proclaimed. Jerma finally took notice of him.

"HEY, SARGON, WHY DONT YA MAKE YASELF _USEFUL_ , AND GET US A FEW MORE _BEERS_ YOU FUCKIN DEGENERATE!" he said, throwing a beer bottle at him. "YEAH GET US SOME MORE BEER, DUDE!" Jay added. The trio started pelting Sargon with empty beer bottles. Sargon ran out in terror.

"...You guys wanna rewatch the movie again?" Mike offered.

" _ **HELL YEAH**_ " Jerma and Jay responded " _ **CHEERS TO THAT!**_ ".

Well anyway, **it was finally fucking time for the Bonfire Ceremony, thank god.**

The Camera cut to the Bonfire spot, where the actual ceremony was already in progress. Most of the Rats already had their marshmallow, and were standing together in immunity. The only two left were Miss Frizzle and Frank.

"BASEBALL... MAGIC TRICKS... PLAYING THE FUCKING FLUTE. OVERALL THIS WAS A FUCKING _DISASTER_ OF CONTEST. _EVEN WORSE_ THAN THE FUCKING **AWAKE-A-THON** " Chris announced. Many of the Rats glared at the Frizz, who was staring right back at them, angrily filing her nails. Angry that she was even _in_ the final two. Frank just sat and focused on the Marshmallow.

"BUT ULTIMATELY, EVERY DISASTER HAS ITS ROOTS IN THE TEAMS WHO PARTAKE IN THEM, AND THIS IS NO FUCKING DIFFERENT".

The Camera focused on Frank and the Frizz, who both sat their nervously. Dramatic music played. Sweat dripped down Frank's head. The Frizz was fuming through her nose.

"THE TWO OF YOU HAD THE RESPONSIBILITY OF REPRESENTING THE RATS. BUT YOU BOTH FUCKED UP SOMEHOW. THAT BEING SAID, ONLY ONE OF YOU GETS TO STAY. AND THAT INDIVIDUAL IS..."

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"FRANK!" Chris announced.

" ** _Yeah!_** " Frank shouted, jumping off the stump and running up to join everyone else.

The Frizz scoffed **furiously** "Unbelievable! **Un- _FUCKING_ -believable!**" she shouted. Dorothy and many others smugly stared her down as she continued on her tirade "You incompetent fucking _MORONS!_ I'm the only to actually get anything done, and yet I'M out?! You fucking _**IDIOTS!**_ " she shouted. The Passive-Agression was no more. Now it was just aggression. "I get a **7** , Frank and his fucking dick holster get a combined score of fuckin **4** , and yet somehow I'M voted off. For what? A few MEAN words?! _Oooh! Oh I'm too much of a wimpy little **cuck** to keep her on! I need my **safe space** away from that teacher lady!_ Gimme a break..."

Dorothy could bee seen cracking up at her meltdown.

"Oh what are you fucking laughing at, huh?! What, that you're a **divorcee?** That your cunt's too old and barren to be used anymore? That that little _imp_ you call a mom will probably keel over in the next year?! You fucking _**SUBSTITUTE!**_ " she screamed, security grabbing her. You could see the inferno in her eyes as she was dragged off toward the Dock of Shame, still yelling " _I HOPE YOU'RE ALL HAPPY!_ HAPPY YOU JUST FUCKING **DOOMED** THE TEAM! YOU STUPID **_FUCKS!_** ". Not too many Rats were sad to see her go, Dorothy especially.

****Confession: Dorothy****

Dorothy smiled to herself satisfactorily "Well I guess we know who the **dead fish** is **now** , _don't we?_ Aha ha..." she laughed, not even giving a fuck they just voted off one of the best members of their team. Fucking idiots.

****End Confession****

The Camera cut to the Frizz loading her shit on the loser boat, cigarette in mouth and scowling. Everyone else had gone back to the cabins, so it was just her and the faceless boat driver. As she loaded her last briefcase full of tacky dresses onto the boat, Chris came up behind her. "SO, YOU ENJOY YOUR STAY ON WAWANAKWA MISS FRIZZ?" he asked. His eyes looked crazier than usual.

Miss Frizzle just turned and glared at him "Yeah Chris, it was fucking peachy" she said, shaking some ash off her cig.

"WELL THATS FUCKIN _ **GREAT**_ " he said, his smile just growing "HEY LOOK, AS A THANKS FOR BEIN ON THE SHOW, WE GOT YOU THIS, UH, THIS _GIFT_ ".

The Frizz raised an eyebrow at this, intrigued "Oh yeah?" she asked, taking another drag. Chris nodded psychotically

"YEAH, JUST BEHIND THAT FUCKIN SHED OVER THERE" he said, the camera panning over to said shed. It looked old and abandoned "WHY DONT CHA GO CHECK IT OUT?" he suggested, crackin up a bit.

The Frizz was a little suspicious, but went along with it anyway. She walked off the dock and over to the shed, disappearing behind it. After a few seconds she reappeared "Chris there's nothing back here" she claimed. Chris just stood and stared at her, holding back laughter.

Miss Frizzle just look confused "Chris, what the fuck is thi-" the sound that followed was that of the Frizz's neck getting **cleaved in two** by an axe. A bulky, shadowy figure being the culprit driving it **_RIGHT_** into her fucking collarbone. As the schoolteacher's body fell to the ground, the figure continued to **violently** hack at it, blood spattering on them and against the shed wall while they _**GRUNTED**_ angrily. As they finished, the camera revealed it be none other than Chef Hatchet, who was covered in Miss Frizzle's blood. He emotionlessly gave a thumbs up to Chris, who was laughing hysterically, and dragged her butchered corpse out of frame, her lifeless hand leaving a trail of blood.

The camera cut one last time back to the communal bathroom.

By this point, Mike, Jay, and Jerma were all passed out drunk. Jay and Jerma in their chairs, and Mike passed out on the floor. ABBA music continued to blare out Mike's phone as the movie kept playing. It was the only sound in that shitty bathroom, beside the crickets outside and Mike's snoring. That was the final shot.

Then the episode FINALLY fucking ended.

 **AN: Holy fuck the episode's finally over thank god. Was it worth waiting a fucking year for? I sure hope so. Make sure to DESTROY that fuckin review button and let me know what you thought!**


	9. the FUCKY outdoors

" ** _LAST TIME ON TOTAL DRAMA_ _FUCKING_ _ISLAND_** " Chris shouted

*Clips from the talent contest are shown*

" _THE TWO TEAMS FACED OFF IN ONE OF THE MOST_ _GODAWFUL_ _TALENT CONTESTS IN HUMAN HISTORY_ "

*The campers are shown practicing their respective talents"

" _MAKING COMPLETES ASSES OUT OF THEMSELVES ON NATIONAL TELEVISON_ "

*Jerma's shitty magic show is shown, along with George getting pelted with baseballs*

" _HOW_ _EMBARASSING_ "

*More fuck ups are shown, like Zarya dropping the car and Frank's disaster of a Flute performance*

" _ALTHOUGH BOTH TEAMS' PREFORMANCES WERE TOTAL SHIT, THE FALCON'S SOMEHOW ENDED UP WINNING_ "

*Chad playing Russian Roulette is shown, along with the Falcons cheering for him as he celebrates*

" _AND ALTHOUGH FRANK'S POOR PLANNING BASICALLY_ _ **RUINED**_ _ANY CHANCE THE RATS HAD OF WINNING_ "

*Frank is shown getting high and poorly managing the try-outs, followed by the confrontation with Miss Frizzle*

" _IT WAS ULTIMATELY THE FRIZZ'S KNOW IT ALL ATTITUDE THAT GOT HER THE AXE_ *

*The Bonfire Ceremony is shown, followed by Chef furiously hacking at Miss Frizzle's corpse*

" _ **LITERALLY**_ "

*The camera cuts back to Chris on the Dock*

"COULD ANYTHING ELSE GO WRONG FOR THE RATS? WELL YOU'RE GONNA FIND OUT! _IN ONE OF THE MOST SHOCKING BONFIRE CEREMONIES IN WAWANAKWA HISTORY..._ COMING TO YOU RIGHT HERE; _RIGHT NOW!_ ON TOTAL. _DRAMA. **ISLAND!**_ "

*The opening Credits play*

Dear mom and dad, I'm doing fine  
You guys are on my mind  
You asked me what I wanted to be  
And now I think the answer is plain to see  
I want to be famous

I want to live close to the sun  
Well, pack your bags cause I've already won.  
Everything to prove nothing in my way  
I'll get there one day

Cause I want to be famous

Nanana'nanaana nana nana na na na na na naa  
I wanna be, I wanna be; I wanna bee famous  
I wanna be, I wanna be; I wanna be famous

[Whistle's to theme]

*It fucking ends*

The camera cuts to just outside the Rats Cabin, with the distant noise of what sounded like gunshots in background.

It then cuts to a more precise location: around the back, where some cans were lined up on some posts. A few bullets could be seen whizzing past them, until one finally hit one, flicking it off.

" _Yes! Hehe..._ " a familiar horrifically Bostonian voice could be heard muttering. It was Normahn Jayden, everybody's favorite Elmer Fudd soundin Northeastern FBI agent. He was currently practicing with his gun on a little makeshift firing range he set up. Though he'd finally gotten a hit, the camera revealed that was the only can he'd gotten out of like the six he'd put up there, and there were _quite a few_ bullet casings on the ground.

"Getting some shooting in, Agent Jayden?" Akechi asked, coming into frame behind him.

Normahn was a little startled by his appearanc, but tried to keep his focus "Oh, hey Goro. Yeah, I'm just tryin to prahctice a littleh" he said, aiming down the sights. A POV shot of Normahn showed his vision was somewhat blurry and shaky, with little prompts showing what cans he could shoot, as well options to quit, check his magazine, and reload. They were all kind of moving, and Normahn had trouble focusing in on what he wanted to do.

Predictably, he missed his next shot because he could barely line it up. He tried to fire again, but the gun just *click*ed.

"Ah shit, outta ammo" he said, the camera cutting back to a normal view of him instead of the POV "Diden't even realize it, guess I'm not a shahp as I used to be..." he said, putting his hands on his hips and sighing. It didn't used to be like this, not when he was tracking down the Origarmi killah. Back then he was pretty good. Now he just fucking sucked.

"You mind if I try?" Akechi asked.

Normahn looked some somewhat surprised at this "You wanna fireh a gun? You know this aint like a video game, right?" he said.

Akechi just chuckled "Oh, I know, Agent Jayden. I'm no stranger to firearms. I've actually been to a shooting range once or twice" he admitted.

Normahn was little hesitant, but caved in anyway, handing the gun to Goro after reloading and cocking it for him.

"Thank you" Akechi said, aiming down the sights. "Like this, right?" he said, hunching a bit and spreading his legs somewhat. "Uh, yeah, just like thaht" Normahn affirmed, getting behind him and adjusting him as need be. "Keep your ahms straight, try to focus" he said, putting a few finishing touches on Goro's stance before stepping back.

Goro held the pose for a bit, before dropping one of his arms off the pistol and simply gripping it with one hand, posing back dramtically. "Ah no, you don't wanna do it like _THAT_ " Normahn critiqued "That may look cool in movies or animeh, but for a beginnah like you you should probably just-" he was cut off by Akechi firing it. He nailed the can he was aiming at, and then moved on to the other ones, nailing each in rapid succession. Never missing a shot. He then unloaded the magazine and bullet in the chamber like a pro, handing the gun back to Normahn while it was still smoking.

The Japanese teen smiled to himself contentedly at his handiwork, and then turned to Normahn, who was speechless at what he just saw. "...Must've been beginner's luck! Heh" Akechi offered, awkwardly standing there as Normahn's gaze turned down at the gun.

****Confession: Normahn****

"So... Goro knows how to fireh a gun; that's... interesting" He said, twiddling with the firearm " _A lot better than me too..._ " he said, sighing.

****End Confession****

As the two detectives continued to interact, Frank watched them through the window of the Rats Cabin, looking anxious. " _What the hell's that Fed doing practicin shooting?_ " he muttered " _What, are him and that Jap kid plannin some sorta **coup d'état** or soemthin?_ George?" he asked his companion. No response. "George!" he said louder, getting his attention.

"Huh, what?" George asked, pulling his head out of a magazine he was reading. "Were you even listening?!" Frank demanded.

George chuckled nervously "Oh uh, heh. Sorry, I guess not" he said, casually resuming his reading.

Frank just scoffed and went back to the window, resuming his spying " _What are they talking about?_ " he muttered, leaning out a bit. As he did, Sophia passed by, and Frank tried to get her attention. " _Psst, Hey!_ Sophia, you think you can-"

"Not now" the elderly woman answered. As she went out frame, Mr T entered, and Frank tried to rope him in too "Yo, T! Can you do me a-"

"I have not the time" Mr T answered, ignoring him as he buried his face in a philosophy book.

Frank held his arms out, stunned by how they had treated him.

****Confession: Frank****

"Ya know, I'm really startin to get worried by the state of everything that's happenin" Frank admitted "Things have been WAY tenser around here since that whole talent contest **bullshit** the other day. I'm startin to get the feeling that that vote to vote the Frizz off was a LOT closer than I thought it was. I mean, you saw how they were treating me; _TOTAL_ lack of respect!" he complained, taking a cigarette out and lighting it.

After taking a nice, long drag from it, he pulled it out of his mouth, pointing it at the camera "If I'm gonna be able to maintain my position here, I gotta REALLY hold things together these next few challenges".

****End Confession****

After Frank's confession ended, the camera cut over to a nearby bench, where Mario was sitting with his spinally damaged and wheelchair bound wife, Peach.

"What-a you wanting to do today, honey?" he asked, forcing a smile. Peach took a bit to respond, as she had a good bit of drool in her mouth, but eventually she spit out " _i wanna go see a deer_ ".

Mario's smile drooped a bit "Oh sweetie-a, you know-a how the forest-a is; It's no good for-a wheelchairs!" he reasoned. Peach's retarded expression didn't change, as it never did " _i don giv a fuck_ " she sputtered, a bit of drool splashing out her mouth.

"Oh, you're-a drooling again-a!" Mario excalaimed "Come on, _let's-a-go clean you up!_ " he said, getting behind and pushing her. Peach tried to protest, but all that could be made out was garbled saliva laden gibberish.

As Mario wheeled away his damaged wife, he passed by the Falcons Cabin, where Mike, Jay, and Jerma could be seen sitting on the stoop.

"Okay; _favorite Batman movie_ " Mike posed to Jerma, taking a sip of his drink. Jerma thought about it for a bit before answering "Uh... Ooh! _Dark Knight_ , easy. Wait, **NO!** _Dark Knight RISES_. Yeahh… now THAT was good movie!" he responded.

Jay kinda laughed at this "Really? You prefer Rises over Dark Knight?" he asked.

"Yeah! Bane was fucking BADASS, man!" Jerma responded

"No he wasn't!" Mike balked, cracking up " _'It would be extremely painful!'_ " he mocked in Bane's gay ass voice. Jay laughed at this, and despite his best efforts, Jerma found himself laughing too.

"Nah, he was fuckin cool! Like, heh... You know!" the short streamer defended, doing an imitation of Bane breaking Batman's spine. Which was a bit in bad taste since Mario and Peach really weren't that far away.

Suddenly Sargon decided to chime in, leaning out the door "Hey! Uh... ya know I'm more a fan of the _Schumacher_ films maself!" he interjected.

Mike turned to him "Oh, we weren't asking you Sargon" he answered, casually ignoring him and turning back to Jay and Jerma, who also didn't acknowledge him. Sargon's smile just drooped as they continued without him. Yet another attempt to make friends and socialize: failed.

jUST THEn a body rolled off the roof of the cabin, landing on the ground in front with a loud **_THUD_**. It was Chris, who somehow got up there without anyone noticing. He didn't appear harmed, and held out a megaphone as he lifted his head up "ALRIGHT YOU FUCKS, ITS TIME FOR THE NEXT CHALLENGE" he yelled in a high decibel. He then rolled _**VERY FAST**_ out of frame, still on the ground. Contestants of both teams could be seen making their way toward the challenge area, including Mike, Jay, and Jerma, who got up off and left the stoop together.

Sargon just stayed in the doorway, sighing and looking down. Suddenly Chad pushed him aside "Outta the way, _useless cunt..._ " he said, shoving him with his fat body and leaving the Cabin.

The camera cut to the poorly drawn sunny sky, and then panned down at all the campers at the challenge area, somewhat dramatic music playing.

Chris stood like a smug cunt next to the unlit bonfire, one hand on his hip and the other holding a clipboard "OKAY FAGGOTS" he started "TODAY WE'RE GONNA BE TESTING YOUR... _'OUTDOOR SURVIVAL SKILLS'_ " he read "WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT MEANS" he shrugged, tossing the clipboard to the side " _BASICALLY_ , YOU'RE GONNA BE SPENDING A NIGHT IN THE FUCKING WOODS. CLASSIC CAMPING SHIT, RIGHT? **_WRONG_** " he declared "WAWANAKWA IS HARSH AND UNFORGIVING, THIS AINT YOUR FUCKIN _GRANDMA'S_ CAMPING TRIP, KIDS; IF YOU SCREW UP HERE, YOU MAY **ACTUALLY FUCKING _DIE_** " he said sinisterly.

The camera cut to all the campers. None of them had any significant reaction to this, they just all looked uncomfortable.

"NAH, I'M FUCKIN KIDDING" Chris laughed "NO BUT SERIOUSLY, WATCH THE FUCK OUT OUT THERE. THERE'S A _LOT_ OF SHIT THAT CAN FUCK YOU UP. WE LOST LIKE TWELVE INTERNS JUST SETTING UP ALL THE LANDMINES".

"Landmines?" George asked

"DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. UH, LOOK-" Chris dug through a bag he had "HERE'S SOME FUCKING MAPS OR WHATEVER" he said, tossing out some paper maps. They looked dry-rotted. "FIND YOUR WAY TO YOUR RESPECTIVE CAMPSITES, AND BE BACK HERE FIRST THING IN THE MORNING;" Sargon could be seen picking up the Falcon map, only to have it yanked from him by Chad. George could be seen opening the Rats', with Frank and Akechi peeking behind him at it.

"WHICHEVER TEAM GETS BACK FIRST, **WINS** " Chris announced. He then obnoxiously started blasting his akimbo airhorns " _NOW GET THE FUCK GOING_ " he ordered.

After a flash of light, and _Whoosh!_ sound effect, the camera cut to the Rats, who were walking on a trail. In front of the group were Frank and Dorothy, who were arguing over the map.

"Look- NO! I know what I'm doin here!" Frank declared, trying to wrest it from Dorothy

Dorothy was having none of it "Frank, I'm not having a repeat of that talent contest debacle from the other day; If anyone needs to be navigating, it's ME!" she exclaimed. Needless to say, Dorothy had been feeling a lot more confident since the Frizz's departure. Whereas before she'd been willing to tolerate Frank's BS, today she was feeling more assured. Ready to take charge. Like that one time she tried running for City Councilwoman. That failed hilariously, but- I mean, you know.

"Frank; _C'mon_ " George reasoned, stepping in "Let's not fight here, huh? What's the big deal in letting her lead for a bit?" he suggested. Frank glared at him, almost shocked at what he was saying. In doing so, Dorothy finally took hold of the map, and pulled ahead as leader.

" _Thank you_ , George" she said, satisfactorily opening it and continuing on the trail. As the other Rats walked by, Frank just glared at George.

"What?" George asked, totally oblivious to Frank's ire.

****Confession: George****

"So what if Dorothy gets to lead? I don't get why Frank's making such a big deal about it... I mean-" George's eyes shifted a bit "W-What's the harm in, uh... _exploring new options?_ New alliances, new partnerships... We're all on the same team, right? _It doesn't ALWAYS have to be about him, ya know_ "

****End Confession****

Another _Whoosh!_ and flash of light cut to the Falcon caravan, who were having much less dispute in their ranks.

"Take a right after the marked tree..." Chad could be heard muttering, looking down at the map. Needless to say, he was navigating, and no one dared challenge him. Most of the other Falcons were just content to follow. Like Zarya, who no longer needed crutches for her knee, yet still walked with a limp. Or Mike and Jay, who were just happy chatting with their new drinking buddy Jerma.

"...I mean that's the thing about that scene, right?" Mike said, referring to a recent flick by Quentin Tarantino "You don't see it coming; and I guess that's kind of what he was going for, you know, _he just gets shot in the fucking neck_ , but honestly it's still-"

"I think, uh-" Jerma interjected "I think if maybe, like- like there was some sort of _buildup_ to it rather than just _'oh they find the stupid fucking relic and it kills people! **OoOoOoh!'**_ I think, uh-" they all three cracked up laughing at this "I-I think maybe it would've been less stupid. I dunno" he finished. "Yeah, I get what you mean..." Jay added

As the trio of E-Celebs continued on, one brown haired and bearded british one trailed behind, alone, glaring at them.

****Confession: Sargon****

Sargon is seen looking down at his phone "So, uh..." he started "The chart; The fuckin, uh, **tier list** , roight? I'm back down at **16th Place** " he sighed, cupping his head. "I don't, I-I don't get it. Somehow Torriel and that Dorothy lady surged ahead'a me, I don't know why, um..." he scrolled down a bit "Apparently, and I was readin this on /tv/, uh; A lotta people are sayin I gotta make _allies?_ That I've just been hangin by myself and I'll get voted off cuz no one loikes me?"

He looked up from his phone "Well shit, it aint like I'm not _tryin!_ Fuck..." he groaned

****End Confession****

The camera refocused on Mario and Peach, who were a bit behind everyone else. Mostly because navigating with a wheelchair in the middle of an untamed Canadian forest was a real pain in the ass. Especially when you have to listen to your retarded and broken wife and mutter utter nonsense along the way " _butterflyyyy_ ".

Just as they were about to turn a curve in the trail, Mario tripped and let go of Peach, though she didn't go far. "Ah! My-a shoelace is undone-a!" the Italian plumber exclaimed. He must've been too busy caring for Peach that he forgot to properly take care of himself. This wouldn't be the first time something like that happened.

As he bent down to retie it, the camera panned to Peach. She still had the same soulless expression and fixed smile she always did, though her eyes moved a bit. From her perspective, far off in a meadow was what appeared to be a deer. A magnificent Buck just peacefully grazing. Her eyes looks backed at Mario, who was still distracted tying his shoes, and then focused back on the buck.

"...There we go! Ah, now where-a were we?" he looked back up. Peach and her wheelchair were nowhere to be seen "H-Honey? _Peach?!_ " he called out, panicking. The camera then cut back to Peach, who had somehow gotten to that meadow from earlier, and was weakly feeding that deer from her hand " _yeahh, das dat good shit, huh_ " she could be heard saying to it.

" _Sweetie!_ " Mario yelled out, running into frame. The deer got spooked and ran off. Mario just panted as he reunited with his wife "I-It's okay-a! I'm here, honey!" he tried to comfort, though Peach didn't need any. " _u scared im away_ " she grumbled disappointingly.

Mario ignored what she was saying "Ahhh, _Swetiee!_ Don't-a roll off like that!" he chided.

" _i jus wanted to see a deer_ " Peach gurgled, though Mario continued to ignore her. "Come on, _lets-a-go_ join the others!" he exclaimed, getting behind her to push. When he went to go, though, he had a bit of trouble "Uhh… w-which-a way was the trail again?" he asked. Heinz Kiessling's _Coconut Shy_ began to play as Mario tried to remember how to get back, before finally deciding on a direction "Ah, this-a way!" he said, happily rolling his wife deeper into the woods.

The song continued to play as the camera cut to the Rats arriving at their Campsite.

"Alright, this looks like the place!" Dorothy exclaimed, all the other Rats following behind her. Their campsite was situated under a great tree, with a few rolled up tents nearby for them to set up. Though it looked like they'd been there for weeks "Hm, Okay... it's not half bad all things considered" the Golden Girl observed. Her mother disagreed.

"Are you kidding? This place has more fecal matter in it than a dog park!" Sophia said, a laugh track playing. There was a lot of animal shit everywere "And are they expectin us to put up these tents? With _MY_ Arthritis?!" she added, the exact same laugh track playing again. I guess the editor didn't really care. Can't blame him.

"Ah quit compainin you old bag, it's fine" Frank said, coming into frame "Got a nice tree here, good for support" he patted the tree "Soil's nice and firm" he patted the ground. He licked his finger and held it up "A good breeze goin... Yeah, a pretty nice spot if ya ask me. _Too bad we won't be usin it_ " he rubbed his hands together like he was hatching a plan "Alright, now since we're gonna be racing to the finish tomorrow, here's what we do: First, _we ditch the campin shit_. Go find ourselves a cave or somethin. THEN we go ahead and scout a path out back to the cabins. That way in the in morning we-"

" _ **Ahem**_ " Dorothy cut him off.

Frank stopped and looked at her "What?" he asked

Suddenly George approached him "Frank... _Maybe it's best_ if we don't try anything tonight, huh? Let's just play it safe and do the challenge properly" he suggested.

Frank balked at him. Like he'd just been stabbed in the back "What?! But... B-But no! This is a really good idea, just hear me ou-"

" **I'm afraid I must concur** " Mr T said definitively "I wish for no part in any scheme; simply a night at peace with nature" he stated, a small bird landing on his outstretched hand.

" _NO!_ Hold on!" Frank panicked. No one was supporting him. Not even giving him a chance. His status and influence was shrinking by the minute "J-Just gimme a-"

"All in favor for _camping_ like we were _told to?_ " Dorothy asked, raising a hand. Every other Rat besides Frank raised their hand. Even Remy, with his little rodent paw. All Frank could do was just stand there in shock as he was overruled.

"Excellent! Well..." Dorothy smiled in smug self-gratification. She'd gotten a taste for power and loved it " _ **Let's begin!**_ So..." she started handing out roles. Her, Sophia, George, and Mr T would set up the tents. Normahn and Akechi would go find some food. Goofy and Remy would watch for animals. "And Frank..." she finished "You can go find some **firewood!** " she took joy in ordering. Frank looked absolutely pissed, but all he could do was suck it up and grit his teeth " **Fine...** " he seethed.

Dorothy just smiled to herself as she watched him march off.

****Confession: Dorothy****

"Now I'm not one to gloat, but uh..." she chuckled a bit "It does feel good to watch that _little man_ finally get put in his place, Aha ha..."

****End Confession****

****Confession: Frank****

"I can't believe George would just **betray** me like that!" he exclaimed, shocked at everything that transpired "A-After all I done for him! He just DROPS me for the first pair'a saggy _TITS_ that comes his away! _Gettin all cozy with that grey haired ostrich..._ It's pathetic!"

****End Confession****

The camera cut back to Mario and Peach, who were still wheeling their way through the woods. "Alright-a... I think we're on the right-a path" the Italian plumber said, uncertainly navigating past rocks and branches and other forest shit. Peach looked just as dead-eyed as always.

The camera then cut over to the Falcon side of things. The main group had also just arrived at their camping spot, and were busy setting things up. Mario and Peach were still nowhere to be seen, and Chad had taken Mike with him to hunt whilst Zarya collected firewood. This just left Sargon, Toriel, and Jay and Jerma to set up tents. Even without Mike, the latter two of them were still chattering inane bullshit nonsense and trivia about movies "...But yeah, I didn't know that about _Goodfellas_ " Jerma said, hammering in a peg "To think, All that **real** **cash** just lying around..."

"Yeah" Jay agreed "Robert De Niro's a real hack. No wonder he did _Dirty Grandpa 5: The Revenge_ ".

As they chatted, Sargon continued to watch, distractingly 'helping' Toriel pitch up a tent "...I mean, its not like I'm not tryin to be friendly, eh?" he vented, barely even fucking contributing "I just don't feel like anyone'll gimme a _chance_ , ya know? Like they think I'm _annoying_ or _**useless**_ or something! I mean, *scoff* _I'm a_ _**YouTube Skeptic** for Chrissakes! _A _respected_ figure! Before this whole Patrion ban _**shit**_ , I used to make almost 6,000 quid a month! I mean, heh, c'mon. Tory-" he turned to her "Be honest, _Ya think I'm useless?_ " he asked, sitting next to an unpitched side of the tent.

Toriel didn't really know what to say, and she didn't want to be mean so she fumbled a bit before answering "Um... No?".

" _Thank you!_ Chroist..." Sargon sighed, turning back yet still continuing not to help "It's glad to know SOME people appreciate me. Not like Chad, that fat cunt...". Toriel continued to struggle putting up the tent by herself, yet Sargon paid her no mind "I bet he's out there roight now wallowin in the mud or some shit. Makin 'imself a _'live bait'_ or whatever to catch us some'in. That probably be wot he'd do... Fuckin Australi-"

" ** _AyayayayaayayaYA!_** "

" _ **Woo Woo Woo WOO!**_ "

Before Sargon could finish, he was cut off by the victories cries of Chad and Mike (mostly Chad), who had returned from their hunting trip. Mike barely had anything to show, but in Chad's hand was the torn body of a Raccoon, which he held up proudly by the tail " _Looks like we eatin **GOOD** tonight, boys!_" the fat cunt yelled excitedly.

"Oh Nooo...!" Toriel whined, covering her mouth and feeling bad for the animal.

"Oh shit, you guys actually got something?" Jay asked, getting up from his tent

"Thas right!" Chad gloated "Caught this little cunt over by those trees over there! Squirmin around and shit... He's gonna cook up _goooood!_ Heh he..."

" _Awww!_ " Toriel whined, still saddened by the sight "You didn't really kill that poor thing, did you?" she asked.

Chad just laughed "Ah, relax Tory, he didn't suffa. It was more like a ** _mercy kill_** really" he explained "Bear musta gotten to him, found 'im all scratched up and bleedin and shit... Just pulled out mah knife and _ZIPP!_ " he motioned cutting his throat "We got ourselves some fuckin _dinner!_ ".

Toriel cringed a bit at this, but ultimately didn't protest any further. Chad didn't really give a fuck either way "Right, now we just gotta get a fire going and... 'old on" he looked around the camp site "Are we missin anyone?" he asked.

Just then, the camera cut, once again, to Mario and Peach Hot-Wheeling through the woods. They were no closer to their team, or to anyone else for that matter, and Mario was starting to kinda freak out "I-I could've sworn we were going the right-a way!" he sputtered.

Suddenly Peach's wheel rolled over something, bumping up. "Ah-a!" Mario grunted, getting a lil spooked. Stopping, he picked up and examined the little speedbump. A dead, half eaten fish. "Huh, t-that's-a odd..." he meekly let out "How did-a little _pesce_ like this end up-" juST then a loud _**ROAR** _could be heard not too far away. Like that of a mighty Grizzly. Mario's eyes widened "D-D-Did you hear something, s-sweetie?" he asked, trying to keep it together.

Peach just sat there, a fly walking across one of her eyelids.

The scene then transitioned to Normahn squatting by a river. It was around evening time now, a nice orange glow in the air, and the FBI Agent was busy trying to fish from said river. He didn't have a fishing rod or even a makeshift spear though, so he was stuck trying catch them with hands. Needless to say, he wasn't doing well.

"Come on, Come on..." he muttered, waiting for a the silhouette of a fish to swim by. A blurry first person POV shot like earlier in the episode showed his hands kinda shaking, his fingers ready to grasp at the first sight of any fish. Just then, a fish DID come into view, and he fucking ** _SMASHED_** that [O] button prompt to Grab it.

"C'mere!" here grunted, the camera switching back to its standard position. He tried to get a good grip on it, but the fish was too slippery for him, and he kept botching every other prompt until it squirmed out of his hands back into the water. " _NO!_ " he yelled. Normahn, being the genius he was, promptly dived in the water after it. He actually managed to get back hold of it, but he fucked that up as well, and just flopped around in the water like an idiot till he lost hold again. The slimy scaley little motherfucker jumped out the water gave Normahn one last **_SLAP_** to the face before swimming off, leaving the FBI Agent leaning back in the water with his hands.

"Shit..." he panted.

"Having some trouble, Agent Jayden?" Akechi asked, the camera zooming out to reveal him standing on dry land near the river. He was holding a few stick with berries or shit on them.

"Oh, hey Goro…" he said, shamefully picking himself up out the water. You ever notice how their encounters always begin like this?

"Catch any fish?" the brown haired teenager asked, Normahn wringing out his pants. "Nah, not really... what about you? You got enny luck?" the Fed countered.

Akechi smiled and held up the one of the berry branches he was holding "Oh yes. I've actually managed to find a large patch of **Blueberries** in a small clearing over there. There should be enough for everyone, I'd wager".

Normahn just sighed "Well that's... that's great Goro, that's real good..."

Akechi cocked his head a bit "Are you... _alright_ , Agent Jayden? Is something bothering you?" he asked.

"Nah, I'm... I'm good" Normahn lied, not making eye contact.

"Are you sure?" Goro pressed.

Normahn hesitated, thinking for a bit on what to do, before sighing and sitting down on the grass "Goro? Do you... Do you thenk I'm... you know? Kinda… _clumsy_ or _useless_ or whatever?" he posed.

Akechi sat down beside him "What's bought this on?" he questioned.

Normahn shifted a bit "Well, it's just... I danno, I don't really feel like I'm as _**corrdinated**_ as I should be. Like I SHOULD be doin better, but... s-something's holding me back. Somethin's… messin with me. With my _instehncts_ and my _reflexehs_ or whatevah. Ya know what I mean?" he asked.

"I... can't really say that I do, Agent Jayden" Akechi admitted. This response just caused Normahn to sigh, but Goro was quick to add "B-But! Um... I mean, we've all had those days, right?" he offered.

This did little to cheer Normahn up "More like _months_ in my case..." he grumbled.

Akechi patted him on the shoulder "Well I'm sure it's nothing to do with YOU, Agent Jayden. You're a federal agent, right? I can't imagine you got to that position without SOME natural ability" he offered.

"Yeah... That is true..." Normahn admitted, perking up a little.

"Maybe it's the air around here, hm? Maybe that's what's throwing you off" Akechi offered "I must admit, _even I did not expect Canada to be this warm_ " he confessed, wiping some sweat from his forehead.

Normahn chuckled "Nah... I've always behn kinda clumsy I guess" he admitted "Even back at the Acadameh I was sort of a clutz. I often got called _'dumber than I looked'_ and told I'd neva graduatte, which kinda hurt, but... guess I showed thehm wrong"

Akechi smiled "That's the spirit!" he said, happily comforting him "You just need to remember **all that you've achieved** to get to where you are now! I highly doubt they'd let you handle something as experimental as the **ARI** if you weren't qualified, would they?"

"The ARI..." Normahn muttered, pulling the little pair of repaired glasses out and examining them. Just staring at them, intensely studying its black lenses and not saying a word. A shot of his face showed his nose twitching, along with his eyes. You could see various button prompts flashing through their reflection.

"...Agent Jayden?" Akechi asked. Normahn blinked and snapped out of it. He turned to face Goro, looking extremely uneasy. " _...Is something **wrong?**_ " the teen repeated.

Normahn looked away and cleared his throat, breathing hard. Not saying anything. Akechi looked confused by his companion's shift in mood.

Finally Normahn spoke "Goro… D-Do you remembah what I said the other day? About... _seeing things?_ Things that make you question _reahlity?_ "

Akechi tilted his head a bit "Um, I think so? Where is this going, Agent Jayden?" he questioned.

Normahn shifted "Well, I... T-The thing is, uh..." he didn't know to how to put it without sounding totally crazy " _...The **ARI!**_ I-It's an amazin piece'a technology, _**revolutionary!** _But... it has... **side effects** , like um..."

Before he could finish, the sound of brushes being shaken interrupted him. The camera cut to the source of this noise " _Fuckin hell..._ " a voice could be heard grumbling, maneuvering through the overgrowth. Finally, the figure emerged, holding a pile of sticks and branches. It was Frank, still on his firewood expedition " _Stupid bitch..._ " he muttered. He quickly took notice of Normahn and Akechi by the water.

"Ay! You two fucks know the way back to camp?" he shouted, evidently had gotten lost on his way back.

"Oh, it's just on that path, Mr Reynolds!" Akechi shouted back, pointing the way there. Frank gave a little wave of thanks and headed on his way, still grumbling about Dorothy.

Akechi turned back to Normahn "You were saying?" he resumed.

Normahn thought it over for a bit, before sighing and waving it off "Nothin... Let's just go pick those berries" he suggested, getting up and walking off. Akechi looked somewhat confused, but decided not to press the issue any further, soon following his fellow detective.

The camera then cut back to Mario and Peach in the woods. The evening was much darker now, and Mario was frantically wheeling his crippled wife, eyes wide with terror. "W-We can't have-a gotten lost! I-I could-a swore we were on the right-a path!" he exclaimed, anxiously eyeing his surroundings for any threat, beast or environmental alike.

" _maybe we should-_ "

" **QUIET SWEETIE I'M-A TRYING TO _THINK!_** " Mario yelled, ignoring whatever Peach was trying to say and stopping on the path. Just then the _**ROAR**_ from last time could be heard again, except **_much closer_**. Mario's legs quivered as he looked beside at the source, which was behind the camera; a large, lumbering shadow soon looming over him "A-Ah ah...". Dumb Italian fuck.

 ***Commercial Break***

 **AN: Fuck me it's gonna be another 3 parter I fucking hate myself this story's gonna be like a million words by the time it's done fucking hell. Hope you cunts all liked the chapter though, I made it with extra love. Make sure to EVISCERATE that motherfucking review button and let me know what you all thought of it! I'll try and get these commercials wrapped up soon**


	10. the FUCKY outdoors part 2

Anyway, after those long as fuck terrible money grubbing fucking ads, the camera cut to the Falcon Camp.

The Camera was focused on focused on a large pile of wood, which a pudgy hand could be seen trying to light. " _Ah come on_ " a voice berated, the lighter failing to produce anything. The camera cut up to reveal it was Chad, who kept trying to get the fucking thing to work. Toriel saw him struggling, and decided to step in.

"Um, may I?" she asked.

Chad just sat back and folded his arms "Be my fockin guest" he said.

Toriel closed her eyes and curled her hand into a tight fist. A few of the other Falcons look perplexed, but she didn't notice. After breathing deep and focusing all her **DETERMINATION** , she threw her fist out at the wood and opened it. A purple blaze soon engulfed the pile of sticks, lighting the camp air and illuminating all those around it. The Falcons were smitten with a light, lavender glow; as rich and magnificent in color as the milky way above. It was beautiful.

And understandably, a few campers were quite surprised by-

" **Whoa, wot the** ** _fuck?!_** " Sargon balked

"W-What just happened?" Mike asked, a bit tipsy from the _12 beers_ he'd put down. Everyone besides Chad kinda shared these sentiments.

"Oh, ya didn't 'ere?" Chad remarked "Apperantly Tory here can do fuckin **fire magic**. Make little flames out of 'er hands and everything"

" _Wot?!_ " Sargon balked even harder in his stupid British accent.

"Really?" Jay asked.

A small, bashful blush rose in Toriel's cheeks "Oh, it's... nothing really" she underplayed "A lot of monsters can do it better than I can...".

"Nah man, that's fuckin **COOL!** " Jerma exclaimed, childlike wonder in his eyes.

"Yeah!" Jay agreed.

Despite the initial embarrassment of it, Toriel found herself smiling "Oh, stop..." she waved.

****Confession: Toriel****

"I guess it had to come out at some point" she awkwardly shrugged "I-I didn't really wanna act like I was showing off or trying to make spectacle or anything, but we needed a fire and Chad already knew about it so I figured... _Why not_ , you know?"

She sighed relievedly "I'm just glad no one thought it was weird or was SCARED or anything. That's what I most afraid of" she admitted "Not all humans are, um... _tolerant_ of that kind of stuff, at least not many of the ones I knew, but..." she smiled "I guess it's for the best that they found out, then!"

****End Confession****

Chad was unfazed "Yeah ,it's a lot more impressive than anything _Aleks_ could do" he remarked " _Dumb cunt..._ "

"EY!" Zarya exclaimed "YOU SAID YOU WANT WOOD, I GET WOOD, YES?"

"Yeah but I didn't mean whole fuckin _**Tree's**_ _worth!_ " Chad countered. The camera then zoomed out revealing a massive tree that Zarya had felled and brought back to camp. Apparently this was her idea of gathering firewood.

Zarya just shrugged and snapped another small log in half with her bare hands, tossing it into the fire.

****Confession: Zarya****

"SO GOAT WOAMAN CAN MAKE FIRE WITH HANDS, _BEEG_ _DEAL_ " she shrugged "IN MOTHERLAND, FIRE COULD BE MADE _JUST AS EASILY_ WITH VODKA BOTTLE, DAMP RAG, AND A _LEETLE_ IMAGINATION" she grinned, tapping her head like in that meme. "WE CALLED IT THE **VYACHESLAV MIKHAILOVICH MOLOTOV** ** _COCKTAIL_** ; A FUN WAY TO SPICE THOSE _**AERISKOYTIVISCH**_ EVENINGS, _LET ME BE OF TELLING YOU!_ "

****End Confession****

Anyway the camera then cut to another fire; the Rats', where Frank could be seen tossing some twigs in. As he finished, he let out a sigh and rubbed his hands, sitting down on a log next to Sophia.

"It's not exactly _big_ " the old woman complained.

"Oh what, you think you can do better?" Frank retorted.

" _Just sayin_ " Sophia replied casually lifting up a stick and eating some berries hanging from it, more canned laughter playing. The camera then cut around the camp, showing all the other Rats eating their Blueberry dinner as well. From George to Mr T to Goofy and even little Remy, who was cooking his over the fire. There really was enough for everyone, just like Akechi said.

"I must say, Goro, these blueberries are _exquisite!_ " Dorothy praised, popping another one in her mouth "How did you manage to find so many of them?" she asked.

"Oh, _it was nothing_ " Akechi happily waived, illuminated by the fire "I just stumbled across them. Agent Jayden was the one who helped me pick, isn't that right?" he said, nudging his friend. Normahn wasn't really paying attention "What? Oh, uh, yeah..." he muttered, still preoccupied with the ARI.

"Be better if we had some meat" Frank chewed, eating his " _just sayin_ ".

"Ah Frank, come on..." George said.

"What? _It's just a fuckin opinion!_ " Frank retorted, still eating "Christ, why's everyone _JUMPIN_ me all of a sudden..."

"Well, to my tastes, I must say this is a fine supper, Mista Reyonlds" Mr T interjected, holding his book out to read "I have no quarrel with those who must hunt or raise flocks to survive, but in my opinion, _I pity the fool_ who is privileged and eats meat, even when he surrounded by the **_Bounties of Nature_** "

Almost like some sort of joke, the camera then cut back to the Falcons where Chad was eating some cooked Racoon on a stick, the animal's pelt fashioned into a hat on his head.

"You want som?" he offered to Toriel, mouth full'a coon.

"Oh, um, no thank you. I don't eat meat" she politely declined. Chad just shrugged and took another ** _CRUNCHY_** bite out of his. Unsurprisingly, a single racoon wasn't exactly enough to feed **7 people** , so it had to be spread kinda thin amongst everyone. Guess Chad didn't really think that one through

"Augh, _why I'd get the get the_ _ **guts?**_ " Sargon complained.

"If ya don't want em I'll fuckin 'ave em, cunt" Chad said, grasping to take them from him. Sargon pulled away from him, not letting him take his only food, even if it was disgusting. As if that would somehow emasculate him even more than he'd already been this whole time he'd been on the Island.

At least he wasn't Zarya. Zarya got all the bones. She had to crack em open with her fucking teeth and eat the marrow. Fuck

 _ ***CRUNCH***_

Jesus Christ

Well, uh, anyway, it didn't take long for the Falcons to finish their meaty dinner. Like a bunch of birds nibbling at carrion. You know, except Toriel, but no one really cared if she had a proper dinner. More meat for them

 _*BBBBUUUUUURRRRRRPPP*_

Chad let out a large belch and patted his fat belly, much to the slight disgust of everyone else. "Welp" he said, casually wiping his mouth " _That was a good dinner_ "

"Yeah, it was alright" Jay agreed. He had it lucky; he got the ribs. Jerma got the fucking head.

"I-I think that, uh" Mike slurred "Mine tasted kinda _fucky?_ Like _gross?_ Dis _gusting?_ Is this what they call a, uh, uh... fucking... _gamey_ taste? Is that what this is?" he asked, making obvious his usual disgusting midwestern American diet "I mean, I never had _**wild raccoon**_ before but uh... ya know, it wasn't no _Chunky's Chicken_ , I'll tell ya that much" he said, trying to wash down the flavor with more beer.

"I'll tell ya this much, boys" Chad started, using a small bone as a toothpick "Once this is all over, and you cunts all lost I got that big fuckin _**cash prize**_ , I aint gonna be eatin no fuckin raccoon in tha woods, thas for sure".

"Oh **ho** _ **ho!**_ " Mike jested in fake enthusiasm "Feeling a bit, uh, sure of ourselves, aren't we Chad?" he drunkenly poked, taking another sip from his drink.

"Yeah, who the fuck said _you_ were gonna win, dude?" Jerma also poked.

Chad just took their jests in stride "I did, _cunt_ " he proclaimed, confidently pointing at himself " _Let me tell you boys something_ , roight? _Let me-_ " he cracked up laughing, and Mike, Jay, and Jerma did as well. Sargon and Toriel just sat there uncomfortably next to all these drunken idiots while Zarya continued to eat her _bones_. It was worth nothing that at this point Chad had also helped himself to Mike and Jay's beer as well (since it was the only drinks they had) and that he reeked of booze, sweat, and meat, even moreso than usual. " _Let me tell you_ "

Cracking open another one and taking a swig, he continued "When I get that fuckin, uh, **5 billion dollar prize** , roight? _FIRST THING_ I'm doin is buyin me a _BIG_ mansion. No more fuckin beggin fa shit off twitch, roight?. Gonna get me a pool in the back, fuckin nice car; _2 sluts_ , new pair everyday, gonna be suckin my fockin _NUT_ while I'm blastin cunts on XBOX. It's gonna be so fuckin cash. Gonna be _LIVIN LARGE, BOYS!_ " he exclaimed, doing a little toast with his drink " _Livin large..._ "

"Well that's uh, that's interesting, Chad" Jay lied, eager to move the conversation away from Chad's disgusting lifestyle "What Mike and I were planning on doing if _we_ ended up winning was going back to making our own movies"

"Yeah" Mike chimed in "We're gonna ditch YouTube and all those _stupid fucking idiots_ who only watch us for Star Wars and Capeshit, and uh-" Mike suddenly remembered they were on TV and turned to the camera "Oh I'm sorry, I mean, uh, **'Precious darling viewers who we love dearly,** ** _please don't unsubscribe',_** um-" he and Jay cracked up at his forced, uncaring apology.

He continued "Uh but yeah, we're gonna finally make our own **shitty movie ideas** that we always had. Like uh, _Space Cop 2_ and that fucking adaptation of _Infinite Jest_ Rich was talking about. Just random shit. We're gonna pay a bunch of A-List Hollywood _hacks_ to star in them, market them to fucking hell, have no one see or watch them and have them _bomb like_ _ **Nagasaki**_ because no one cares about movies anymore, and then after we've run out of money, uh, hopefully _we'll be dead by then_ and we won't have to witness or review the future fucking _dumpster fires_ that Hollywood's gonna put out because they only care about money since the art of filmmaking is _fucking dead_ and every thing's just a soulless cash grab or remake now because no one has any artistic integrity anymore. Um..."

Mike laughed "Sorry, _guess that got kind of depressing there at the end_ " he joked

"Jesus Christ..." Jerma remarked, shocked by Mike's severe pessimism regarding the state of the film industry. "Well, if _**I**_ win" he started "I'm gonna use the cash to break into the _**Showbiz**_ ; be an actor/comedian like I always dreamed of when I was I a kid. Make my own TV show- _NO!_ My own TV _CHANNEL..._ Call it: _'Jermatainment TV'_ " he mused, holding his hands out to the stars like he was envisioning something grand "I'm gonna make it big; people are gonna _LOVE_ it!"

Jay turned to him quizzically "Y-You wanna go into showmaking?" he questioned "Isn't TV, like... _dying?_ "

"Well, fine, whatever" Jerma responded "I'll put it on Netflix or fuckin Hulu; NO, _BETTER IDEA_ : I'll start my own fucking STREAMING SERVICE! like Disney did! _'Jermatainment NOW'_! Build my own media empire and run everyone else outta business! It'll be _ **beautiful!**_ "

"WHAT WILL EVEN BE PREMISE OF LITTLE AMERICAN MAN SHOW?" Zarya asked, joining the conversation.

"Yeah, 'the fuck ya even gonna put on there?" Chad added

"Will it be political?" Sargon even asked like a fucking idiot. Everyone was kinda getting invested in this at this point, playing along and asking Jerma questions.

"Well I'll _tell ya!_ " Jerma exclaimed, standing up and excitedly getting ready to pitch his show. Everyone looked at expectantly "Okay, so; Picture this: It's a sitcom, right? I'm the main character. _JIM CARREY is my wacky next door neighbor..._ "

As Jerma pitched his terrible idea for a show, the camera slowly panned up from their camp to the sky, where a full moon could be seen shining above the trees. The shot hung on the moon, and the voices of the falcons faded out until that of Rats faded in as the shot panned down to reveal the Rat encampment. It was pretty kino cinematography.

They had finished their berry dinner, and, somehow, the conversation between campers also fell on what they'd do with the cash if they ended up winning, with Dorothy going first.

"Well, if ** _I_** were to win, I think, um..." she thought for a bit before smiling warmly " _I think I'd like to give back to all those who made a difference in my life._ Rose, Blanche... even Stan if it means he'll finally take the hint and _buzz off_ " she remarked, the laugh track nearly choking on its own fucking putrid saliva. "But who I'd _really_ make sure to thank for all they've done for me, all the years they put up with me, is my own _mother_ " she said, putting an arm around Sophia, the live studio audience doing an _Awwwww_ at this. "Maybe... set us up in a nicer neighborhood. Use the money to go on cruises or vacations and really make those last years together count... that sound good, Ma?" she asked.

" _Forget **that!**_ " the older woman proclaimed, the heartwarming mood shifting entirely " _When **I** win_, I'm ditching you and those two lonely broads and movin back to _ITALY!_ " she announced, the laugh track bursting into flames as Dorothy's mood shifted back to her usual dour annoyance. " _'Make those last years together count'..._ please, ya think I'm goin somewhere? The way you eat I'll probably end up burying _YOU!_ " she declared, more stupid fucking dead laughter playing.

"Oh, Ma..." Dorothy sighed, rolling her eyes.

"What?" the elderly woman said "I'm only _joking,_ Pussycat! You can have some of the money... _as your inheritance!_ " she offered.

Dorothy just sighed again as more stock laughter played, her heartwarming attempt to connect and bond with her mother being a total failure. Oh well

" _You fuckin hear that?_ " Frank asked quietly to Remy, looking around skeptically for the source of the laughter. Remy just gave a lil shrug cuz he's a fuckin rat and he don't give no fucks.

"A-HYUCK, When I get that **c-c-c- _CASH_** , I'm gonna fuckin _MURDER_ my ex-wife PEG for _HYCUCKIN_ me with my neighbor PETE! I'm gonna **_BUTCHER_** those HYUCKING FAGGOTS and play with their BLOOD! _**A-HYUCK!**_ " Goofy psyschotically announced. "And then I'm gonna campin with mah boi MAX! **_A-HYUCK!_** "

"Oh, that's... nice" Akechi remarked, awkwardly taking a sip from a water bottle. Goofy had a tendency of saying completely bizarre shit, especially of a violent nature. Just last week he threatened to bash Zarya's skull in with his shoe, which got him chokeslammed during the Pre-dodgeball brawl. It was really nothing new, so a lot of the Rats just kinda brushed it off. Just Goofy bein a goofball. Classic Goof

"What are you gonna do with all that **duh-duh-duh- _DOSH_** , bruh?" Goofy asked Akechi

Akechi crossed his legs "Well, _should I win,_ I'd... like to travel the world" the young detective admitted "See the sights, great landmarks, experience different cultures, meet new people and leave Tokyo far behind... right after I've returned and finished my entrance exams, of course! Ha ha" he joked.

"Sounds nice" George commented

Akechi smiled at him "Thank you"

" _Mhmmmm…_ " Mr T agreed, nodding his head. He closed his copy of Plato's _The Republic_ and set it on his lap "It is interesting that you would like to travel the world, Goro Akechi; I **TOO** share a similar sentiment" he pronounced. "If I am to win this grand Reality Television Show Prize, I _**also** _would like to travel the world. Perhaps a... _pilgrimage_ to the spiritual and philosophical centers of this earth; Mecca, Jerusalem, Lhasa... mighty _Notre Dame_ (once it is repaired, of course). And then after I am finished on this quest of **Karmic evaluation and discovery** , I think I will use what is left to expand my library, or perhaps give to the... poor diseased children of Saint Judas The Apostle's Hospital. Something along those lines".

"Oh, that's wonderful, T" George praised, being the little suck up he was

"Really beautiful..." Dorothy agreed. Frank just sat there with his arms crossed and glared at everyone as they praised T, not saying a word.

"What about you, Norman?" Dorothy asked. Normahn wasn't paying attention, still fixated on the ARI. Akechi nudged him " _Ahem_ " getting his attention.

"Huh? ...W-What's goin on?" he asked, looking up.

Akechi repeated the question to him " _What would **YOU** do if you do with the money if you won the cash prize_, Agent Jayden?"

Normahn looked a lil embarrassed "Oh, uh..." he decided to put the ARI away, opening his jacket and shoving in a little pocket "I danno, uh... maybe _build a new gamin rig?_ Er, computah, I mean" he admitted, somewhat bashfully.

"You'd spend 5 _BILLION_ dollas on a _computer?_ " George asked

Normahn shifted in his seat "Well, NO! I'd, uh..." he struggled to come up with an answer that didn't make him sound like a weeb or a loser "...Ya know, I'd... invest? I guess? Maybe drop some dollas on _Kickstarteh?_ I dunno…"

"Well that's not _so_ bad" Akechi offered

George shrugged "To each his own, I guess"

These made Normahn feel a little better. Frank just continued to sit and glare at everyone, huffing through his nose and growing more irritated by the minute.

George continued "Well, uh, _for me_ , I got somethin **_real special_** lined up if _I win_ " he said, reaching in his back pocket and pulling out something. He held it out for everyone to see. It was cap for the _New York Yankees_.

" _I'm buyin a **Baseball Team!**_ " he announced quite happily.

This caught the interest of everyone else, who promptly asked questions like "Realleh?" "Baseball?" "What Team?" "You really think you can manage the Yankees, baldy?". Most the Rats were intrigued by George's announcement. All except Frank who just continued to sit there and seethe.

George was more than happy to reveal his great plan: to assemble a sort "Avengers: Endgame" team of Baseball players from across America. From Mike Trout to Mookie Betts; Jose Altuve to Max Scherzer; etc etc. He would put together the greatest Baseball team that ever existed, and would fund it all with the 5 Billion from winning this shitty reality show.

"Interesting..." Akechi remarked

"Well that's very _ambitious,_ George!" Dorothy commented, supportive of middle aged loser's great dream.

"Yeah, maybe a little _TOO_ ambitious if ya ask me" Sophia also inserted

"It would certainly be a lot of work, _George Constanza_ , but I believe you could do it" Mr T finished.

George just soaked it all up, happy like a kid that some people believed in him "Well... Well _thank you!_ My friends Jerry and Elaine back home called it dumb, but it's real encouraging to know that some people support it! I..." he almost got choked up "...I-I just hope that by the end of this, _whoever wins_ , that **we're all still _friends_** ". This prompted an "Awwwww" from the live studio audience, as well a few appreciative smiles and remarks from all the other Rats. Excluding Frank, of course.

****Confession: George****

"Gosh, heh!" he let out, beaming from ear to ear "This is just incredible; I-I never knew people could be this _friendly!_ It's like we're all one big _family!_ Oh..."

****End Confession****

****Confession: Frank****

" _This is gay!_ " he exclaimed, disapprovingly smoking a cig

****End Confession****

"How 'bout you, Remy?" George asked, still high on the kinship of his team "If you won, what'd you do?"

Remy gave a few appreciative nods and squeaks, squeaking and acting out what he'd apperantly do with the money. I'm not sure why George thought he'd be able to understand him, given that Remy's, ya know, a literal rat. And he'd never spoken a lick of human words, let alone English, in his entire rodent life.

But apperantly Goofy somehow inexplicably knew French-Rat, and could translate for him "He said he'd start his own _R-R- **Rat Restaurant!**_ "

"Awww" Dorothy let out, finding it a lil cute how such a small creature could have such BIG ideas.

"Well that's just swell" George commented, smiling like a fucking idiot.

He turned to his Philadelphian counterpart "Aint that swell, Frank?" he asked.

Frank just glared at him, ready to burst " _ **...NOoooO!**_ " he replied snarkily "It is not _**SWEeeeELL!**_ ; It's fuckin _DISGUSTING!_ " he shouted, standing up. He had enough of this stupid hugbox confessional, and was ready to let loose how stupid he thought everybody's plans were "Jesus Christ, are you fucking serious?! Fuckin _Rat_ wants to start a _food joint?_ What fuckin _COUNTRY_ would allow that?! **_France?!_ **Do they really let fuckin _VERMIN_ cook over there?! **CHRIST!** "

Frank's outburst surprised a few Rats, like Dorothy and George. Everyone else was just kinda uncomfortable. I mean he has a point.

"I gotta agree with shorty on this" Sophia chimed in, surprisingly taking Frank's side "No offense little guy, but uh... I dunno if I really want ya handlin my food. _No offense_ " she said to Remy. A close up on the rat showed him shrugging in a sort of _"What the fuck, dudes?"_ manner.

Dorothy looked irritated at both her mother and Frank "Well there's no need to be _rude_ about it" she huffed, adjusting her blouse "It's probably better than whatever YOU'D come up with... Let me guess, a, uh, a trip to a _nude beach?_ Hm? Sunbathing in the _Bahamas_ with a _sandwich?_ " she mocked.

Frank held up two fingers "Two words, doll: **COKE** and **HOOKERS**. I'm gonna make whatever degenerate shit Chris is doin look like a fuckin JOKE; I'm gonna PIMP OUT that _shithole_ I'm livin in, find me a nice broad with a **_FAT_** _dumper_ to settle down with, live it up like a **KING** , then _MAYBE_ I'll consider going on vacation. But not to the Bahamas, fuck that, I'm headin ta FIJI!"

No one was impressed with Frank's degenerate ambitions "...And yeah sure, I'll give a few GRAND to my buddies. Ya know, buy em a fancy watch or somethin. But beyond that it'll the _Century of Frank_. I'm gonna have one kid in every country across the world. That way, when I finally kick the bucket, they'll all be left to fight over the scraps. And the strongest will be whoever wins..." Frank chuckled to himself as he gazed into the fire, the warm glow shimmering off his eyes.

"How... **_Hedonistic_** of you, Mista Reynolds" Mr T commented, visibly disgusted.

"Ey! it's a lot better than giving it to some KIDS or whatever the fuck YOU were planning" Frank countered "At least I'm putting shit back into the _Economy!_ Lord knows we need it..."

Dorothy just scoffed, shaking her head "Well it's a good thing to know that something like THAT'LL never happen!".

Frank snapped back at her "Who says, huh? What, you think you and old _dry bones_ over there are gonna win? Retire to some country villa and reminisce about your _ARTHRITIS?!_ "

" _Oh!_ " Sophia let out, in a manner similar to Paulie Walnuts from _The Sopranos_.

"What did you just say?" Dorothy growled out, offended

Frank continued, unabashed "You heard me. For your information, _hon_ , Only ONE of us gets to win the end; You're gonna have to _BACK-STAB_ someone at _SOME_ Point!" he let out furiously.

George stepped in, desperate to defuse things "Frank, come on, _**stop!**_ " he shouted

Frank was exasperated "Wha-? ME?! She was the one who fuckin STARTED this!" he yelled

"No she didehn't" Normahn said

"Yeah"

"If I'm recalling correctly, it was YOU who broke this harmony, Franklin Reynolds" Mr T denounced.

"Wha- _NO!_ **Come on!** " Frank shouted, everyone turning against him. For the second time that day, he had tried to assert himself as leader and arbitrer; only to fail once more. Every shred of credibility and leadership he once wielded was gone.

George placed his hand on his shoulder "Frank... _come on_ " he offered. Frank just huffed like pissed angsty teen, and sat back down on his log, seething in impotent rage. The conversation between the Rats soon returned to it's friendly atmosphere, Frank stuck left out in the cold, seething as everyone conversed around him. Bitter Fuck

Anyway, the camera then cut back to the Falcons, where Jerma was STILL pitching his shitty sitcom idea.

"...So after THAT Season, then I start tying in the Puppets, right? I _buy the rights_ to Kermit and shit and bring THEM on! _THEN,_ in the **series finale** where me and _Gaston-Me_ are duking it out, _Everyone comes back!_ They all take part, like fuckin _Avengers: Endgame!_ " he exclaimed enthusiastically, all the other Falcons just listening in morbid fascination "We all fuckin, uh- W-We battle for _Control of the Universe!_ "

He starts naming off characters "GlueMan, Paul Bearer, The Lobster People, Steve Buscemi and fuckin, uh, uh, uh **_roided up Candle from Beauty and the Beast!_** " He exclaimed "All those characters I set up battle it out in one final _Live-Action **Jermamania!**_ The fucking VIEWS will be through the roof! Everyone'll love it! It'll be like _Seinfeld!_ " he shouted, powerfully holding his fists up in the night air. No one really knew how to respond to the bizarre, creatively insane 12 season show that he'd just pitched, and so they all just sat there, the fire crackling awkwardly being the only sound as Jerma kept his triumphant pose.

Finally, Chad spoke "Roight, well you'd 'ave to pay me ta watch that _shit_ " he remarked, popping open another beer and taking a sip. Chad's comment kinda summed up how everyone felt, and Jerma just continued to pose awkwardly as no one else spoke. Not even Mike and Jay, who just sipped their beers with thousand yard stares. It was pretty cringy, and I think even Jerma realized it at some point because eventually he just sat back down, trying to pretend that all just didn't happen.

Christ.

.

.

.

" _So Toriel_ " Mike suddenly started, in that same lifeless enthusiasm he always possessed " _What would YOU do with all that drug money?_ " he asked.

Toriel was surprised to be put on the spot, and it took her a good second to come up with a response "Me? Um... I-I don't know, uh" she twiddled her fingers a bit "...I-I guess I'd give some to my family? Make sure my son's **student loans** are paid off? I don't know, I really don't NEED that much money, um..." she shrugged in a cute way "I guess I'd just give the rest to Charity? Maybe that foundation for underprivileged Monster Kids? I dunno…" she said, uncomfortably shifting in her seat. She really hadn't thought this through when she applied, let alone if she won. It was kind of a _'spur of the moment encouraged by your drunk fish friend'_ thing.

"GIVING IT TO _CHEELDREN?_ **HA!** THAT IS BEING A FUNNY JOKE!" Zarya exclaimed, laughing heartily at the idea "TELEVISION SHOW PRIZ WILL BE USED TO MAKE NEW STRENGTH GAINS FOR MOTHERLAND" she said, kissing one of her muscles. It's not clear what exactly she meant by that, and I don't think anyone else knew either. Oh well

"Well, uh *Ahem*" Sargon coughed, injecting himself into the conversation "Thas, uh, thas great, Aleks!" he said, quickly shifting the focus to himself "Ya know _for me,_ uh, _If I won..._ I'm thinkin about givin anotha go at **parliament!** " he announced, smiling toothily.

"Ah Christ..." Chad groaned, preparing to endure another lecture on SJWs or some shit. His sentiment was shared by most of the other Falcons.

"Now now _'old on!_ " Sargon defended amongst the growing groans "I think I got a real chance this time!"

"Didn't you fuckin embarrass yaself enough last time?" Chad asked, referring to the whopping **3.22%** of the vote he got when last tried running "You really think a bunch'a _dosh_ is gonna change that?"

"Well... _no!_ I-" Sargon sighed and threw his hands up "Look; it's gonna be different this time, roight? I'm gonna-"

" _No it fuckin **won't!**_ " Chad laughed, continuing with his bullying of Sargon "How tha fuck do you recover from 'avin ya damn **_Patrion_** get shut down cuz ya flagged some fockin _YOUTUBE_ Videos?"

"Wait what happened?" Jay asked, confused at what they were talking about.

" _Nothin!_ **Alroight?!** " Sargon exclaimed, irritated, "Now jus-!"

"Oh, ya didn't 'ear?" Chad said, gesturing to Sargon with his fat thumb " _Carl here_ got his fuckin channel suspended cus he couldn't handle people makin fun of 'im. _Can you believe that?_ " he mocked, knowing all the hot shit Sargon's YouTube channel was in. Zarya, who was sitting next to Sargon, snorted a mighty Russian snort of laughter. Sargon's bitter humilation just grew.

Jerma tilted his head a bit since, as a fellow "tuber", as the kids say this days, this interested him "Wait, really? What did he-"

"Look, it's not wot it seems, kkay?!" the brit insisted "It's all one big-"

"Fuckin dumbass couldn't _'andle the bantz_ " Chad declared, boldly not giving a shit about Sargon or what he thought. He then proceeded to spill everything Sargon's **YouTube Skeptic Channel _Disaster_** , from the retarded flagging campaign on his enemies, to those _embarrassing_ leaked reddit chatlogs that read like he was crying while writing them. And Sargon just had to sit there and take it as he did. Arms crossed and pouting as all his dirty laundry was aired out to everyone.

"...And so that's fucked, so uh *laughs* So I think old _**Carl**_ here's YouTube channel is pretty much done, so ta speak" Chad finished, taking another swig from his drink. The revelation of Carl's internet misdeeds didn't exactly send shockwaves through the Falcon ranks, though some, like Zarya, found it amusing " _HEH..._ " she snickered.

With this humiliation done, Sargon pressed on "Well look, it doesn't _matta_ what you think, roight? Cus I'm gonna _win this **fockin thing**_ " he proclaimed.

"No ya not" Chad countered

"Yes I am" Sargon replied

"No ya _not!_ "

"Yes, I _AM_ "

"Mate, I can fuckin Garun _TEE_ that you won't win this damn thing" Chad stated "You won't even make it ta the final _TEN_. Look-" he picked up another beer bottle and tried cracking it open, only for it to fizz out on him, which he laughed at. He was pretty toasted at this point, and didn't care what he said " _Look-_ " he resumed " _Here's what gonna 'appen._ I'm callin it now, call me fuckin, uh, _Notre Damus_ "

" _NOSTRAdamus_ " Sargon corrected.

"Yeah whatever" Chad continued " _Here's what gonna 'appen_ : In one these fuckin challenges, roight? One of these contests, ya gonna piss up somewhere. Even bigga than ya usually do. Ya either gonna puss out, or- or just refuse ta do somethin, and it's gonna cost the team. I don't know _when_ , I don't know _where_ , but I know _HOW_. Ya gonna make all us look like a buncha _poofs_ and then throw a big _bitchfit_ when ya get voted off, like every other toim, and then make one last shitty **YouTube video** where you MAYBE admit some fault, and then blame everyone else for what 'appened. Or call Chris a fuckin _SJW_ , or whateva the fuck you do. Then you're gonna get a job cleaning up piss at a Café in _Salisbury_ , and no one's gonna ever hear from you again"

"I'm callin it _NOW!_ " he declared "I think I know you well enough at this point to accurately predict somethin like that 'appening. I mean, I'm sorry- well, _I'm not really_ , but that's just what's gonna 'appen, cus that's what you are, really. Just a big **liablity;** ta _**everyone**_. A useless **_cunt_** in every manner of the word" he roasted, leaning back on his log.

This was harsh even by Chad's standards, and everyone was on edge. Like a fight between two parents. Or two retarded bong e-celebs.

Sargon just sat there, lips pursed and glaring at him, the only sounds being some owls fucking and the fire crackling. He took a deep breath and held it all in as he responded "...You know wot? **_Fock you_ , Chad**" he spat out.

" _Yeah up yours too, cunt_ " Chad flung back out, not even giving a shit as he british flipped him off and took another swig of his drink.

Sargon couldn't hold it in any longer and grabbed a discarded beer bottle "...Fuckin piec'a _SHIT!_ " he yelled, launching it at Chad's head. The bottle **_SMASHED_** into his fucking temple and EXPLODED everywhere, embedding shards of glass in his fat face and beer running everyingwhere. There was massive " _OH!_ " from the rest of the Falcons, except from Zarya who looked excited to fianlly see some violence.

****Confession: Sargon***

"He had it comin, olright? Fuck 'im!" he defended

****End Confession****

" ** _AGH!_** Motha- _ **FUCKER!**_ " Chad recoiled, dropping his drink and covering his bleeding face. His pain soon turned to rage, only enhanced by the alcohol, and he fucking lunged at Sargon " ** _YOU FUCKING-_** "

"Guys, GUYS _STOP!_ " Jerma yelled coming between them, Chad wet with sweat, blood, and alcohol and Sargon readying another bottle to defend himself "We're supposed to be on a fuckin _**TEAM**_ here!"

" _He started it!_ " Sargon accused

" ** _BITCH, C'MERE_!**" Chad shouted

As Jerma just _barely_ held the two sweaty brits apart with his compact manlet muscles, Toriel decided to scooch herself away from the conflict, lest she get caught in the schlubby crossfire. When she first arrived, she used to think shit like this was shocking. But at this point she'd just learned to tolerate the incessant and gratuitous violence that so easily broke out the hellhole known as _Wawanakwa_.

She ended up sitting next to Mike and Jay, who were just casually discussing shit like they always did despite the _**Britbong Brawl**_ that was about to break out. Jay looked down at his drink, and then back to Toriel. "You want one?" he asked, holding it out.

"Oh, um, no thanks. I tend to make bad decisions when I drink..." she said. Jay just shrugged and took another swig, turning back to his overweight Milwaukeen companion.

"Hey Mike, does it feel like we're _missing anyone?_ " he asked, the camera cutting to a wide shot of the encampment, showing Sargon and Chad still fighting, and a oddly empty space where an Italian man and wheelchair ridden woman could fit.

"Hey, you're right..." Mike commented, snapping his fingers and furrowing his eyes "Weren't we on a team with _Donald Trump's Son_ or some shit?" he asked,looking around..

"Oh, Mike, Barron got voted off like 3 episodes ago" Jay corrected.

" _Whaaaat?_ " Mike asked drunkenly, the sounds of Sargon, Chad, and Jerma yelling in the background " _...YOU FAT FUCK!_ " Sargon could be heard choking.

Anyway, after that horrible unoriginal obligatory repeated scene of Sargon getting bullied by Chad for the 80th fucking time, the camera cut to the eponymous missing couple of fucking idiots, who were currently Mario Kart Double-Dashing through the woods.

" _*HUFF-A* *HUFF-A*_ " Mario panted, sweatily and panickedly pushing his retard-wife through the forest. Behind them could be heard the grunts of what sounded like a mighty beast, chasing after them. Whatever it was, it was big, and was ready to fuck em up.

"Shit-a, _Shit-a!"_ he huffed, realizing he had steered into him and his vegetable wife into a dead end. No where left to run. No red shell to throw to get ahead. The great beast slowed it's pursuit, creeping closer now that it had them cornered. The meek plumber turned in fear, seeing it rise on its hindlegs. It was least 10 ft tall, and as big and imposing as Bowser. Tears and sweat dripping down his dirt covered face, Mario stood infront of the wheelchair ridden peach and shielded his vegetable wife as bravely as he could muster. She remained silent in all of this. The Mushroom Kingdom's once valiant protector could only shake powerlessly as the beast edged closer; snout blowing steam, sharp teeth and claws snarling and scratching; piercing, yellow bloodshot eyes shining in the dark. If only he had a fire flower. Or a Tanuki suit to fly away or something.

" _ **GRRRrrrrr...**_ " the beast let out, getting up close to the plumber's face, letting him see the full expanse of it's razor sharp maw. Mario was frozen with fear; some of the beast's slobber was dripping on Peach. " **...gggggrrrRR _RAWWWWWW!_** " it roared, raising its monstorous paw for a cleaving strike. It was all over. Mario shut his eyes, he braced for blood and pain. The Beast's paw fell and brutally rip-

 _ ***CIr-RICK-ICK!***_ a glass bottle could be heard breaking in the distance.

The beast raised its head, perking its sillohueted ears for the source of the sound.

 ***Clash!* *Bang!* _*Crack!*_**

The more immediate sounds drew its attention, along with radiant glow of a raising purple fire just above the treeline. The mighty manimal let out a rolling growl before retreating back on all fours, leaving Mario and Peach behind, relatively unharmed.

"A-Ah... _A-Ahhh-h-hhh..._ " Mario breathed out, piss drippling down his overalls and around his feet.

A _fwoosh!_ cut back to the Falcon camp, the drunken brawl between Sargon and Chad escelating. Jerma's """5'8'"" muscles had failed to hold the monster of drunken Chad back, and the australian 'tuber was chasing Sargon in circles around the fire.

"C'mere, _C'MERE!_ " he slurred, anticipating his british counterpart's movement across the fire. Sargon paced his movements, sidestepping across to avoid his path, trying outwit him to the best of his ability. All the while the drunken sop threw beers into the fire, igniting it with it's alcohol and causing it to flare up. Naturally, everyone else had to back up into the treeline in order stay out of the crossfire, which was really putting an even bigger damper on things. I think just about everyone was sick of this Chad vs Sargon bit by now. Except Zarya of course

"BE OF KICKING HIS ASS, FAT MAN!" she cheered, watching them run around the fire.

Suddenly Sargon tripped "Agh, fock!" he grunted, trying to push himself off the mildewy grass. Chad siezed the opportunity and grabbed him, yanking him over to punch his stupid face.

"GggGGOTChA nOW!" he slurred, readying his fat fist.

The POV briefly switched to Sargon's, and he readied for the sweaty drunken australian beat down, a sillohuete emerged behind Chad. That of a beast

" **A-A- _AHHHHHHH!_** " he let out in a girlish scream.

"Yyeah you betta croi ya fuckin-!" Chad was cut off by a large _SWIPE_ to his ribs, comically flinging him into a tree; Out for the count. The creature finally stepped into visible light and revealed itself: A fucking _**G I G A** **\- B E A R**_

 _ **"RAAAAWWWWRRRRRRR!"**_ it roared out

"AGH!" Toriel shrieked

"OH _FUCK!_ " Jerma shouted. Everyone was panicking, and the music reflected this. For this section, imagine John Coltrane's _Giant Steps_ , but a bit faster and more chaotic, to fit the mood of a bear attack.

"Oh mY _GAWWWWD!_ " Mike yelled. "Jesus Christ!" Jay exclaimed. The duo ducked out of the way of a flung log, as the bear was now going wild and rampaging at the campers. Shit was breaking, the tents were being ripped up, everyone was running around screaming running away; it was chaos.

"JESUS F _uC_ K!" Jerma whimpered trying to climb up a tree with ripped claw marks down the back of his shirt. He got them from tripping over Chad's comatose body and almost getting caught after trying throw some bones at the beast so it'd go away. The scent of bone marrow and the freshly butchered raccoon just heightened its bloodlust. It ripped that coonskin hat Chad made to bits. What a waste of good millinery.

" _UUUAWWWGGGGHH!_ " Mike scremed drunkenly, the bear haven bitten into his calf and shaking him around.

"HEH HEH" Zarya chuckled, cracking her knuckles. Through all this, she was the only one to stay calm "I WRESTLE _MEDVED_ BIGGER THAN THEES ALL THE TIME IN MOTHERLAND" she gloated, approaching the mighty Ursine. Tapping the beast on the back, it turned around, Milwaukee flavored calf meat in its maw.

"GEEV ME BEST SHOT, _FAGOT GRIZLI!_ " She challenge. The mighty bear blinked, and then delivered the most savage _cunt-punt_ of the decade with it's bear foot. " _OIGCH!_ " Zarya grunted, legs crossing and doubling over in pain " _DRAGOTSENNAYA KISKA!_ " she yelled out, the bear just straight up punching her in the face after, putting her down. Ouch. Well that fucking failed

"Agh- Hey! W-What are you doing?!" Toriel sputtered, the panicked Sargon hiding behind her, the bear approaching. He had miraculously not gotten killed earlier when the Bear knocked out Chad, but got a pretty nasty claw mark on his cheek trying to escape.

"Are you kidding?! Y-You got fockin **FIRE Magic** roight?! D-D-Deal with him or something _goddammit!_ " he squealed, on the verge of crying.

"I-I-! Uh! I-I-I mean I really don't, uh-! U-Use it like _that_ often! I-! I-!" the Goat woman sputtered, mind racing in a thousand directions "I- I- _ImostlyjustuseitforcookingandstuffI'mnotabattlemageoranythingI'mjustahousewifeIdon'tknowtheproperhandlingofpyromancyinacombatsettingI-Idon'twannahurtanyonea-andit'snothateasytodoinhighpressuresituationslikethisIneedtofocusr-reallyhardotherwiseIcan'treallycontrolitanditcouldgoeverywherea-a-a-andstarta **forestfire** andI-Ican'treally-!_"

"JESUS CHROIST!" Sargon screamed in fear, hands moving on their own toward a firmly lit piece of log that had gotten jostled in the chaos. He stabbed toward the great beast with the flame, still hiding behind Toriel and surprisingly pushing it back. Despite everything, the _**G I G A** **-**_ was still a wild animal, and thus was wary of the power of flame.

For a moment, things were still, and the chaos seemed to die down as Sargon held the bear back with his torch. Just then-

 _ ***POW!***_

A gunshot rang off in the distance of the otherwise quiet woods, and the bear, ever the seeker of loud disruptive noises, set off, leaving the Falcons behind.

The old caveman technique had worked. Everyone huffed as the Great Grizzly left, their camp in tatters yet everyone still (mostly) intact. And in the middle of it, Sargon with a blazing torch, burning violet in the night air, breathing heavily.

 _ **10-15 minutes earlier...**_

The camera cut away back to Rat camp, where things were still going pretty smooth. Everyone was getting along, chatting and finishing off their berry dinner (aside from Frank who still pissedly sitting off to the side), and things were just about winding down for tent-time.

"Auwwwghhh...!" Sophia yawned in her elderly italian way "Welp, I'd say that's about it for me. You coming, Pussycat?" she asked, crouchingly holding the opening to their tent open as she got ready for bed. It was getting pretty late, and she already had enough wrinkles.

"You go ahead, Ma! I'll catch up" Dorothy responded, opting to stay up a little later with the rest of the team, who were gathered around the campfire telling stories and playin cards and shit. The Elderly sicillian just shrugged and got in her tent. " _Ey, private party pal!_ " her muffled voice, said before tossing out a raccoon that was her in tent. An equally muffled laugh track could be heard playing from inside the tent. Dorothy just smiled.

****Confession: Dorothy****

"You know, in all honesty, I guess we really _should_ be getting to bed but..." she threw up her arms happily "I dunno! It just feels so **good** to be... accepted ya know? To be _apart_ of a team and to make a _difference_ and just...!" She sighed in assured bliss "To know it was all thanks to **you** ".

****End Confession****

Frank is sitting on a nearby log by himself. He's bitterly crossing his arms, shivering slightly away from the group's fire and getting bitten by mosquitoes. He slaps the back of his head after getting bit "Agh! What the-?" he pulls his hand back and looks down at it. A grotesque flapjack-esque close-up shows a squashed mousquito in the his palm, twitching and grossly inflated with the Philedelphian's blood. "Alright fuck this" Frank declares, marching past the other Rats and into his tent.

"Goodnight Mr Reynolds!" Akechi politely offered. Frank paid him no mind and simply shut his tent with a huff. Goro was a slightly taken aback by this, but George waived it off.

"Ah, just ignore him. He's bein a big BABY!" he said, placing down a card on the stump.

"A G-G-G- _GIN!_ Guh-HYUCK!" Goofy declared, showing off his cards and thus winning their game of Gin Rummy. Remy cursed something in his squeaky rat voice and angrily threw down his cards, going on some tirade no one could understand.

"Ah, Shit..." Norman followed, dejectedly putting his cards down as well. Despite the otherwise jovial mood of the camp, his mind was still in a funk from earlier, and just couldn't get into it. "Just couhnt me outta the next one, guys. I think I'm gonna head to behd soon too anehyway" he said, getting up.

"Well in that case, count me IN!" Dorothy exclaimed, quickly taking his place at the card stump.

"Are you sure, Agent Jayden?" Akechi asked.

"Yeah..." the Fed responded, leaning against their camp's big tree like a depressed fuck. Gorbo just shrugged and returned to the game.

"You want in, Laurence?" Dorothy asked, passing out the cards. Mr T was currently hanging by one of the large branches by his ankles, reading some Kierkgard book upside down.

Mr T shook his head, turning another upside down page "I think not. I'm afraid I can no longer Card-Shark in good conscience, though I thank you for your invitation" he spoke.

"Al-right, suit your-self..." George licked, focusing on his cards. For awhile, the camp was silent. The only sounds were the crickets, and the sounds of the flipping of cards and book pages. "So, you uh... hear about Donald? All this impeachment shit goin on?" George threw out.

"Oh, _please_ " Dorothy added with a huff, adjusting a card "We are having a good evening, I do NOT want to talk politics".

"Well, uh, n-no! _Me neither!_ I was just, uh..." George scratched for an answer and cleared his throat "-thinking about **Barron!** That kid! Man, first he gets voted off and then this! What a, uh... _*Ahem!*_ a shame..."

"Yeeeeayup!" Goofy agreed "Reminds me'a when C-C-C-Child Se- _HYUCK!_ -services tried to take mah boi away from ME! A DARN shame..."

"Yes, there are MANY senseless things going on in this world..." Dorothy absentmindedly agreed "Reminds me of that shooting we had awhile back. You remember? At that club?"

"Oh yeah!" George chimed "That, uh, that _FBI Agent_ who shot that dude! I remember!" he said.

"Oh, no, George, not that one" Dorothy corrected "That one in Orlando. You know, Pulse? That gay club that got-".

"Hey Norm!" George called out. Normahn suddenly perked up where he was brooding against that tree, almost fallen asleep. "You're a fed, right? You remember that agent who accidentally shot that guy while he was drunk or somethin?"

Normahn shifted uncomfortably "What? wasn't thaht like... _2 yeahrs agoh?_ Why ya askin me..."

"Well did ya know him? Work together? What happened to that guy anyway?" George pressed, that last question to no one in particular.

Normahn shifted again "I danno, I never really..." he holds the ARI, peering at it warily "...paid attehntion to that stuff...". For a moment, the flickering button prompts could be seen running through his eyes again, but they disappeared after he blinked hard a few times.

"And what happened to your sunglasses?" George continued, referring to the taped up ARI. Normahn felt bashful. He really was in the right mood to be grilled on trivial shit.

"They're not sunglassehs, they're a... well it's ah..." his social anxiety was failing him "...They'rhe-

"They're a sophisticated pair of vision-enhancing glasses that make the collection of evidence and forensics easier" Akechi chimed in for his companion, casually laying another down on the stump "Is that right, Agent Jayden?" he finished, looking up at him.

Normahn blinked "Uh, Yeah! That's what it ihs!" he said with much more confidence "Kinda like a... VEE-AHR that you can use to anehlize stuff"

"Oh, cool!" George complimented.

"Very impressive..." Dorothy added, more focused on the game. Their words felt good to the FBI Agent though, and gave him strength to press on.

"Yah, there's uh, all kinds'a otha stuff too! A camerah, web browsah, bluetoo-"

"Play some _H-YUCKIN_ music, _bRUh_ " Goofy ordered, impatient since his current hand fucking sucked, and since in general talking about the ARI was starting to be more interesting. The Game was winding down anyway, and what better way to end this night than with one last hurrah.

"Oh, O-Okay!" Normahn said, quickly tapping some buttons on top of the ARI to shuffle through his playlists. Most of them were either video game soundtracks or weebshit, but eventually he found a real banger: _Boys Don't Cry_ by _The Cure_.

"Yeah... Now we're _talkin!_ " bobbin his head a bit and starting to stand up from the game. Goofy and Remy soon followed suit, and even Dorothy who usually detested music like this starting to get into the groove. Before long, they even started dancing, showing off their moves on live television. Because that's viewers tune in to see; the dance moves of a spangly dog-man, A fifty something year old woman with menopause, a stocky middle aged New Yorker, and a rat. At least Normahn looked happy, happy they were enjoying his music and accepting him. Aside from Akechi, that's not something he usually gets from people. He flashed his friend an appreciative smile, as if to say _'thank you'_ for getting him out of that jam earlier. Goro smiled brightly back at him from his seat on the grass, but stopped using it when Normahn turned his back again. Mr T just rolls his upside down eyes and continued to read.

By now the song had switched _Bizarre Love Triangle_ by _New Order_ , and George was fuckin breakin it down. "Oh! _OH!_ " he bellowed as he breakdanced like a mad lad on his hands and feet.

"Aha ha!" Dorothy laughed, amused by the sight while Goofy psychotically does the macarena in the background. It helped that there seemed to be soft purple glow in the distance beyond the treeline, almost illuminating the drab forest.

"Here, you try Norm!" George offered, getting off his feet and making room for him.

"W-Well uh, ahlright!" Normahn agreed, goin with the flow. What followed was a series of intense QTE prompts as he tried to replicate George's dance moves. Suprisingly, he was able to keep up with most of them, not looking like a total idiot. It was like DDR, but in the woods at a shitty summer camp. On the last move though, just as Bernard Sumner was singing "~E _VERYTIME I SEE YOU FALLIN, I GET DOWN ON MY KNEES AND PRAY~_ ", there was this really hard left stick movement prompt that he unfortunately fucked up, and ended up falling on his ass. It was all in good fun though. "Haha! O-Okay" he laughed, getting up. Unfortunately, he had dropped his gun when he fell and when he went to pick it up the prompt switched from a **[O]** to a fucking **[X]** and so-

 _ ***BANG***_

" _AWUGH!_ " George screamed "Oh SHIHT!" " **OH MY GOD!** " "OohWAaUuGH!" "My _God!_ " followed. The music abruptly cut back to the chaotic _Giant Steps_ from before as the scene unraveled.

The gun had went off, shooting George right in the fucking neck. Blood spurted as he fell back on the grass, gripping his wound and spasming violently " _MY NECK! **MY NECK!**_ " he screamed, blood spewing like a fire hydrant. Normahn fumbled with his smoking gun like a retard on adderall, freaking the FUCK out "My-! M-My Gun! I-I-I didn't-! It-It-It-It-IT FucKihn just-! I-!" "CaLL aN AMBUlaNCE Oh my _GOD!_ " Dorothy screamed hysterically. She had never seen anyone actually get shot this close before; hot blood was spittered on her face and her ears still rang. She didn't know what to fucking do and just held her face in horror as George continued to violently sieze. Goofy and Remy clamored over near her to their fallen Rat, equally panick-stricken at what to do. Akechi soon joined the small gathering, followed by the dismounted Mr T, who held his muscly ringed hand over his mouth at the scene.

"What's goin on?" Sophia could be heard saying. The camera cut to a shot of two tents. "What was that noise?" she asked, unzipping the cover of one. "BAM, _BAMM!_ " Frank shouted, instinctively charging out of his tent dual weilding guns after hearing the commotion. After crazily looking around for any threats, he noticed the scene before him and shouted "GEORGIE!" before running over. His stocky phildelphian figure soon joined the huddle, shoving Goro and Mistah T out his way "Oh god what they _DO_ TO YOU!?" he hollered, getting down to try and help.

"He has been _**shot**_ " Mr T gravely concluded. George continued to spasm brutally on the grass while Frank tried to stop the bleeding. "Yeah no SHIT Dumbass!" Frank snapped, Goofy moving to try and hold the Constanzan down "What the- What the FUCK you do to 'im you old BITCH?!" Frank demanded, pointing at Dorothy. "I.. I-I-I-I didn't do anything! I-! It was-! Norman was the dancing and GUN fell out, and-!" "Oh so it's your fault!?" Frank cut, the blame and camera shifting to Federal ARI user.

"I-! It was ahn accidehnt!" he defended "I was pickin up my gun and it juhst-!" "Oh yeah, the gun just _""""ACCIDENTALLY""""_ went off! _Tch!_ " he scoffed "You know you're a lot DUMBER than you look!" Frank insulted before turning back to George. The words stabbed Normahn like a knife. Like all the other times he'd heard it trying to get to where he is now. School. The Academy. Trackin down the Origami Killah. They all cut him down like he was nothing. And he felt like nothing. Hearing it again made it throat feel like coal, and his eyes to water. Tears rolled down his cheeks into his gritted teeth as he backed away from everyone else, further and further until he turned and was out of sight.

"Ugh... Frank...?" George muttered. "Don't you fuckin DIE on me Costanza!" his pennsylvanian counterpart demanded "We're gonna patch you up, you can BEAT this!" he assured "Goofy, hold 'im down. T?" he tosses Mr T a knife "Heat this up on the fire" Dorothy sat back, saying nothing as Frank barked orders "Goro? Fuckin rip your shirt up so we can use it as bandages" he finished. Akechi tilted his head "Excuse me?" "NOW, _KID!_ FUCKIN-!"

jUsT tHeN the fuckin underbrush of bushes and shit RIPPED open out emerged the _**\- B E A R**_ from earlier, drawn by the sounds of chaos. "OH!" "YeeAGGHHH!" "WHOAH" "SHIT!" could be heard between screams as the Great beast stumbled into camp on it's hindlegs. It stared down the Rats, who backed away in fear, wary of its intent. "Uh Oh!" Sophia remarked, zipping her tent back up to hide in.

The Ursine's eyes twitched, staring down through its red vision. It's mouth snarled as it caught the scent of blood, George's blood, and growled as it edged closer to the team. To its prey. No one dared make any move until Mr T stepped forward in front of everyone. " **STOP!** " he commanded, holding out his hand. The Beast's march, to the surprise of everyone, came to a halt. "WE MEAN YOU NO HARM, _MIGHTY GRIZZLY_. AND WE _APOLOGIZE_ , IF WE HAVE _INTRUDED_ , UPON YOUR _TERRITORY_ " Laurence annunciated, doing his best to calm the force of nature. Mr T understood nature, and respected its predators in the same way he commanded respect from them. This understanding made communication possible, and is perhaps what made the tortured soul of the _**-**_ ease his agression, and to be entranced by the enlightened former bodyguard.

"I HUMBLY ASK THAT YOU LEAVE US IN PEACE, AS WE WILL DO TO YOU, SO THAT WE MAY _COEXIST_ , AS _MAN_ , AND AS _ANIMAL_ " He finished. For a moment, everything was still, and it seemed that Mr T, in his stoic wisdom, had managed to pacify the beast, as it docilely tilteld its head at him.

" _ **Yeah, get the fuck outta here!**_ " Frank suddenly shouted from behind Mr T, brandishing one of his guns and _***POP*ing**_ it innefectively in its flesh. The Bear let out a roar of pain and returned to its hostile state, even more bloodthirsty than before. "Mister Reynolds, you _fool!_ " Mr T chided, the Bear charging toward him. Frank shot the beast again, and again it only made it angrier. "Damn it!" Mr T exclaimed, the beast continuing to rush him. Diplomacy had failed; the beast was in arms length. It rose, it pulled back its claw. There was no time, no time to think. Mr T only had a split second to react and reacted on instinct. Closing his eyes and unleashing a mighty cry, he drove his arm back and then forward with all his might.

*PRRGH!* *GRRCK!*

 _"URNGH!"_ the beast cried

When Mr T opened his eyes, huffing from his anime-esque punch, he realized what he had done. He had driven his fist straight through the Beast's core: through its chest and out the back. Heart and ribs utterly destroyed. Blood dripped off his hand, and his muscles shook. With one last pathetic groan, the Bear fell back, dead, Gore leaking from the large Hole Mr T put it it. The ground shook with the impact, but Mr T stood as still as a statue in his punch position. His face lost in the gravity of his act.

"YEAHHH!" Frank cried, popping another cap in the Bear "Take that ya fuckin animal!" he said, spitting on its corpse. Everyone else breathed a sigh of relief, exhausted from everything.

Mr T's eyes stared far away at nothing.

His mouth stayed open.

He did not blink.

...

*Commercial Break*

 **AN: Wow those were some long commercials haha no but seriously sorry about the wait for this chapper, and that the fact that it was so long and that the ep isn't even done yet. Hope you liked it tho :):):):) can't say when next'll be but look out for it!**


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